Microsoft: Too big to fail ?

Here is a paradigm shift for you:  It happened to Burroughs and IBM and now to Microsoft. It's consumer brand is dying!  We knew that it began operating in the shadows of Google and Apple, but believed that "they were too big to fail"!  It's happening!  [Couldn't happen to a nicer company!]  But of course, they sill have megabucks of cash which they will probably use to buy their way back into goodness.

Kudos to Sears' for their Halloween website- Zombies galore! 







Both gubernatorial candidates were asked to remove their negative ads.  Jerry Brown agreed, but Meg Whitman refused.  She said they are truthful but may not be perceived as so....  Jerry Brown said, please continue using the ad that said that you moved to California thirty years ago because California was the land of opportunity and beautiful.  Jerry Brown was the governor then....

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?" 

One liners

What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.

What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."   Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"Hollywood Star Whackers" or Just Whacked Out ?

The Quaids are now trying to pass off a story to the Canadian officials that they fear for their lives.  They claim that many of their Hollywood friends have been murdered in strange ways and they feel that they are next.  The Canadian officials decline to comment on the mental condition of the Quaids, and whether they will be returned to the US or not.  Meanwhile, it would be an extreme stretch to believe that what they say is true.  
 

You know I just don't get sweepstakes.  I enter all of them.  Sometimes every day.   You'd think they would through me a bone- someday.  I play the state lottery and it's odd against winning are so bad that I almost have the same odds if I buy a ticket!  I don't ever seem to win anything, but I keep playing.  A friend of mine says to buy lottery tickets  early as you can so you get your money's worth in dream time!    Does anyone ever win sweepstakes ?  I never hear of it or see a list.  Perhaps they are just selling my entry information and the contest NEVER gets a winner!
 

My 1 day job

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ''Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?''

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ''Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?''
So I replied, ''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.''

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 

"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix,
Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,

"Well, most people here just call me Izzy."

Two old ladies sitting in church, one leans over and whispers to the other, "My butt is going to sleep." The other replies, "I know, I have heard it snore three times." 
 

Boooooooooo

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases

and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job.
 

We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or the next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while typing this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?  

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass. 

 

It's Only Monday ?

We watched the latest Karate Kid last night.  It was actually better than I expected it would be.  Believable, maybe not.  It was a good entry movie for Jaden Smith and a somewhat serious role for Jackie Chan, which he played pretty well.  I'm not sure which one I liked better, but to a new generation of kids, there is only the latest one.

Today was like three or four Mondays.  It was awesome.  It got to the point that I was reluctant to return to my office because the phone kept ringing.  In honor of all the people that got laid off, I am NOT complaining, just ragging a bit.

Well it looks like the World Series is set, Rangers vs Giants. I hope someone, somewhere is interested.  I guess it bothers me that grown men get to play a game shot up with drugs making boo- koo bucks AND they still charge a fortune to go to a game.  Even a hot-dog is $7.50 and up, depending where and what condiments.  I know somebody has to pay in order for the owner to pay the exorbitant salaries so that grown men can play a game, but it is just ridiculous.  SF vs Texas doesn't even strike me as an expected and natural kind of rivalry.

1. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

3. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

Answering Machine Recording:

"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now.......Now press the other one." 

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife asks: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan da increase.
The first is dat I iron better dan jou.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husben say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is dat I am better cook dan jou.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husbend did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The tird reason is dat I am better at sex dan jou in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...dah gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Two nuns are riding their bicycles back to the convent and decide to take a shortcut through an alley in the old part of town.
The first nun says "Wow, I've never come this way before."
The second nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."  

A man with two golf balls in his pocket sits beside a blond, as she stares at his crotch he says, golf balls. Blond replies.......... does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. 

Enough with all the election crap...

So last night we watched Ironman-2.  It is really interesting how the first one was so successful, so they added much more of the robots and explosions and they expected the second one to be just as good- too bad.

Today, we tried diligently to get a bunch of chores done before it starts raining.  It still hasn't started and the day is over.  The wind is blowing and the skies are dark, but no rain. 


