Cornholing Away!

We watched 60-Minutes' interview of Obama last evening.  I am really convinced that Obama was being sincere at his responses.  It has taken him two years to figure out how to deal with the job of being President, and now with the midterm election, the game has changed.  I honestly don't believe that anyone could be doing more that he has done to rectify the world economy.  It is not going to heal overnight, as it didn't break down overnight.  The beginning of problems probably could be easily traced back to the first Bush administration.  Changing our economy from a supplier to a consumer was a really big mistake that was chided on by many factors.  These factors were pushed by Clinton and the second Bush.  Obviously helped along by the emerging economies of Asia and South America AND the demands of the labor unions in this country.  In order to get us back on track, we will have to rebuild and retool ourselves into suppliers again.  To keep the costs down we will have to turn to automation, which leaves the unions out in the cold.

When we were visiting in Georgia, the guys and teenagers were all intently playing a game called Cornhole!  Much money was changing hands (and lot's of beer was consumed), AND it looked like fun....too!

It was no fun coming home in the dark tonight.  That hour we lost Sunday REALLY made a difference.  Max was waiting for me when I opened the door.  You could see on his face:  "Dark or light- I need to go for a walk or you are going to have a mess to clean up!"

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while when the lass said,

"A penny for ye thoughts Angus."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said,

"Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him,

"What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"

To which the lad replied:
"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession. He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.
"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was dark," replied the boy.
"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?"
The boy said he still didn't know.
"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was too dark," insisted the boy.
"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.
The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity.
Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.
Outside his friend was waiting anxiously.
"Did you get absolution?" he asked.
"Naw," said his pal, "but I got four good leads for this Saturday night!"

An gentleman  walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See......Sometimes wisdom does come with age !

Great Food ... Almost No Service (You can't buy service nowadays...)

Had a nice little party at Trattoria Vittoria last evening.  The food was extremely good.  The servers were stretched too thin and therefore performance suffered.  We had ordered drinks and salads and ended up eating while our menus were in our lap, since he hadn't taken our entree orders yet....Otherwise a great place to eat.

Today we went to Ventura to do a bit of shopping and visit a huge Flea Market that is held once a month at the fairgrounds. It was a lot of fun.  The only thing that we bought were some pickled green olives and frog balls.  For those of you that don't know what Frog Balls are, the are pickled Brussels Sprouts that are flavored with jalapeno peppers.  When we visited Hawaii, they sold Donkey Balls (chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts).  I don't know where they got the name, but they were very good eating, as well.

Max isn't aware of his size!

Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

Pray
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace among the Christians, Jews and Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

The Stangest Walmart Customer
Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" 

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart (Thanks Bradley)

Fifth Try is a Go...

Went to see the launch of a Delta rocket last evening (from VAFB).  This was the fifth attempt at a one second window to put an Italian satellite over the Mediterranean. The horizon became very bright for about twenty seconds and then a very bright pinpoint of light took off into space.  The picture on the left is a three and a half minute exposure.


Tonight we are going to dinner with friends at a cool restaurant to further celebrate our anniversary.  It has been threatening rain all day but the prediction says perhaps late tonight.  All of a sudden, it has became sunny and hot.  It is very difficult to predict the weather lately, as one minute it is Fall and the next, Summer.

Manure... An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported 

by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, 
so large shipments of manure were quite 

common.




It was 

shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, 

but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the 

process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane 

gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can 

see what could (and did) happen. 

Methane began to build up below 

decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, 

BOOOOM!


 

Several 

ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what 

was happening.

After 

that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' 

Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it 

high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the 

hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of 

methane.

Thus 

evolved the term ' S.H.I.T. ' (Stow High In Transit) which has come 

down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 




You 

probably did not know the true history of this word. 


Neither did I.



I had always thought it was a golf term. 

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

DRIVING the couch...

TGIF: Won't this day EVER end ?  The hi-jinks continued today, but dead-ends were frequently because of people off today.  Looking forwards to DRIVING the couch this evening.  Wy too tired to do anything else.

Let's imagine what is going through Meg Whitman's head since the election: "I guess I don't know shit about politics. It's probably my campaign manager's fault that I lost.  $141 million ?  Who authorized that ? Hmmmmmmmmm  what would it cost me to buy the presidency when Obama is done ?"

Lying....

"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office. "-Peter Schmuck

Funny Pick-up Lines
A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

All this could be yours for one low, low price!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.

