Employee Gifting ?

-----Bittersweet day today. The weather is fantastic and I won't have to come in on Monday- in fact not until January 4th! I'll probably miss this place and the the people I work with. That's why it is bittersweet...


-----So what do you give your employees for Christmas ?  Nothing (the choice of most firms) or how about a new off-road bicycle ?  Ikea gave over 12000 of them to it's employees.  Get 'em happy and healthy.  I am impressed (and jealous).
 
-----It is heartfelt to know that no matter what Apple makes, people will buy it.  Soon the iPAD 2.0 will debut.   Many people will dump their iPad (or turn it into a programmable TV remote) and buy another.  What is the mystique that causes the lemming-like public to drool at the thought of a new gadget from Apple ?

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Chrisnukah
Subject: Major Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY- The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE - Silent Night

Barbie's letter to Santa 


Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's letter to Santa 
Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Texting Society

-----I heard on the radio that kids are not learning social skills because all they do is text to their friends.  Many of them don't even associate with their friends, but spent inordinate amounts of time texting them.  What will become of society if all of our conversations are abbreviated and passed over the airways ?  Will we stop dressing or even cleaning up if we never see anyone in person.  There was a (bad) movie called "Surrogates" that had humans staying in the homes and experiencing life through the eyes of a robot.  I hope our society wakes up and does not allow that to happen...

-----Isn't it really interesting that we haven't heard a peep out of Meg Whitman or Carly Fiorina since the election.  Something tells me we haven't hear the last of them yet, though.

Embarrassing moments

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom. And wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked so adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the woman's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Driving through Georgia
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

Clearing the [explosive] Blight...

It was the company "end of year recognition" party [since they can't take the chance to offend anybody by calling it a holiday party] tonight. So much for that...

Has anyone been keeping up with the news about the house full of explosives and chemicals that was discovered in San Diego.  Apparently the owner of the house hired a gardener, since he didn't expect his renter to maintain the landscape.  The gardener discovered a land mine in the front lawn that blew his mower apart.  He called the cops and they searched the property and made their discovery.  For the last three weeks, they have been removing explosives and chemicals from inside the house.  Now they have determined that what remains is too dangerous to move.  They have built a twelve foot high cement block wall around the house and evacuated the neighborhood, so they can burn the place down!  I wonder, is that covered by homeowner's insurance ???

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
My memory fails me a lot.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.,.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

A Christmas Story
To get everyone in the holiday spirit.......

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this. 

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: 

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. 

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
  
ARMADILLO (NOV 23-Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you is; old friends, a fire, some roots and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.  

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting
the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." 

Reanimation ?

-----Many people are dumping their Cable TV and replacing it with digital rabbit ears because of the cost.  The cable companies promised a smorgasbord of channel offerings in a post-analogue world.  They never provided the means to select just the channels that you are willing to pay for.  Everything is offered on tiers.  To get one channel on a tier, you have to buy the whole tier.  This makes your monthly bill add up very fast and become unwieldy.  Digital rabbit ears will provide different results depending where you live, but in many cases will get you three or more essential channels.  Add a Roku (internet content streamer) box and you have access to all the internet offers including NetFlix, Hulu, HBOGo etc.  Hopefully, very soon, there won't be a good reason to continue being ripped off by the cable companies.

-----Talk about nuts:  George Lucas wants to digitally resuscitate dead actors to be in new productions.   While I believe this is possible, I can't imagine taking advantage of a person's image (or karma) that way.  This guy is bananas!  After all, why have actors at all ?  They can all be figments of a computer's imagination and thereby save the studio megabucks.

Jewish Movies You May Have Missed
1. GONIF WITH THE WIND -- A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.

2. THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE -- A Mohel murder mystery.

3. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY -- A kosher noodle western.

4. MOBY DRECK -- Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.

5. THE CINCINNATI YID -- Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform
congregation.

6. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES -- Bubbie lays down the law on Pesach.

7. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER -- Paul Newman and Robert Redford do standup shtick while they rob their victims.

8. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH -- The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips.

9. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE -- An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.

10. THE MATZO CANDIDATE -- Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.

11. DREYDELS OF THE LOST ARK -- Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.

12. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE -- Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school
can be found.