This weekend went by way too fast.  I am sick and tired of all the election crap- ads, signs, radio jingles, poll calls..etc.  I am ready for the damned thing to be over with.  Meanwhile, after $145M of her own money thrown into the campaign, Meg Whitman is now 13 points below Jerry Brown.  She would have been better off buying the votes directly from each voter!

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing at the foot of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?"
he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a
dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

"I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
blow. Then along came another hen.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?"  Rob asked.

"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
bed!"

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know
that:

$665.99 = Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax

$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories

$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast

$333 = Half off sale on the sign of the beast

6, uh... what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast

00666 = Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over
18 only please.

Route 666 = Highway of the Beast

666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k = Retirement plan of the Beast

6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.

666MHz = CPU of the Beast

666i = BMW of the Beast

668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast

666A, 666B = Tenants of the beast

999 = Sign of the Australian Beast

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" 

The addiction....

There are a number of articles in the news about the arrogance and rudeness of smart phone users.  I look at it another way.  First, it is an addiction.  There is ABSOLUTELY no reason why I would have to answer a call or text or email within a few seconds of reception, thereby interrupting anything I'm doing.  Yesterday at work, there was a fellow texting with one hand while the other was busy "aiming" at the urinal.  Obviously, one or the other could (and should) have waited.  Secondly, why would ANYONE want to tweet everything that they are doing ?  Lewis Black said that Twitter is a stupid waste of time.  Why would I want to waste my time telling someone that had the time and inclination to read tweets that I just went to the restroom at the gas station and they are out of paper towels.  What else can you say in 140 character or less ? Thirdly, why would anyone complain about losing their identity when they plaster everything about their identity on Facebook so that all can read and anyone can steal.  Lastly, why is okay to have a Bluetooth earpiece on and walk all around in public places appearing to talk to yourself.  Can you imagine sitting in a stall at the gas station and having the guy in the next stall start a conversation.  You begin to answer and he says something like (to whoever is on the phone), "The guy in the next stall is trying to get into our conversation.  Maybe I'd better wait until I'm in a more private place.  How rude!"

I asked my daughter once why she was carrying her cell phone in her hand while she shops.  She said, "In case it rings".  I responded, "If it rings, you can dig it out of your pocket or purse".  And what did I get back..."It would be rude for me to make someone wait that might be texting or calling me!"   

So once again, I claim it is an addiction!

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking
through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits
are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries,

"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:

* Any part of your chair is painted camo.

* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.

* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as
decoration.

* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
Double points if you don't  care that it sucks your batteries dry
so long as the beer stays cold.

* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a
bitch to put on and you can't walk anyway.

* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.

* You installed a gun rack on back.

* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer
tap, or similar.

* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.

* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.

* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a
truck or hog.

* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars
and bars!

* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to
your chair.

* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.

* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.

* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.

* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.

* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.

* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing
or battery compartment of the chair.

* You, while in your chair, ever made any roadkill.

* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair
does.

* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your
chair.

* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.

* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as
you sit.

* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever
got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.

* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are
going to start making wheelchairs.

* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to
hang fuzzy dice from your chair.

* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if
the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!

* You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a
highway patrol cruiser while in your chair.

* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance
plan.

* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you
thought it might help pick up chicks.

* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point,
"now that's a good idea!"

Dumb Instructions

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

The Big Escape to Canada- foiled.

Did anybody notice that credit card companies and utilities companies have lost their patience ?  If the day comes that you are going to make your payment, and you haven't yet, but it's the last day- you will probably get some kind of nasty-gram phone call.  Used to be, things would just march along and a penalty would be applied.  Now they are sarcastically reminding you BEFORE the penalty is applied.  Oh for simpler times!

So when the Quaids didn't show up for their court date, I figured they were skipping town.  Today they were picked up in Canada and will be sent back to Santa Barbara to face the music.  Is this couple completely broke or have they lost their minds ?