As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print

Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Champagne can be tickly, and so can I.

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?

Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?

Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?

Good news, the test results are negative!

Got me? I'll do your body good.

Grab them in the butt and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"

Great choice of clothes, they match the trim in the Jag

Guy: What's your name? Girl: Danielle Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.

Guy: Can i see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side and says he can't get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.) Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your hand.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my dreams! (works every time)

I've seen till I gazed into your eyes

He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Hey, come here often? You could, with me.

Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.

Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl/guy with the beautiful smile.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?

Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!

Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Hi, I'm Batman. Wanna see my batmobile?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, my name's Right...Mr. Right.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Hi. Are you cute?

Hi. Can I domesticate you?

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Hi. My name is {name}. I'm running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here...write down your number and I'll call you to discuss my platform.

I don't know you, but I think I love you already.

I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you.

I envy your lipstick.

I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I have only three months to live.

I must be a snowflake, 'cuz I've fallen for you.

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

I never thought that heaven would be so close to me"

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

I saw you, I had an asthma attack because you took my breath away!

I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven.

I think my medication is wearing off.

I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.

I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine?

If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.

If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.

If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips.

If water were beauty you'd be the ocean.

If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.

If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto you.

I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?

I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?

Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.

Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!

Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?

Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]

Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get

It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.

It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.

It's always good for you to see me again.

It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]

No, but how about a kiss anyway?

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

I've been noticing you not noticing me.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?", say "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."

Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?

Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

Man: excuse me did you just feel my ass? Girl: no you: why not?

Man:"Girl, you are so rude!" Girl:"How am I being rude?" Man:"Because you're looking so fine and not telling me you're name."

Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!

May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!

Oh my god, I thought I was gay... then I met you.

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Ok, I'm here, what do you want for your next wish?

Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.

Please don't go or else I will have to make a report to the cops....u stole my heart

Pull my finger.

Really like your peaches and I wanna shake your tree.

Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Smile if you want me!.

So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?

That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that's a nice dress. [Again, thank you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.

The only thing your eyes haven't told me about you is your name.

There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you are.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."

(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it."

Walk up and say, "Yes?" "What?" "Oh, my friend told me that you wanted to make out with me because I'm the finest thing you have seen all night."

Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?"

Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!

What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name. (switch if female asking a male)

What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height, blue eyes, etc...

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

What would you do if I kissed you right now?

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?

What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!

What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day?"

What's your sign?

When God made you, he was showing off.

When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.

When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most beautiful things in the world

When's our wedding date?

(While looking at stars) Baby, I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight, the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.

Who's your daddy?

Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change?

Woman, I hate to see you go, but I LOVE watching you leave....

Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.

You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up lines, so why don't you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that....?"

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You are not a woman, you are an essence

You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

You are so sweet...I'm getting a toothache just looking at you...

You are the hottest thing since sunburn.

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

You look just like my mother.

You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ... So what's one more??

You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be going to hell cause it must be a sin to look that good.

You MUST have a nice personality.

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You're cool cause you're hot!

You Say: Looks like we're late." She Says: "For what?" You Say: "For dinner.

Your choice this time, I'm buying."

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.

Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

Your eyes have touched my soul

You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!

You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!

You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.

You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.Would you like a male or female? female please.Would you like black or white ? White,please. Would you like Christan or Muslim ? This question confused the man, so he asked,what has that got to do with it ? It's an inflatable doll!

Well,explained the assistant, the Muslim one blows itself up!

A blonde, redhead,and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

Undoing the Campaign Tracks...

Today began with a few innocent errands before work, and then all hell broke loose when I got there.  I had been run tests for weeks to get some new software validated.  Today was the last combination to run, and it failed after about fifteen seconds!  It took two of us the rest of the day to cure that woe, but all the office was abuzz with the "normal" things happening and requests of my time and labor.  Was a "Monday" today was.


Isn't it amazingly quiet without the myriad of political phone calls, commercials and ads on the radio ?  The signs are disappearing bring a whole new look (I'd forgotten what the place looked like).

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees, the Democrats, and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats, the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

"Older brothers invented terrorism. 'Louie, see that swamp?
There's a monster in it.' So for years I walked around it. Until
I got a little older, a little wiser... and a little brother."
- Louie Anderson

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever
indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him;

"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied;

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

I took a trip to China. While I was there I bought a souvenir.

On the bottom it said 'made around the corner.'

Don't say this to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?  

