Holiday Travel Woes....

So let's see, why would I want to fly away during the holidays?  Is is because I would see my favorite relatives ? No.  Is it because flying is such a pain in the butt now because of the schedules and lines ? NO.  Is it because I can't wait to pay to take my suitcase with me ? NO.  Is it because the ticket prices are skyrocketing  during the holiday season ? NO.  Is it because I can't wait for my invasive all-body scan ? NO.  Is it because of the additional danger over weather related problems during flying this time of the year ?  NO.  Is it because of my anxiety over the extended body pat-downs ?  It must be, because I can't think of one good reason to fly during the holidays,  or maybe ever again!

PREGNANT TURKEY
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Susan, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs. 

Think Quietly:
· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

· Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

· Why is a boxing ring square?

· Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

· Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

· Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,  stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied,

"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A police officer is hiding on the far side of a bridge with his speed gun.
He pulls over a speeding car and asks the driver why he was driving so fast.
The driver apologizes and says he is a doctor and is running late.
The cop asks him what kind of doctor he is.
The driver says he specializes in stretching assholes and mentions that he can stretch assholes up to six feet.
The cop asks why in the world would someone want a six foot asshole.
The driver says, so they can give them a speed gun and put them at the far side of a bridge.

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"  

85 year old Morris goes to the doctor... for a check up.

The next day the doctor sees old Morris walking down the street with this goreous young woman.

Doctor walks up to Morris and says "Morris! what is with this young woman on your arm? She can't even be one third of your age!"

Morris says "I'm just taking your advice doc. You said for sex, get a hot momma and be Cheerfull"

Doctor: "You crazy deaf old fool! I said reguarding sex, You have a heart murmur, be careful!"

This will be a rough week for President Obama.

This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird.

It's been a fowl week. 

Perception...

Have you ever wondered about people's perception of you ?  What do they see ?  Do they see me as a silver-haired, opinionated old coot that has outlasted his usefulness ? What do you want their perception to be ?  The content of most of what they see is mostly under our own control.  A wise man once said to think before you speak, and then don't.  There is much to be gained as a mostly-listener and occasional-speaker.  Actually, listening is a very difficult art (I call it an art, but perhaps it's a virtue) to master.  It is definitely a respect issue (i.e. Do I respect the other person's comment or opinion enough to listen attentively ?).  Having a clear and organized mind can help, but it is almost impossible.  Have I done all that I can do to improve my appearance (haircut, clothing, etc.) ?  How about my attitude (Am I respectful to other people ?  Am I on time to meetings ? Do I harbor prejudices ? ... ).  The bottom line, really, is you get out of their perspective what you put in.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman
of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of
the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he
should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at
the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay
with the others since several of his important clients were
there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by
himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and
led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the
door.

She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did
this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings
and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said,
"remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension
continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

World Changing ?

Today was very busy.  Everyone wanted something from me, but that was okay, because it made the day go by so fast. 

I see that Pelosi managed to remind all of those Democrats in the house who they owe favors to, and managed to get the Minority Whip position.  More of the same from that area...

GM still believes that the Volt is going to be "world changing".   We all know where their heads still are...  Meanwhile Toyota keep selling their Prius as fast as they can make them- and they are NOT changing the world!

 

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Vikings f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?" 

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."  

ETERNAL TRUTHS

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. 

Linoleum Blownapart (and others)
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.  

The "Mondays" Continue....

There was no blog entry last evening since my home computer decided to have a "thermal event" and shut itself off.  I have yet to solve the mystery, but meanwhile..... 


Last evening, I shut down pretty early, as well.  This cold is getting the best of my energies.



I see the Pelosi is pushing for the House Minority Leader:  I think those that would like to see her have that position (or any position) remain in the minority.  We will all be surprised if she pulls it off...

Under the title: "The End Continues":  The Border's Bookstore downtown has decided to close it's doors after Christmas.  With movie rental stores falling like flies, bookstores can't be far behind.  The world as we know it is really as we knew it.  The "average Joe" has no choice but to become connected.  Soon one won't be able to read a newspaper or magazine unless it is electronic.  It is an amazing and wondrous time that we live in.  

