Enough with all the election crap...

So last night we watched Ironman-2.  It is really interesting how the first one was so successful, so they added much more of the robots and explosions and they expected the second one to be just as good- too bad.

Today, we tried diligently to get a bunch of chores done before it starts raining.  It still hasn't started and the day is over.  The wind is blowing and the skies are dark, but no rain. 


This weekend went by way too fast.  I am sick and tired of all the election crap- ads, signs, radio jingles, poll calls..etc.  I am ready for the damned thing to be over with.  Meanwhile, after $145M of her own money thrown into the campaign, Meg Whitman is now 13 points below Jerry Brown.  She would have been better off buying the votes directly from each voter!

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing at the foot of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?"
he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a
dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

"I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
blow. Then along came another hen.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?"  Rob asked.

"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
bed!"

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know
that:

$665.99 = Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 = Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax

$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories

$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast

$333 = Half off sale on the sign of the beast

6, uh... what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast

00666 = Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over
18 only please.

Route 666 = Highway of the Beast

666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k = Retirement plan of the Beast

6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.

666MHz = CPU of the Beast

666i = BMW of the Beast

668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast

666A, 666B = Tenants of the beast

999 = Sign of the Australian Beast

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" 

The addiction....

There are a number of articles in the news about the arrogance and rudeness of smart phone users.  I look at it another way.  First, it is an addiction.  There is ABSOLUTELY no reason why I would have to answer a call or text or email within a few seconds of reception, thereby interrupting anything I'm doing.  Yesterday at work, there was a fellow texting with one hand while the other was busy "aiming" at the urinal.  Obviously, one or the other could (and should) have waited.  Secondly, why would ANYONE want to tweet everything that they are doing ?  Lewis Black said that Twitter is a stupid waste of time.  Why would I want to waste my time telling someone that had the time and inclination to read tweets that I just went to the restroom at the gas station and they are out of paper towels.  What else can you say in 140 character or less ? Thirdly, why would anyone complain about losing their identity when they plaster everything about their identity on Facebook so that all can read and anyone can steal.  Lastly, why is okay to have a Bluetooth earpiece on and walk all around in public places appearing to talk to yourself.  Can you imagine sitting in a stall at the gas station and having the guy in the next stall start a conversation.  You begin to answer and he says something like (to whoever is on the phone), "The guy in the next stall is trying to get into our conversation.  Maybe I'd better wait until I'm in a more private place.  How rude!"

I asked my daughter once why she was carrying her cell phone in her hand while she shops.  She said, "In case it rings".  I responded, "If it rings, you can dig it out of your pocket or purse".  And what did I get back..."It would be rude for me to make someone wait that might be texting or calling me!"   

So once again, I claim it is an addiction!

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking
through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits
are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries,

"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:

* Any part of your chair is painted camo.

* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.

* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as
decoration.

* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
Double points if you don't  care that it sucks your batteries dry
so long as the beer stays cold.

* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a
bitch to put on and you can't walk anyway.

* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.

* You installed a gun rack on back.

* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer
tap, or similar.

* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.

* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.

* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a
truck or hog.

* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars
and bars!

* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to
your chair.

* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.

* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.

* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.

* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.

* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.

* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing
or battery compartment of the chair.

* You, while in your chair, ever made any roadkill.

* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair
does.

* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your
chair.

* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.

* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as
you sit.

* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever
got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.

* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are
going to start making wheelchairs.

* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to
hang fuzzy dice from your chair.

* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if
the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!

* You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a
highway patrol cruiser while in your chair.

* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance
plan.

* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you
thought it might help pick up chicks.

* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point,
"now that's a good idea!"

Dumb Instructions

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

The Big Escape to Canada- foiled.

Did anybody notice that credit card companies and utilities companies have lost their patience ?  If the day comes that you are going to make your payment, and you haven't yet, but it's the last day- you will probably get some kind of nasty-gram phone call.  Used to be, things would just march along and a penalty would be applied.  Now they are sarcastically reminding you BEFORE the penalty is applied.  Oh for simpler times!

So when the Quaids didn't show up for their court date, I figured they were skipping town.  Today they were picked up in Canada and will be sent back to Santa Barbara to face the music.  Is this couple completely broke or have they lost their minds ?



Looks like the sharks are becoming active again at Central Coast beaches (i.e. Surf).  I wonder if the most recent attack was to a surfer wearing a black wetsuit that makes him look like a seal underwater ?  Certain very small preventative measure can sure make a big difference.  If the wetsuit was bright yellow or blue or green, the shark would have no idea what to make of it and more than likely would have ignored it.

Lines to make U smile

.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .

.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 


Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The Joy Of Irish Sex

THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish
aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his
mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride".

His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her
with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic
smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".

FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at
his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches
the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the
back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant
"Here we go, here we go, here we go"

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8
incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very
tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of
encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It
never happens to the Milkman".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his
wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth
round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to
her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then",
she says "but don't disturb me".

DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the
man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may
suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot
me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for
disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments
such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever
come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the
woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite,
arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting
away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.

The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes
she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?
" Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm.
This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big
Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep,
and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world
performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom
of sex.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

Simpler Times ?

Sometimes I long for Simpler Times.  For example, when I went to the market they would package what I bought in a brown paper sack.  Now I have to make decisions.  Do I want paper or plastic bags.  If I take plastic then I am made to feel guilty for not having a reusable cloth bag.  There is much discussion now about charging for plastic bags.  I think a much better solution is the Costco way.  Package what people buy in left over empty boxes.  If they don't want boxes and don't bring a reusable bag, then they get to wheel out their cart to their car and transfer items one by one- NO BAGS.  That alone solves a multitude of problems and eliminates a decision or two at checkout.  Simpler Times!


Used to be that when we recycled from our house, we had four containers- one for paper and cardboard, one for glass, one for plastic and one for metals.  Now all of the items are mixed together in the same bin, to be sorted when it gets to the waste company.  This, of course, costs more.  Did I mind doing the sorting ? No.  They don't give me the option now, but I certainly paid less in those days.  I bet the waste company makes money on what it can sell as recycled goods.  I bet the local gubmint as well as the constituents (i.e. me) are never told what that amount is.  The waste company is making money from both directions.  Yes they have a crappy job, but I REALLY didn't mind sorting the items on my very small scale.  Simpler Times!


When I was a kid I got a job sorting out pop bottles that people turned in for deposit.  I asked my boss once why the bottles weren't all the same so they wouldn't have to be sorted.  He said Seven-Up comes in a green smooth bottle, and Coke comes in a rippled bottle with a pinched waist.  Everybody knows that (but do they really care?).  In California, all glass that is recycled (no matter what the color) is squashed and the bottles are re-made rather than being washed out and refilled.  Simpler Times!


I must be old because I REALLY can't understand how remaking the bottles is efficient.  All I save is the glass, which there certainly is a tremendous amount of easily available (i.e. sand), except that we need heat to make either the recycled glass or the new glass back into bottles.  It sure seems that washing and refilling are easier and cheaper.

  

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and
is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son.
He's a martyr, too." There's a pause...

The second terrorist says, wistfully...
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That's a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

36 Signs You Might Be A Yankee

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what applique is.
29. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob).
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.
36. You don't have a burning desire to own an AK47. 

Twelve Steps to Not Thinking
I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."
"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"
"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.

What ? No Lobster Bibs ?

We saw "The Town" over the weekend.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 93.  I'd probably give it an 80.  The writing, directing, casting and acting were well done.  I think perhaps a bit more background on the Irish Mob would have been more helpful, but we certainly enjoyed the movie.

One item that we noticed as DIFFERENT in Georgia and South Carolina was that most (if not all) public restrooms did not provide Lobster Bibs[sic] (seat covers).  Most (if not all) were not very clean, either (but that's another story).  It is an unusual item to note, but we did.  Another idiosyncrasy about the South is that is was extremely difficult to find unsweetened tea.  Whether in restaurant or mini-mart or market:  the item that sells there is Sweet tea", which everybody carries.

Riding bikes, even if they were single speed, fat tire Huffy's, in Charleston was definitely a challenge.  The city does not have and bike paths or special lanes on the streets.  They also don't have places to lockup a bike.  I was going to use a street sign and a chain with a lock, but was warned that I might get ticketed.  Then I attempted to use a tree on the sidewalk and was warned about that.  Eventually we decided to just plead ignorant and use a power pole.  We did not get ticketed, but we didn't see but a handful of bikes locked up either.  They are currently in a transitional period in their support of alternate transportation.

Tell me honestly:  Would you want a person for governor that has spent $145 millions on her campaign and is just EVEN with her opponent that only spent $40 millions on his campaign ???

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having
previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here
are some related expressions

Feel like I've...
...milked this cow before: deja moo
...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
...scared this person away before: deja boo
...read this mystery book before: deja clue
...been in this courtroom before: deja sue
...felt this bad before: deja rue
...felt this sad before: deja blue
...expanded this way before: deja grew
...learned this stuff before: deja knew
...waited in line before: deja queue
...eaten this dinner before: deja stew
...forgotten this your name before: deja who
...seen these twins before: deja two
...used this beer recipe before: deja brew
...been on this airplane before: deja flew
...fed these pigeons before: deja coo
...sketched this portrait before: deja drew
...ended this relationship before: deja through
...felt this ill before: deja flu
...sat through this sermon before: deja pew
...admired this scenery before: deja ooo
...exposed the real facts before: deja true

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace   and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall... the bells are not always audible.