Handyman's Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stockout of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car (or boat or airplane) which
you had carefully parked in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, `Oh sh-....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round-off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons delivered to your front door . Works particularly well on the contents of the carton such as
seats, collector vinyl records, caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the
knife or anyone standing next to that person.

SNAP-RING Plier:  Special pliers used to propel snap-rings from the part that you are working on to the fartherst, darkest, spider inhabited recesses of the garage.



 

Ostriches Emerge In California and Common Sense Prevails: True Dat!

As I sit down at my computer this morning, I reflect on the past few months and all the election hype.  It is truly a good morning, a heartwarming morning.  I realize once again that common sense has prevailed., most recently with the non-election of Sarah Palin, and now again with the non-election of Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina.  It gives me a warm feeling to know that the power-hungry mongers with fat wallets cannot buy the votes of California, or any other state.  In spite of what Whitman/Fiorina could have offered to California politics, the undesirable baggage that they would have brought with them forced the voters to vote against them.  Are the alternatives that bad ?  Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer both have made many mistakes.  They are career politicians.  Maybe that is what is necessary nowadays, as we have constrained gubmint in so many ways (particularly monetarily).  Without a doubt, considering the length and breadth of both campaigns, Czar Whitman and Chairwoman Fiorina managed to lose the races, no matter who was running against them, on their own merits (or the lack of).  How could we believe a self-serving non-voter and someone that fired 30,000 HP employees to send their jobs overseas ?  It was obvious from the get-go that both these women are used to MUCH power, and used to making many, many people dance to their whims.  That just won't happen in California politics.  W & F has spent many, many years dancing about the truth and embellishing where necessary and conveniently forgetting what might not be advantageous to their gains.  Hopefully this campaign will have cured both of them from trying again.  California does not need those kind of "leaders" but more the type that will help change the ways that we do business as a state and a world economic power, as the rules of economic development take on a world color from the past locally Golden glare.

Brown being a spry 72 years old, will only probably be a one term governor this round.  I hope that the GOP and the Democrats can come up with someone more worthy of the job during the next round of elections.  Gaven Newsom may be in the lead here.  We could certainly do a lot worse, and we almost did- except for what the negative campaign ads revealed over and over and over ....

Bill and Frank rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. Bill says to the Frank, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish." Frank replies, "Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." Bill says to Frank sharply, "You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?" 

 


SKI SEASON WARM-UP
· Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in
freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

· Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times
in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

· For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your
street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.

· Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

· Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
sure to wait in the longest line.

· Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

· Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

· Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snow maker!

· Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

· Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. ·

30 Ways To Simulate Being In The Navy When You're At Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside.  Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world.  Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms.  Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.

10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and
night crew bump around and wake you up.  Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours.  Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it.  Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.  Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained on board Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

You might be a redneck if...

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

World Series ?

Nice that the Giants won the World Series, but talk about a lackluster series....  I certainly did not see any excitement or even interest in it....

So I'm off to watch election coverage...  Full post will return tomorrow. I'm sure you guys will survive....

Funny Sayings
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.


Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!


If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.


I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.


I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.


WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.


This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.


I have the body of a god… Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.


Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy


If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep


Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.


Born free… taxed to death.


The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.


Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.


You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.


I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.


So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!


Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.


If, a two letter word for futility


I don’t care, I don’t have to.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.


I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.


Horn broken, watch for finger.


All men are idiots … I married their king.


The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


My kid had sex with your honor student.


Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.


Give pizza chants.

Change Without "CHANGE"!

Our turnout last evening was less than stellar.  We bought a bag of candy with 150 pieces, but probably didn't hand out fifty.  The problem is that your handouts are lean in the beginning because you don't know what the turnout is.  By the time you do, the turnout is over and you are stuck with the remaining candy.  I brought it to work so I wouldn't eat it (at home)!

Well, tomorrow is election day.  I guess I should be excited but I expect that "change" won't really buy us any "change"!


Next weekend we'll be married thirty years!  Many kudos to my wife for putting up with me that long.  It sure went by fast.  At least twenty eight of those years she was mad at me, but all the years were happy ones.  I have no regrets about grabbing on to her when I had the chance....  Take the warning well, "One day you are looking in the mirror and you'll see your parent!".

THINGS YOU LEARN AS YOU "MATURE"

· I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

· I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

· I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

· I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

· I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

· I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

· I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

· I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

· I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

· I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

· I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

· I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

· I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages.

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with
the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

 When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Airline Funnies:

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it." 