One always wonders what we give up in order to be herded like cattle towards the next technological off-ramp!

"Kmart has announced that it is laying off hundreds of employees.  Smart move. Now the only place those people can afford to shop will be Kmart"
- Johnny Robish

 
"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world" - Steven Wright

There were these two friends, Bill and Bob, and they both loved baseball. So, they made a promise to each other, the first one to die, will come back and let the other know if there's baseball in heaven.

Well, the day comes and Bob passes. Weeks turn to months while Bill is still waiting to hear from his friend.

Then one day, Bill is walking down the street, and Bob appears. Bill all excited, says: "I've been waiting forever! So tell me, is there or isn't there Baseball in heaven?" Bob kinda perks up and says: " I've got good news and bad news." "1st, there is Baseball in heaven! The bad news is you're pitching Friday!" 

A husband kisses his wife and the wife says "Stop it, what are you doing? Somebody might see us kissing." The maid shouts from the kitchen: "I too, tell him not to kiss, but he doesn't listen." 

No way to start a week....

An UNBELIEVABLE morning today:


I get up as usual: make coffee and let Max out do to his binness.  I came back to the bathroom and planning to shave, I turned on the faucet while I gathered the clothes I was planning to wear this morning.  After five minutes, the water was not getting hot.  I decided to check the tank in the garage to see if it leaked all over the floor or whether it was doing as much as it could.  The tank appeared normal- no leaks and the gas burner was going.  I came back to the bathroom and by then, my wife got up and I explained the predicament, but she decided on a cold-is-better-then-none shower.  Luckily, I had showered last evening.  Meanwhile, I made breakfast, fed the cat and was deciding which plumber I was going to call when It got late enough.  

So if you had been following this blog for a while, you know that my 28 year old son, Everett,  had graduated college and found job-hunting impossible in Oakland, where he was living, so he move back home to search here and in Los Angeles.  He has two part-time jobs, one at KJEE radio station as an engineer, and another at Fresco (a restaurant).  His hours span from 5:00 in the morning to as late as ten at night.  It is not unusual to find him sleeping in the middle of the day and then going out partying in the early evening.  He, as most young people, is a slave to his cell phone and Facebook to plan his evenings.  Last night, he went out to a show at Earl Warren Showgrounds and came home after we went to bed.

So returning to calling the plumber.  My wife called the neighbor, who just recently had work done on his plumbing, for a recommendation.  We got the number, and I called.  Meanwhile,  Everett stumbled into the kitchen and I expected to hear him say what happened to the hot water.  What he said instead turned over the the whole mornings' events:  "Any idea why my shower is on ?".  Apparently, he must have turned the shower on when he was getting ready to go to the show last night OR stumbled out of bed at four o'clock, thinking he was going to the station, but then realizing that he didn't today- went back to bed (after turning on the shower).  The shower had run unattended and drained all of the hot water from our solar panels and tank, so all we got was cold.  He must have been so tired or drunk that he didn't notice that it was on when he came home OR forgot that he turned it on early this morning.  His room and consequently, the adjoining bathroom, is way on the other side of the house and we couldn't hear it.  Our house is only nine years old, so water pressure is not an issue either.  Nobody noticed that it was on until Everett dragged himself out of bed and made his exclamation.


I am now waiting another half an hour to be sure the well drained water heater and solar panels are still working before I call the plumber back to tell him not to come, and probably relay this embarrassing story.

The Zen of Sarcasm:
(1)  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2)   It's  always darkest before  dawn.  So  if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3)  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4)  Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

(5)  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6)  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7)   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when  you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8)   If at first  you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for  you.

(9)   Give a man a  fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit  in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10)   If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11)   If you tell  the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12)    Some days  you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13)   Everyone  seems normal until you get to know them.

(14)   The quickest  way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15)   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16)   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17)   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18)   Experience  is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19)   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20)   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches." 

Alcohol does not make me do stupid shit. It makes me get caught.

TV from the Net...