A man from Arkansas won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a local raffle.

He had never won anything before, so he was delighted.

A few weeks later his friend Billi-Bob asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush.

"Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper." 

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"

A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment. The first house he goes to he says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?" The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?" The boy looks are her angrily and says "On the side of my buckin head you buckin dumass."

Lightning in Goleta! Oh My!

Last evening we had a lightning and thunder extravaganza right here in Goleta.  Weather has not been normal for the area for most of the year.  I wonder if the La Nina currents have had any effect ?  

Now, at 1:30 today, more thunder and lightning- and buckets of rain!

Well, back to the trip discussion.  We visited the Magnolia Plantation while in Charleston.  It was very interesting to find out the the mainstay profit engine for Charleston was rice!  I really had no idea and would have guessed cotton.  Slaves were particularly picked in Ghana that knew how to raise rice and the plantations sold pretty much all they could grow to Europe at a large profit.
The Magnolia lies on the Ashley river.  Its flow is governed by the tides in the Atlantic.  At high tide, the flow of the river was one direction with salty water, and at low tide just the opposite is true. The river flows the other way with fresh water.  During the tide reversal, the water is brackish.

The plantation implemented aqueducts to transport fresh water to rice fields.  When the Union troops were coming, the fields were flooded with salt water, and consequently they never would produce rice again. 

The tour was well worth the fee.  I'm glad we didn't sign up for it ahead of time, because we would have been on a bus from the city.  We just drove there and proceeded at our own pace.  That was much better and it was a short, but interesting, drive to the plantation.

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, “I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”

“Why sure,”; said the manager, “we have something that works especially well for that.”

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.

“No, no! A little to the left,” said the other dumb blonde inside the car.

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”  

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."  

Scrabble

PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Boiled Peanuts ?

I am still blown away by the sheer audacity of the rude jerk from Saturday.  I'd give him a piece of my mind, but he is better-off mindless.

Both Savannah and Charleston are populated with a highly prided populace. The both believe that they are different from the balance of their own states.  From what I could see in only three days in each place, it is probably true.  Immediately on first notices that there are far few bubbas in those cities that probably fifteen miles outside of each.  

Driving from Charleston to Atlanta for the wedding, we stayed off the interstates because they would have forced us to go out of our way.  Meanwhile we passed many, many fields of cotton and peanuts.  Almost every gas station and convenience store has a sign in the window for boiled peanuts.

Things That It Took Me Over 30 Years To Learn
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

"Heart is the engine of the Body. But Brain is the engine of Life. Between Mind & Heart..." Enigma

Sixth Sense In Women

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces.

That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the
shower!

5 stages of drunkenness:An insightful look into the process of inebriation.

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Hoity-toity on both counts...

Tybee Island appeared to have free (except for parking) access to the beach.  In a place called Cologny, we could get to the beach but there was no "legal" parking.  In order to even enter Sea Pines on Hilton Head Island, it was $5 at a kiosk.  If you were lucky, then you could look for a parking space.  Hilton Head was a strange place.  NOTHING could be seen from the road.  For the most part, all of the beach access belonged to resorts, hotels, or estates.  Large wooded areas and golf courses prevented the casual tourist from getting close to anything worthwhile.  It looks like a nice place to visit, but you need $$$ and reservations, I believe.  Too hoity-toity for me.


Yesterday was disheartening, as for the last two months I have been "catering" to questions and requests from this fellow in Houston who was interested in buying my car.  Finally, about three weeks ago he texts me and says, "What's your bottom price ?" out of the blue.  So I said, that the listed price is it.  If I give you a lower price now, you'll come and see the car and then offer me less.  So, before we left for Georgia, I promised to be home on a particular day.  While we were in Hilton Head, he bugged me for flight and hotel suggestions to Santa Barbara.  He bought his tickets and I asked him when I should expect him. I thought, at this point that he would get up reasonable early in the morning and come look at the car.  Meanwhile, all week I toiled to detail it so it would be at its best. Finally he answered that he would be there sometime before noon, but reality was closer to on o'clock  Apparently, this guy, after all the pestering that he did, flew into LAX, drove to Victorville and hired a Corvette Club NCRS weenie.  Then they both drove to Goleta and verbally berated my car.  The weenie made some glaring mistakes in his calls and I corrected him on a few.  Bottom line is that the jerk from Houston was no longer interested.  They both got into their car and took off.  Then the next day, I received a text from the jerk, in very bad taste, about how he has wasted time and money to look at my car, and that it was all my fault for "misrepresenting" it.  Caveat emptor.