 Witty Sayings
1) One of the best feelings in the world is emptying your pockets in the evening, and knowing you can leave all the junk there until the next day.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smart ass
4') Especially another smart ass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asimov)
8) Right, because usually the competent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh because they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
19) Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
20) The words "My" "Rash" "See" and "Wanna" don't go well together in a sentence.
21a) When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.
21b) The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
21c) Therefore: The larger the number of people, the stupider the resultant decisions and actions (congress anyone?)
22) Never ever go first.
23) When being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries, the first thing to do is to release a tiger. (Monty Python)
24) Rain on your wedding day is NOT ironic unless you're made of sugar.
25) Never take yourself too seriously, and mock those who do.
25') Also be sure to mock people who take themselves too seriously.
25") Those who never take anything too seriously have a distinct advantage over those who do.
26) The more you understand, the crazier you get.
27) Bad losers make worse winners.
28) The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."
29) People who habitually give advice are the worst people to take advice from.
30) If you insist on getting your way often enough, pretty soon you won't have to argue with anyone about it anymore.
31) Peoples' names should not be verbs or adjectives.
32) There's nothing wrong with the world that shooting 99% of the population wouldn't cure.
33) All indicators show that the human race is selectively breeding itself for stupidity.
34) If "obscene" words were made a part of common everyday language, after a week, no one would care anymore.
34') After two weeks, a new batch of "obscene" words will have been invented.
35) One of the most important things to learn is when to quit while you're ahead.
35') Most people never learn.
36) Anyone who says exactly what you want to hear knows it.
37) Anger is easy, anger at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason, that's hard. (Ulysses)
38) You can live for many causes, but you can only die for one. Pick that one very carefully.
39) Never allow anything to be named after you until you're safely dead.
40) No corpse, no death. (DC Comics)
40') Even if there is a corpse, they still may not be dead. (DC Comics)
40") Don't believe everything you read in comic books.
43) Dying is easy, living is hard.
44) You can always get more with a kind word and a 2-by-4 than with just a kind word. (Marcus)
45) The beauty of the American system of government is that you could wipe out the executive, legislative, and judicial branches, and 99% of the population wouldn't notice.
46) If you always tell the truth, people will stop believing you. (based on Richard Feynman's life)
47) Some people just never learn.
48) Most things in this world are done for no good reason.
49) Any gift that can't be thrown away is really a trap. (Dr. Morgenes, via Tad Williams)

Favorite Sayings
More fun than poking smoke up a cat's butt with a knitting needle.
Busier than a cat covering crap on a tin roof with a broken paw.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the itch.
About as smart as screen doors in a submarine.
Noisier than two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a hail storm.
So short that he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the curb.
As sharp as a bowling ball.
Uglier than a can of crushed rectums.
The lights are on but nobody is home.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
Here are some more Dumb sayings contributed by Rocco DiPietrantonio
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Quicker than greased lightning. 

Father Guido Sarducci, save us!

Last night we went to see "Nowhere Boy".  This was a very serious look at John Lennon's boyhood up until he performed in Hamburg.  The only disappointment was that there wasn't any Beatle music.  The movie was over before that happened.  It did show the viewer though, that almost every successful and talented performer has demons.  They only can be controlled for so long.  The key is to focus them into music or acting or whatever your chosen direction.  Clearly, Lennon had untapped talent.  The show took place in the 50s in Liverpool, by Strawberry Fields and Penny Lane.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 97% and I believe the performance warrants it.


Edhat (local) had a Halloween Story Contest.  Here are the winners....

It appears that the Rally To Restore Sanity was only partially successful- as sanity did not get restored.  It is nice to know that the Blues Brothers, Father Guido Sarducci and Ozzy Osbourne are there and ready for us, should we REALLY ever desire to return to "sanity".

We took Max for a walk down by the Santa Barbara pier and along Palm Park (where the Arts and Craft Show is on).  The weather was wonderful, bright and sunny.  All of us thought it was wonderful.  Max enjoyed himself by chasing pigeons.  Unfortunately, he repetitiously ran out of leash and did a RAPID stop.

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Jones, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hanged himself."

"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Mr. Jones replied. "I hung him up to dry."

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

• I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

• Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

• This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

• Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

• I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

• In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

• My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

• Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

• You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

• I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

• In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

• I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the
ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to,
with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and
their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised at times.
They would receive showers twice a week and have to pay to have their hair cut.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay
$15,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out alive.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 

  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 (THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON, JAMAICA

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.