13. THE SIX CENTS -- Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.

14 . DREYDEL WILL ROCK -- Chanukah toy comes alive.

15. GOYS DON'T CRY -- Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Yom Kippur.

16. STUART LADLE -- Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.

17. THE GREEN MOYEL -- Young man performs first circumcision.

18. GOY STORY II -- Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.

Risking It All On Facebook...

-----We watched the 60 Minutes segment on Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg.  I was not impressed.  First, it really is apparent that this guy or company (same ?) is moving in the direction of taking over the internet.  A few years ago, I thought is was going to be AOL, and now Facebook.  This is an enormous responsibility which can very easily fail with only minor mishaps.  Facebook is designed to encourage all of its members to disclose as much personal information as possible, while creating spider-web like links to your friend, their friends, your relatives, their friends, to people that use the same shampoo or go to the same dry cleaners.  Why to I want to expose myself to possible ridicule, or fraud by creating these connections ?  For what purposes would Facebook want to gather all of this information ?  Why would I want to give up all of my privacy ?  Have you noticed lately that more and more commercial websites have made a place on Facebook and encourage you to visit ?  While there you will undoubtedly be encouraged to express your opinion by clicking the "Like" button.  This information will "adjust" the market to appeal to the Facebook crowd and the rest of us will be stuck with it.  People won't get on the internet, they'll get on Facebook.  They'll do their shopping and banking from Facebook.  All of their preferences will be transparent and available.  Yet when Zuckerberg is interviewed, he has non-impressive responses to very important questions.  What would we expect from a 26 year old geek that would rather spend time socializing via his computer than in actuality. 


Someday, mark my words, Facebook will fall.  It may be because the wrong people will get hold of the data that Facebook has squirreled away or because they will make a mistake that will cause the "institution" to crumble.  We have put a gargantuan amount of trust in this company- in this very young entrepreneur.  Is the sociability of the current generation so flawed that we cannot articulate except via a keyboard ?

Consequently, you probably can tell, I am not a fan of Facebook or the nasty predicament that it will put the socialized world in.



-----Last night, we watched the movie "Going the Distance", with Justin Long and Drew Barrymore.  It amazes me that anyone would invest enough money in this movies to get it made.  Although there may be a few comical scenes, the plot lacks cohesion and deliverance.  The opportunity presented itself many times to "clean it up" and "make it happen", but it didn't.  A waste of my time to view it.


-----Word has it that Al Queda is not going to surgically implant bombs into "expendable" operatives, called "Frankenbombers".  I am blown away....

How to start a fight

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

The Dr. Seuss Version of the 4 Questions 

Why is it only
on Passover night
we never know how
to do anything right?
We don't eat our meals
in the regular ways,
the ways that we do
on all other days.

`Cause on all other nights
we may eat
all kinds of wonderful
good bready treats,
like big purple pizza
that tastes like a pickle,
crumbly crackers
and pink pumpernickel,
sassafras sandwich
and tiger on rye,
fifty felafels in pita,
fresh-fried,
with peanut-butter
and tangerine sauce
spread onto each side
up-and-down, then across,
and toasted whole-wheat bread
with liver and ducks,
and crumpets and dumplings,
and bagels and lox,
and doughnuts with one hole
and doughnuts with four,
and cake with six layers
and windows and doors.
Yes--
on all other nights
we eat all kinds of bread,
but tonight of all nights
we munch matzoh instead.

And on all other nights
we devour
vegetables, green things,
and bushes and flowers,
lettuce that's leafy
and candy-striped spinach,
fresh silly celery
(Have more when you're finished!)
cabbage that's flown
from the jungles of Glome
by a polka-dot bird
who can't find his way home,
daisies and roses
and inside-out grass
and artichoke hearts
that are simply first class!
Sixty asparagus tips
served in glasses
with anchovy sauce
and some sticky molasses--
But on Passover night
you would never consider
eating an herb
that wasn't all bitter.

