Savannah Fare...

Food was interesting in the south.  Our B&B in Savannah had a buffet every morning that contained an eggs and cheese and bacon and grits casserole, bacon, sausage links, patty sausage, grits, tasteless blueberry pancakes, canned fruit, toast and biscuits.  We'd hoped that the buffet would change or they would add pastries, but they didn't.  It was the one drawback to that B&B.  While we were there, we went to an Six Pence Pub, a seafood restaurant called Garabaldi (this was pretty good). We had wanted to go to Paula Deen's place, but everyone we spoke to gave it the thumb down response.  I wanted desperately to get some southern bar-b-que, but the locals said that they weren't know for it in Savannah.  They said the best was on Tybee Island.  One day we went to Tybee and nobody had ever heard of the place.  Turned out, it was on WhiteMarsh Island and very hard to find.  When we did, it was closed that day.  When we returned to Savannah, we went to a place called Blowin Smoke for BBQ, but I would put the results into the "average" category.  We both had dry-rubbed Kansas City-style baby-back ribs that were buried in thick sauce (not as expected).  It came with coleslaw, fried okra and collard greens.  The best part of the meal was the ice-cold Yuengling beer.  It was totally unfortunate for us that it wasn't better and for the other patrons that they didn't know better.

I'm sure that there are great places to eat in Savannah, but we only had three days to explore.  We'll have to go back....

The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long
as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links
that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety
Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get
started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly
surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean
Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely
suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the
easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since
it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making
$345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program.
Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort
of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can
switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then
start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people
substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous
because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a
zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with
zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or
Lackwit in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most
important search engines.
--Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free
classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't
even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing
wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your
friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their
Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their
Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their
Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

 

Where Did I Come From?

One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"
"Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father.
"Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room on Voyeurweb. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: 'You've got male'."

‘I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!’

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great.. I be at work soon………You got nice house’! 

"Chicken Soup for the Drinker"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted
all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from
urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over
white wine.

WOMEN THINK THEY ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING
BUT WAIT.....TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE
FOR WOMEN ON THE FOLLOWING SUBJECTS:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”

The Holy City

So we scheduled a walking tour with a docent in Charleston to get a full dose of history.  We were expecting that both Savannah and Charleston were historically of the same era, but we were wrong.  In spite of the fact that the Civil War started at Fort Sumter, by Charleston; it is foremost a Revolutionary War era city.  The houses and streets were mostly from the 1700s.  I was really surprised.  The docent really knew her stuff as she pointed out unique wrought iron gates from the era and explained to us about Charleston bricks.  These bricks were handmade by slaves and baked in a beehive kiln.  They are irregular in shape and color and contain finger and hand prints on many of the surfaces.  These are usually part of a building that should be preserved.


Many of the buildings had a cast iron or brass medallion attached to the front of the building.  This designated which of the many private fire departments were responsible for that building.  I asked the docent what would happen if the wrong fire department was called to put out a fire in the building and she said that they would watch it burn, since they weren't paid for its care.

Religious freedom abounded in Charleston, except for the Catholics, which weren't allowed since this was a Church of England colony.  We saw a Huguenot (French Protestant) church and early synagogue and may others.  They all strived to have the highest steeples or fanciest buildings.  To this day, the skyline is well represented in church steeples.

The Two Golden Rules of Success:
Rule #1. Never share with anybody everything that you know.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of
his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked
Jon.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his needs and those of his family.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, make love to
my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends,
have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have
a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an M.BA. from Stanford and I
can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue,
you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat
will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling
your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the
processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los
Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge
enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years."

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting. When your
business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make
millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near
the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish,
make love to your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and
playing the guitar with your friends!"

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4... After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.

Important Women's Health Issue:
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness

- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Spanish Moss....

Savannah and Charleston are supposed to be among the most haunted cities in the USA.  Many of the houses have their porches and window frames painted Haint blue to keep out the less kindred spirits (they supposedly won't cross over water, and Haint blue looks like water).  We decided that for the limited time that we had available to us, the ghost tours were not on the top of our list.