We watched "Winter's Bone" this evening.  It was an eye opener to the life in current-day Appalachia.  It showed the bleak existence that those people are enduring even today. It won some Sundance Award, but the problem is that there wasn't much of a plot...


I say this every year: I'm not ready for the short daylight hours.  It is hard to get anything done around the house before it gets dark.  It seems just fine until about 5:00 and then in a short time, it is not only dark, but cold.  What happened to our sunny weather in November and December ?



I found out today that Cox is starting in the wireless communications (cell phone carrier) business.  I guess they have to expand to cover the hoards of cable clients that are jumping ship.  Many of them are going to an internet alternative such a Google TV, Apple TV, or Roku.  These boxes range from $299-$59 and will allow TV access to the myriads of videos on the net, TV shows and NetFlix and Redbox rentals.  I work with a fellow that has two of the Roku boxes and is tickled pink not to drop $100+ a month to his cable company. 

Things are looking up . . . . .
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but
will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever
speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked
her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED
AND CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

"A Japanese scientist has invented a spray-on Viagra. And if you
thought the cosmetic clerks at the mall were annoying before when
they spritzed you..."
- Jay Leno

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,

"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a
the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells,

"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while
you're in night school."

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one." 

New Dog Food Flavors: After researching what tastes appeal to dogs, popular dog food producers have modified their typical beef chicken and lamb based menus to more appropriate flavors. Catbox Cuisine, Dumpster Dijon, Footwear Fricassee, Toilet Treasure; more flavors to come as research pours in!

Clutter Was Us...

A day full of chores today, even though I'm nursing a cold.  Did you ever notice how closets, drawers and garages contain stuff that multiplies and expands?  I spent much of the day cleaning out a closet with my wife.  I found many clothes that I had forgotten that I have.  I also found many that I will NEVER wear!  It is so easy to "hide" things in closets, drawers or garages.  It isn't until you cannot walk through them or close the drawers that we actually do something about their contents.  

Some people never do.  They are called hoarders and many of them have mental issues which prevent them from disposing of almost anything.  I'm glad I'm not like that.  I like new stuff, but you have to make room for it.


Some people rent a storage locker to absolutely totally forget what they have, but not throw it away.  They get to pay many, many times what the contents of their locker is worth (in rent) so they don't have to remember what is stored there.


Did you ever notice how many people in your neighborhood park their cars in their driveway or in the street ?  It is usually because the garage is full of "stuff".

All indications are that there are no shortages on challenges for Obama (now and after he returns). Too many dilemmas no matter the direction.

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

REAL T-shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.



As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Gee-20 No Win

So let's look at the G-20 Summit:  Obama is there pushing to get some kind of agreement or assurance that the trade imbalance with Asia will not continue.  Let us suppose that it does not and magically becomes pretty equivalent: everyone is happy. The Asians pay more for goods that we sell here that are made out of parts that they make and ship to us.  We pay less for local or imported products because they are really both currently the same with different monikers.  We win.  On the other hand, things continue as they are and the Asians are happy on both counts since they make and export both the components that we use in our version of the fully assembled products that they also export.  We gain in the very short term paying lower prices for imported goods and not buying so-called American products which are inferior and more expensive.  In the long term, we don't get manufacturing jobs moved back to our soil so we lose out.  Obama's (or really the US Gubmint's) solution is to put a tariff on imported products.  This means the Asians sell less and they are unhappy.  We buy less because it is way more expensive and we are forced to make our own version which will probably be competitively priced at Asian price plus tariff.  The Gubmint gains by collecting the tariffs but have to use that money to support the unemployed because we don't have manufacturing jobs on US soil.  Whew!  That has worn me out.  There really isn't a good solution.  We have to let the best products be sold wherever they can.  We still have innovation in the US.  Those new products HAVE TO be made here, and kept here.  The Asians do not innovate.  They ONLY make what we originally engineered better and cheaper and more reliable.  So get ready for HIGHER prices based on a DEVALUED dollar buying imported components or products that have TARIFFS on them to be fair, and fill the Gubmint's coffers.