And on all other nights
you would probably flip
if anyone asked you
how often you dip.
On some days I only dip
one Bup-Bup egg
in a teaspoon of vinegar
mixed with nutmeg,
but sometimes we take
more than ten thousand tails
of the Yakkity-birds
that are hunted in Wales,
and dip them in vats
full of Mumbegum juice.
Then we feed them to Harold,
our six-legged moose.
Or we don't dip at all!
We don't ask your advice.
So why on this night
do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights
we can sit as we please,
on our heads, on our elbows,
our backs or our knees,
or hang by our toes
from the tail of a Glump,
or on top of a camel
with one or two humps,
with our foot on the table,
our nose on the floor,
with one ear in the window
and one out the door,
doing somersaults
over the greasy knishes
or dancing a jig
without breaking the dishes.
Yes--
on all other nights
you sit nicely when dining--
So why on this night
must it all be reclining?

Years ago it was suggested ...

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! 

Let's......make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
...make like a prom dress and take off.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.

Shades of "Love Story"...

We went to see "Love and Other Drugs" last night.  I am impressed that Anne Hathaway managed to reveal heretofore unknown acting talents as well as God given attributes.  Both were A-OK.  Jake Gyllenhaal impressed me as well, but I haven't seen him in much previously.  The story had a real plot (sometimes shades of "Love Story", but the actors made it real).  I would definitely recommend it....

Only one more week of work and I'm off for the balance of the year.  I'm sure it will go by very quickly.  I do have a list of the places and activities that I would like to do while I'm off, but I'm also sure that they will become O.B.E. (overcome by events)...

Polite Insults

1. When the bar closes he helps turn off the lights.
2. On the wall of his life there will be only one shadow.
3. When you enter an empty room the average IQ of both rooms raises a lot.
4. His arrival is like a new dandelion in the yard.
5. Most of what you do is almost adequate.
6. Most of the time you look like you know what you are not doing.
7. You and the truth have never been friends.
8. If you and I were the last people on earth, a solo trip of Europe would be a fine idea to me.
9. You have to be discrete with him, the truth just makes him look bad.
10. You have the appeal of a pet mouse found deceased in a closet a few days too late.
11. It is unfortunate the path you life has taken.
And my favorite not too polite;
12. After seeing how you turned out, I now regret not having using a condom back then.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'  

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree.

They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"  

Indian Summer - NO WAY!

Why aren't people nice at Christmas (or at least as nice as they are the rest of the year)?  They push and shove to get the presents that they can't afford after being rude in the parking lot to get a space close by.  Today, when I went shopping, I gave up and parked as far as I could go, so I didn't have to compete and waste all my time and gas...


I feel cheated.  Most of the years we get a small summer in the summer and a bigger one in the winter.  It is way too cold.  I think the Indians took Indian summer back!

Some people are like Slinkies

not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Super-man jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.  

GRANDMA as a Senior Driver
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! 

Bubba Claus

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours, Bubba Claus  

Tortilla Dog!

Am I ready for Christmas?  No.  It shows up way too soon after summer.  My daughter's birthday is on December 11, so truly, the season cannot start until that celebration is complete.

So I was thinking about the special gifts that I will try to buy for Christmas and where, and guess what- those stores have closed.  I may have to re-think the whole process...

Hillary has announced (for whatever it is worth) that she is not going to run for anymore political offices after the one she's got.  I guess that is is a relief for us, but Bill better shape up- since she'll be home!


Max hasn't been too happy lately because it is so cold and gets dark so early.  He is raring to go almost anytime, though.  Interestingly enough, we found out he loves tortillas!.  If I give him one, he'll shake it to be sure it is dead, then play with it outside for a while, then bring it in and slowly savor it as he eats it.  It must be in his blood!

Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away,

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say

December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod

Something was changing, something quite odd! 

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda..

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS , Not Happy Holiday !

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas .
On the first day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the second day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the third day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the forth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fifth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the sixth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the seventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eighth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the ninth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the tenth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me, 12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

WOMEN'S RIGHTS
The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. 

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing,
Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,

but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye." 

Aliens Right Here On Earth

So scientists have discovered bacteria that will live off of toxic arsenic thereby extending the definition of life (as they know it) and allowing the possibility of life on uninhabitable planets.  Why not use this bacteria to clean up toxic dumps where arsenic is the culprit ???