Here is the upshot of that.  One, he obviously didn't know what questions to ask or what the answers should be if he did.  Two, nobody forced him to fly out to Goleta. Three, why would it be better to believe the weenie over me- or better yet, understand the issue and make up his own mind.


Meanwhile, I had to deal with a hoity-toity and rude jerk and an overzealous weenie for almost three hours.  I never even started the car and obviously, they never drove it.  I am dumbfounded and for sure, I won't do it again!

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine


Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________ 
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________ 
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 

Here's what the DEMs do when they get desperate...
NEW YORK – President Barack Obama has family ties to none other than Sarah Palin, according to the genealogists at Ancestry.com, a discovery the family history site made when looking for connections between political foes.

And that's not all — Obama also is apparently related to conservative radio host and relentless critic Rush Limbaugh.

A genealogist at the Utah-based Ancestry.com, Anastasia Tyler, said Obama and Palin are 10th cousins through a common ancestor named John Smith, a pastor and early settler in 17th-century Massachusetts. Obama is related to Smith through his mother, as is Palin, Tyler said.

"Smith was against the persecution of the Quakers," Tyler said in an interview. "He was a very socially conscious man."

As for Limbaugh, he's also a 10th cousin of the president — one time removed — through a common ancestor named Richmond Terrell, who Tyler said was a large landowner in Virginia, also in the 17th century. "His history is a little more nebulous," Tyler said.



 
  

Lighthouse Tour...

So while we were on Tybee Island and Hilton Head Island we visited a couple of historic lighthouses. They were very interesting.  I climbed to the top of Tybee myself, because Terre didn't like the see-through staircase.  It was very hot inside, since the building is made of bricks AND mostly painted black.  We learned about daymarks.  No two of these are the same, so when a ship can see one, they can identify which one it is.  The one on Tybee was built in the seventeen hundreds and can clearly be seen from Fort Pulaski on the other side of the island. The tour through the keeper's house was well woth the price to see the antiques and how the family lived.

The one on Hilton Head is more modern, having been built in 1970.

Aviation Humor. A little obscure if you don't fly, but funny.

You might be a redneck pilot if:

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking
beer.
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".
You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling
together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat
from the landing gear.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although
you've been flying for years.
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and
tobacco stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of
coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Listen

There's no place 'round the campfire for a quitter's blanket.

Tossin' your rope before buildin' a loop don't ketch the calf.

Polishing your pants on saddle leather don't make you a rider.

A closed mouth gathers no boots.

Don't name a cow you plan to eat.




Cowboy Silhouettes
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

A wink's as good as a nod to a blind mule.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

There never was a horse that couldn't be rode, there never was a rider that couldn't be throwed.

When in doubt, let your horse figure it out.

Savannah Fare...

Food was interesting in the south.  Our B&B in Savannah had a buffet every morning that contained an eggs and cheese and bacon and grits casserole, bacon, sausage links, patty sausage, grits, tasteless blueberry pancakes, canned fruit, toast and biscuits.  We'd hoped that the buffet would change or they would add pastries, but they didn't.  It was the one drawback to that B&B.  While we were there, we went to an Six Pence Pub, a seafood restaurant called Garabaldi (this was pretty good). We had wanted to go to Paula Deen's place, but everyone we spoke to gave it the thumb down response.  I wanted desperately to get some southern bar-b-que, but the locals said that they weren't know for it in Savannah.  They said the best was on Tybee Island.  One day we went to Tybee and nobody had ever heard of the place.  Turned out, it was on WhiteMarsh Island and very hard to find.  When we did, it was closed that day.  When we returned to Savannah, we went to a place called Blowin Smoke for BBQ, but I would put the results into the "average" category.  We both had dry-rubbed Kansas City-style baby-back ribs that were buried in thick sauce (not as expected).  It came with coleslaw, fried okra and collard greens.  The best part of the meal was the ice-cold Yuengling beer.  It was totally unfortunate for us that it wasn't better and for the other patrons that they didn't know better.

I'm sure that there are great places to eat in Savannah, but we only had three days to explore.  We'll have to go back....

The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long
as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links
that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety
Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get
started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly
surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean
Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely
suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the
easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since
it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making
$345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program.
Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort
of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can
switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then
start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people
substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous
because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a
zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with
zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or
Lackwit in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most
important search engines.
--Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free
classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't
even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing
wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your
friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their
Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their
Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their
Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

 

Where Did I Come From?

One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"
"Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father.
"Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room on Voyeurweb. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: 'You've got male'."

‘I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!’

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great.. I be at work soon………You got nice house’! 

"Chicken Soup for the Drinker"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted
all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from
urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over
white wine.

WOMEN THINK THEY ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING
BUT WAIT.....TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE
FOR WOMEN ON THE FOLLOWING SUBJECTS:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”