Looks like the sharks are becoming active again at Central Coast beaches (i.e. Surf).  I wonder if the most recent attack was to a surfer wearing a black wetsuit that makes him look like a seal underwater ?  Certain very small preventative measure can sure make a big difference.  If the wetsuit was bright yellow or blue or green, the shark would have no idea what to make of it and more than likely would have ignored it.

Lines to make U smile

.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .

.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 


Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The Joy Of Irish Sex

THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish
aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his
mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride".

His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her
with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic
smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".

FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at
his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches
the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the
back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant
"Here we go, here we go, here we go"

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8
incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very
tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of
encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It
never happens to the Milkman".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his
wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth
round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to
her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then",
she says "but don't disturb me".

DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the
man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may
suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot
me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for
disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments
such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever
come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the
woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite,
arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting
away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.

The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes
she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?
" Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm.
This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big
Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep,
and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world
performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom
of sex.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

Simpler Times ?

Sometimes I long for Simpler Times.  For example, when I went to the market they would package what I bought in a brown paper sack.  Now I have to make decisions.  Do I want paper or plastic bags.  If I take plastic then I am made to feel guilty for not having a reusable cloth bag.  There is much discussion now about charging for plastic bags.  I think a much better solution is the Costco way.  Package what people buy in left over empty boxes.  If they don't want boxes and don't bring a reusable bag, then they get to wheel out their cart to their car and transfer items one by one- NO BAGS.  That alone solves a multitude of problems and eliminates a decision or two at checkout.  Simpler Times!


Used to be that when we recycled from our house, we had four containers- one for paper and cardboard, one for glass, one for plastic and one for metals.  Now all of the items are mixed together in the same bin, to be sorted when it gets to the waste company.  This, of course, costs more.  Did I mind doing the sorting ? No.  They don't give me the option now, but I certainly paid less in those days.  I bet the waste company makes money on what it can sell as recycled goods.  I bet the local gubmint as well as the constituents (i.e. me) are never told what that amount is.  The waste company is making money from both directions.  Yes they have a crappy job, but I REALLY didn't mind sorting the items on my very small scale.  Simpler Times!


When I was a kid I got a job sorting out pop bottles that people turned in for deposit.  I asked my boss once why the bottles weren't all the same so they wouldn't have to be sorted.  He said Seven-Up comes in a green smooth bottle, and Coke comes in a rippled bottle with a pinched waist.  Everybody knows that (but do they really care?).  In California, all glass that is recycled (no matter what the color) is squashed and the bottles are re-made rather than being washed out and refilled.  Simpler Times!


I must be old because I REALLY can't understand how remaking the bottles is efficient.  All I save is the glass, which there certainly is a tremendous amount of easily available (i.e. sand), except that we need heat to make either the recycled glass or the new glass back into bottles.  It sure seems that washing and refilling are easier and cheaper.

  

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and
is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son.
He's a martyr, too." There's a pause...

The second terrorist says, wistfully...
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That's a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

36 Signs You Might Be A Yankee

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what applique is.
29. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob).
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.
36. You don't have a burning desire to own an AK47. 

Twelve Steps to Not Thinking
I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."
"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"
"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.

What ? No Lobster Bibs ?

We saw "The Town" over the weekend.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 93.  I'd probably give it an 80.  The writing, directing, casting and acting were well done.  I think perhaps a bit more background on the Irish Mob would have been more helpful, but we certainly enjoyed the movie.

One item that we noticed as DIFFERENT in Georgia and South Carolina was that most (if not all) public restrooms did not provide Lobster Bibs[sic] (seat covers).  Most (if not all) were not very clean, either (but that's another story).  It is an unusual item to note, but we did.  Another idiosyncrasy about the South is that is was extremely difficult to find unsweetened tea.  Whether in restaurant or mini-mart or market:  the item that sells there is Sweet tea", which everybody carries.