There, I've pontificated enough for this morning....

But this afternoon I realized that perhaps there are some natural resources (such as cotton or wheat or rice or fish....) that we currently ship to Asia whose prices could climb, as well....  Why are commodities not figured in this trade imbalance ?


BTW, I've now included some important links in the blog.  So far there are two links that help you find out what local car-guy events are about to take place.  Today I added another.  This one provides a means to take out your aggression towards people that park poorly.  They provide an citation that you can print out to leave on their car.  Meanwhile they get some recognition, which (hopefully) will cause them to adhere to normal driver's parking guidelines.

Ready for a white trash Thanksgiving?

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterward.

- Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.

- Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

- Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

- Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

- Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

- Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

- Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got  drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

- 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad. 

Thanksgiving forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. 

Anticipation

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey. 

"Dream" Time...

I must be a glutton for punishment.  I constantly waste my time entering contests and playing the lottery but never win.  There is always that "glint" of a possibility that I might have a chance.  I have always told my wife that the odds against winning the lottery are so high that you only have slightly better chances to win, if you buy a ticket!  Buy you lottery tickets as soon as possible to extend the "dream" time.

It has actually begun to happen!  The telephone companies in three states have decided not to publish white page listings anymore.  They are available ONLY on the internet.

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.


Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Church Bulletin Mistakes

20. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in
19. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
18. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
17. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
15. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
14. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
12. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
10. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
9. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
7. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
6. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
4. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
3. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Newspaper Classifieds (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
15. Great Dames for sale.
14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
9. Man, honest. Will take anything.
8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Grandchildren Chase

So I said goodbye to my retiring manager today.  From the moment his son had triplets and they moved to Texas, his and his wife's lives have forever changed.  Now they enter the "Grandchildren Chase" portion of their lives.  They have cut ties with everything they know and love in California to be close to their grandchildren.  That is really dedicated, but sometimes it is just time for another chapter of your lives to be different or even better.  In many ways I envy him and the experiences he will have.

So CNN is asking whether the offer made by Carnival Cruises is enough to compensate a ruined vacation or honeymoon. They have announced that all passengers will get a free refund, transportation to return home, and a voucher for a completely free future trip.

Since this ship is of Panamanian registry, good luck suing to get anything more.  We have been on one Carnival cruise and that was enough not to EVER take another.  I don't know about you, but I go on vacation to avoid crowds and rigid schedules to dine or attend entertainment.  These people should grab the refund, chuck the voucher and consider the trip a lesson. 

I said it before and I'll probably say it many times in the future, "You can't buy service!".  Service has to be built into the equation from the start.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

A census taker drew short straw and got the back-wood hills of Kentucky for his territory. He goes up to this run down shack and knocks on the door where a horribly deformed little boy (gene pool deep as a mud puddle) answers: Census taker: Hi, I'm from the U.S. Census, is your mother home? Boy: Nah....she not here. Census taker: Well, where is she? Boy: She in a instahtushun. Census taker: I see. What about you're father, is he here? Boy: Nah....he in a instahtushun too. Census taker: Ummm ok....do you have any brothers or sisters? Boy: Yeah....I got me a sister. Census taker: Oh good, may I speak with her? Boy: Nah....she not here....she at Harvard. Harvard, "what the f***?" thinks the census taker. How could this kid, with a family tree like a stump, have a sister at Harvard? Census taker: Ok...well..umm, just curious here, what's she in,  Pre-Med....Pre-Law? Boy: Nah....she's in a jar.  

SHAZBAT!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Summer in Fall...

A very strategic move getting India to cozy up to, particularly because of the proximity to Pakistan.  Good move on Obama's part.


Can you believe that Hyundai has a car for $65K ?  I wonder what it would bring after it was a year old.....


I managed to get a "code" and I'm a bit stuffed up.  The push is on to get everyone a flu shot, but I don't want to be their Beta-tester.  Every season some small percentage of people have a reaction- usually a permanent reaction.  I figure if everyone around me gets one, there won't be anyone to catch it from!