It is very easy to see how the residents of old may have thought they were seeing ghosts when really it may have been Spanish moss that hangs from the trees, swaying in the breezes.  We found out that this stuff is really not Spanish or moss, but an air fern (bromeliad) instead.  It just hangs on the trees and feeds on the particles in the wind.  It is not parasitic to the trees.  We were told NOT to handle it as is usually contains chiggers (noseeums that bite).  Interestingly enough, Henry Ford figured a way to use Spanish moss as an upholstery filler for the Model A and Model T seats.  I guess there must be a way to strip away the chiggers.

The stuff is everywhere around those cities.  It really adds a lot of charm. 

Spanish Moss
(Tillandsia usneoides)

Another interesting plant is the Palmetto Palm.  These are all over as well.  This is the state tree of South Carolina and Florida.

There is also a local beer (actually pretty good, too).

Answering machine message at a Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-
e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-
term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it
up.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving
him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the
same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would
always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a several
miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that son of a bitch on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They
gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle
of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they
knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before
you die.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and
said, "Don't sell that cow."

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and
then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of
the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your
tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and
just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing,
you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food
that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market
is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave
work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Repeat after me:

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e- mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
POST CARDS, or GET-WELL-CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately
after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending
things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC
to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and
send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full
moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months
and all of your hair will fall out!

Pedicab Memories...

One evening after traipsing all over Savannah, we decided to go to dinner and had the attendant at the B&B call us a pedicab.  I had never ridden in one before.  It was a beautiful evening and we wanted to experience it.  We asked about their cost, but were told that they worked for tips only.  I'd say we went about a mile, and gave the guy a ten spot.  He was happy and so were we.  He was a student that just picked up extra cash at night, whenever he needed to.


Before we left, we had the idea to visit Paula Deen's Restaurant in Savannah.  Her dishes look so good on TV.  When we got there, we found out that they don't take advanced reservations but require you to show up on the morning you want a dinner reservation to sign up.  At any rate, everyone in Savannah that we asked about it gave it a thumb's down and a frown.  Unfortunately, it is no longer the place it was when she was working there.  We did see the people waiting to get in, though.

 

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

"This is an actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss. His boss apparently resigned
very soon afterwards!"

Dear Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network
computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also
never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping
their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to
hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not
usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice to say I
have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending
the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please. I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with
your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely

Darryl Brewer

What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic and an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

A Storybook Wedding...

Well, we have returned safely and it was a good trip. I certainly have much to share, but I am still suffering from a bit of jet-lag. We managed to go to Savannah, Tybee Island, Hilton Head Island, and Charleston, as well as points in-between, and of course, Atlanta for the wedding.

I was a story-book wedding on a plantation outside of Greensboro, Georgia. The plantation mansion is situated on a hill overlooking a large pond surrounded with cattle. The wedding audience chairs were placed in rows facing the front porch of the plantation mansion, with the minister on the porch. The wedding party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) paraded from each side of the house and lined up on each side of the porch, groomsmen on one side and bridesmaids on the other. The groom cam out of the house to stand on the porch adjacent to the minister. Then they all turned to face the audience.

From down the road was heard the clip-clop, clip-clop of two horses. They were pulling a carriage with the bride-to-be and her father. They drove up the circular driveway and stopped at the center aisle leading up to the porch. They got out of the carriage and proceeded to the porch for the ceremony. During the whole ceremony, on could here both the horses neighing and snorting. When the ceremony finished, the bride and groom left in the carriage.

It was very beautiful. Kinda what I would expect in the South for a high-end ceremony. We were certainly not disappointed.

More on the trip (and the South, in general) over the next few days...


I picked up Max from boarding today... He must have thought we returned him to be adopted by some other family...

"Warshing" Clothes Recipe.........