Riding bikes, even if they were single speed, fat tire Huffy's, in Charleston was definitely a challenge.  The city does not have and bike paths or special lanes on the streets.  They also don't have places to lockup a bike.  I was going to use a street sign and a chain with a lock, but was warned that I might get ticketed.  Then I attempted to use a tree on the sidewalk and was warned about that.  Eventually we decided to just plead ignorant and use a power pole.  We did not get ticketed, but we didn't see but a handful of bikes locked up either.  They are currently in a transitional period in their support of alternate transportation.

Tell me honestly:  Would you want a person for governor that has spent $145 millions on her campaign and is just EVEN with her opponent that only spent $40 millions on his campaign ???

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having
previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here
are some related expressions

Feel like I've...
...milked this cow before: deja moo
...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
...scared this person away before: deja boo
...read this mystery book before: deja clue
...been in this courtroom before: deja sue
...felt this bad before: deja rue
...felt this sad before: deja blue
...expanded this way before: deja grew
...learned this stuff before: deja knew
...waited in line before: deja queue
...eaten this dinner before: deja stew
...forgotten this your name before: deja who
...seen these twins before: deja two
...used this beer recipe before: deja brew
...been on this airplane before: deja flew
...fed these pigeons before: deja coo
...sketched this portrait before: deja drew
...ended this relationship before: deja through
...felt this ill before: deja flu
...sat through this sermon before: deja pew
...admired this scenery before: deja ooo
...exposed the real facts before: deja true

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace   and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall... the bells are not always audible.

A man from Arkansas won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a local raffle.

He had never won anything before, so he was delighted.

A few weeks later his friend Billi-Bob asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush.

"Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper." 

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"

A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment. The first house he goes to he says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?" The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?" The boy looks are her angrily and says "On the side of my buckin head you buckin dumass."

Lightning in Goleta! Oh My!

Last evening we had a lightning and thunder extravaganza right here in Goleta.  Weather has not been normal for the area for most of the year.  I wonder if the La Nina currents have had any effect ?  

Now, at 1:30 today, more thunder and lightning- and buckets of rain!

Well, back to the trip discussion.  We visited the Magnolia Plantation while in Charleston.  It was very interesting to find out the the mainstay profit engine for Charleston was rice!  I really had no idea and would have guessed cotton.  Slaves were particularly picked in Ghana that knew how to raise rice and the plantations sold pretty much all they could grow to Europe at a large profit.
The Magnolia lies on the Ashley river.  Its flow is governed by the tides in the Atlantic.  At high tide, the flow of the river was one direction with salty water, and at low tide just the opposite is true. The river flows the other way with fresh water.  During the tide reversal, the water is brackish.

The plantation implemented aqueducts to transport fresh water to rice fields.  When the Union troops were coming, the fields were flooded with salt water, and consequently they never would produce rice again. 

The tour was well worth the fee.  I'm glad we didn't sign up for it ahead of time, because we would have been on a bus from the city.  We just drove there and proceeded at our own pace.  That was much better and it was a short, but interesting, drive to the plantation.

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, “I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”

“Why sure,”; said the manager, “we have something that works especially well for that.”

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.

“No, no! A little to the left,” said the other dumb blonde inside the car.

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”  

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."  

Scrabble

PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Boiled Peanuts ?

I am still blown away by the sheer audacity of the rude jerk from Saturday.  I'd give him a piece of my mind, but he is better-off mindless.

Both Savannah and Charleston are populated with a highly prided populace. The both believe that they are different from the balance of their own states.  From what I could see in only three days in each place, it is probably true.  Immediately on first notices that there are far few bubbas in those cities that probably fifteen miles outside of each.  

Driving from Charleston to Atlanta for the wedding, we stayed off the interstates because they would have forced us to go out of our way.  Meanwhile we passed many, many fields of cotton and peanuts.  Almost every gas station and convenience store has a sign in the window for boiled peanuts.

Things That It Took Me Over 30 Years To Learn
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

"Heart is the engine of the Body. But Brain is the engine of Life. Between Mind & Heart..." Enigma

Sixth Sense In Women

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces.

That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the
shower!

5 stages of drunkenness:An insightful look into the process of inebriation.

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.