The weather changed again.  I guess I was expecting to get more summer weather in fall, but it doesn't look like it is going to happen...

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other,

"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap.
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.

The Benefits of Growing Older 
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

12 Lines to Get Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your Marshall's handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette's syndrome, you %&#@&%@ %#@&#$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).

Cornholing Away!

We watched 60-Minutes' interview of Obama last evening.  I am really convinced that Obama was being sincere at his responses.  It has taken him two years to figure out how to deal with the job of being President, and now with the midterm election, the game has changed.  I honestly don't believe that anyone could be doing more that he has done to rectify the world economy.  It is not going to heal overnight, as it didn't break down overnight.  The beginning of problems probably could be easily traced back to the first Bush administration.  Changing our economy from a supplier to a consumer was a really big mistake that was chided on by many factors.  These factors were pushed by Clinton and the second Bush.  Obviously helped along by the emerging economies of Asia and South America AND the demands of the labor unions in this country.  In order to get us back on track, we will have to rebuild and retool ourselves into suppliers again.  To keep the costs down we will have to turn to automation, which leaves the unions out in the cold.

When we were visiting in Georgia, the guys and teenagers were all intently playing a game called Cornhole!  Much money was changing hands (and lot's of beer was consumed), AND it looked like fun....too!

It was no fun coming home in the dark tonight.  That hour we lost Sunday REALLY made a difference.  Max was waiting for me when I opened the door.  You could see on his face:  "Dark or light- I need to go for a walk or you are going to have a mess to clean up!"

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while when the lass said,

"A penny for ye thoughts Angus."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said,

"Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him,

"What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"

To which the lad replied:
"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession. He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.
"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was dark," replied the boy.
"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?"
The boy said he still didn't know.
"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was too dark," insisted the boy.
"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.
The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity.
Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.
Outside his friend was waiting anxiously.
"Did you get absolution?" he asked.
"Naw," said his pal, "but I got four good leads for this Saturday night!"

An gentleman  walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See......Sometimes wisdom does come with age !

Great Food ... Almost No Service (You can't buy service nowadays...)

Had a nice little party at Trattoria Vittoria last evening.  The food was extremely good.  The servers were stretched too thin and therefore performance suffered.  We had ordered drinks and salads and ended up eating while our menus were in our lap, since he hadn't taken our entree orders yet....Otherwise a great place to eat.

Today we went to Ventura to do a bit of shopping and visit a huge Flea Market that is held once a month at the fairgrounds. It was a lot of fun.  The only thing that we bought were some pickled green olives and frog balls.  For those of you that don't know what Frog Balls are, the are pickled Brussels Sprouts that are flavored with jalapeno peppers.  When we visited Hawaii, they sold Donkey Balls (chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts).  I don't know where they got the name, but they were very good eating, as well.

Max isn't aware of his size!

Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

Pray
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace among the Christians, Jews and Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

The Stangest Walmart Customer
Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" 

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart (Thanks Bradley)

Fifth Try is a Go...

Went to see the launch of a Delta rocket last evening (from VAFB).  This was the fifth attempt at a one second window to put an Italian satellite over the Mediterranean. The horizon became very bright for about twenty seconds and then a very bright pinpoint of light took off into space.  The picture on the left is a three and a half minute exposure.


Tonight we are going to dinner with friends at a cool restaurant to further celebrate our anniversary.  It has been threatening rain all day but the prediction says perhaps late tonight.  All of a sudden, it has became sunny and hot.  It is very difficult to predict the weather lately, as one minute it is Fall and the next, Summer.

Manure... An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported 

by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, 
so large shipments of manure were quite 

common.




It was 

shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, 

but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the 

process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane 

gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can 

see what could (and did) happen. 

Methane began to build up below 

decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, 

BOOOOM!


 

Several 

ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what 

was happening.

After 

that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' 

Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it 

high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the 

hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of 

methane.

Thus 

evolved the term ' S.H.I.T. ' (Stow High In Transit) which has come 

down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 




You 

probably did not know the true history of this word. 


Neither did I.



I had always thought it was a golf term. 

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.