When the Federal gubmint decides to replace cars in the motor pool, do they buy from the lowest bidder (like Hyundai)- or do they get cars from their own company, GM ?

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The
woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.

The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants
and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself.

They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says  "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES !!

A little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, and Santa asked his usual question of her: "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute and then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Walkin in a Doggie Wonderland
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland." 

Cable Companies Gotta Keep Revenue Up

So to escape the high prices for poor performance of cable TV, the plan was to keep the cable internet, buy a content streaming box (like a Roku) and get a NetFlix online account for $8 a month. Today, a large (very) cable company announced that there would be a surcharge for streaming from certain websites like NetFlix (after all, they have to keep their revenues up).  This somehow doesn't seem right.  It also means that the cable company is going to "spy" on your usage to see what website you are on when you use more bandwidth that normal.  I don't think that that is legal, somehow.  This all is occurring because their prices have inched up to the point that the content isn't worth the price they charge.  They promised, "Once we are all digital, we will sell content in a smorgasbord style, so you don't have to pay for channels you don't want." RIGHT!

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING

10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".

9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.

8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.

7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.

6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.

5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.

4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.

3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.

2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?

A: Carry-Oakies 


Redneck Santa

And my wife thought all those deer heads I had mounted on the wall would never have any use! 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

Twas the month before Christmas
and all through the net your local craigs listers were pitching a fit....
the ads were all posted by category with care
in hope that the trolls would not be there
the posters were posting all snug in there chairs
while visions of the free section danced in there heads
with bobby lee in her bootyshorts and I in my saggin pants
had just settled down to read through the craigslisters rants
when out on the lawn there arose such a noise
was some asshole stealing the free stuff along with yard supplies
away to my computer I flew like a flash
opened up craigslist and threw up my hands
the sight that i saw there so heinous and grievous
a fake ad was posted offering everything in my yard as freebies
I flagged the ad and while pulling my hair
the Craigslist police responded that they didn't care
with my hair pulled out and royaly pissed
I posted my own ad it went something like this
look here you asshole that took all my shit
you flaggers you trolls you freebie leeches
you resellers you spammers and wannabe policers
you people who claim your all in such need
you show up in hummers smokin on weed
if you cant afford some basic supplies'
than sell off your luxuries I did reply
So up to the top my posting just flew
With these words of anger I felt my duty was through.
And then, with a dinging I finally heard
my ad was posted for all those little turds
then got an email in about a hour
those faggots had flagged me my mood went sour
I turned off my computer
and logged off of the net
I went and sat down
and did other stuff instead
I thought to myself inside of my head
I have a life and I work and I play
but these other people stay on craigslist all f**king day
so get out of your chairs
try to get a life and leave people alone
on these cold winters nights
get off of craigslist and go to the bar
...wait...I forgot....your ad ...WANTED:FREE CAR  

NavigatorThe scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer
captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." 

Most Wanted WikiLeaks....

It's very interesting that today there was a serious hacking of the WikiLeaks website as well as Interpol putting out a warrant for the founder's arrest on alleged sex crimes.  I wonder if the gubmint had anything to do with this "putting out of commission" of the website- and just before he goes after a bank!  It is just too much to accept.  I'll wait for the movie...

The founder ALSO called for Hillary's resignation!  What does he know that we all should?  
Or is he just tired of seeing her face in the news ?

Letter to Santa ...BRILLIANT

Sent to me with a picture of a darling little girl, on her knees praying..... "Dear Santa, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!!

PIZZA

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"




  

New TSA bumper stickers

Christmas as discussed by engineers
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of  75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second at 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance which would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 Gs.

A 250 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 

Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

The CIA Caught With Thier Pants Down

Back to work this morning... new carpet, painted walls, sealed and striped the parking lot while I was off.  At least they kept busy...

Try as I might I cannot figure out why WikiLeaks exists or even does what it does.  I would suspect that the gubmint will find something that they can charge them with or they will harass them until they stop.  Even more important, though, is where are they getting these documents to reveal ?  Why can't the CIA figure out where they are coming from ?  What makes them so good at covering their tracks ?

Three proofs

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father’s business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. 

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

 
Bizarre Police Reports
In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead. 

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open.
After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.