 

Never thought of a "washer" in this light before. what a blessing!
"Warshing Clothes Recipe" -- imagine having a recipe for this ! ! !
Years ago a Bisbee grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:
this is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook -
with spelling errors and all.



WARSHING CLOTHES
Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.
To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.
Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.
Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.
Hang old rags on fence.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
Turn tubs upside down.
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.





A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

  

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the life out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

The Farmer, Cletus, is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the heck out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Electronically-Challenged
Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the cell phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy razor/slimline phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide-quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22-inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

 

R & R Here I come...

So this is my last blog entry for a few days.  I'll be on the road in Georgia and South Carolina returning on the tenth and I hope to make a new entry sometime soon after that.  I'm sure I will have many new experiences to share...

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.  

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days.."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.  

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..  
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief  is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."   
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"  FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE"

 

 

 

 

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." 

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

 

 

 

Signs You Made A Bad Choice For A Motel 

1. The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Nixon has resigned.

2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.

3. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow.

4. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.

5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.

6. There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.

7. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.

8. Your wake up call comes courtesy of a police helicopter

 

 

 

Whitman Downfall....

Just found out that my old manager, who is going to retire this year, is moving to North Dallas to be close to his grand triplets.  This could be a moneymaking proposition for him, but he'd still have to contend with that part of Texas.  I,m ready for a change, too- but I don't know if I'm ready for that much of a change.


So Meg Whitman thinks that she can win the election even without the Hispanic vote.  I'd really be surprised.  In particular, since reading about housekeeper-gate.  It will be interesting when all the facts come out from Gloria Allred, but I think that the damage may have already been done to her image (if she still has one).  It is pretty amazing that she has spent $120M of her own money, and yet is still neck and neck with Jerry Brown.  There is no doubt though, that housekeeper-gate has cost her many, many votes, some of which are Hispanic.

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the
corner.

The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer,
goes over and picks up the spittoon. He raises it to his lips and
starts chugging away.

The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"

But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.

Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"

But the wino keeps on drinking.

Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon
down. So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me
telling you to stop? Why didn't you stop?"

"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

What will they think of next? Shut-off Valves For Gas Pipes!!

It sure is good that the California gubmint is now going to require inspections of all the high pressure gas pipes and force shut-off valves (some automatic) to be installed and maintained.  PG&E couldn't shut off the pipe in San Bruno (how stupid or cheap can you get?), so this is one very small consolation to those people killed or those that lost a house.  Where was the Public Utilities Commission for the last fifty years ?  Why isn't this common practice in all the states ?  Why would the let developers build over these pipes and not inform the people that live there ??  Sure is a surplus of questions and nary an answer in sight.  Pretty much like trying to get help from any utility....

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.  

One day Tony was in a restaurant, when he suddenly realized that he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at him.....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his MP3 player.

Never Say Never...

Last night we watched "Robin Hood" with Russell Crow.  Terre was reluctant to watch it, at first.  She was expecting it to be like all the other versions.  We did not know, though, that this one is a prequel.  The part we have always associated with the story, does not start until the end of this movie.  The action was very well done and the photography and sets were very beautiful and authentic looking.  I would recommend the movie.

It is an absolute scorcher today.  I have never experienced this kind of heat in Santa Barbara.  I guess it is important to never say never....Los Angeles broke the heat record there at 12:15 today at 113 degrees.  The hottest on this day since they began keeping records.
   

TEXAS 
IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN TEXAS

....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps. ....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs


IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS............

That the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

A few chuckles here

· I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

· More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

· Nothing s*cks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

· I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

· I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

· The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

· Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

· There is a great need for sarcasm font.

· Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

· I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. 

· How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

· I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

· I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (please!) 

· The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

· A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

· Was learning cursive really necessary?

· Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

· I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

· Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

· My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

· Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

· How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

· I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

· While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

· MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

· Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

· I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

· Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

· I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.  

· Bad decisions make good stories

· Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

· If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

· Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

· You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

· Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

· There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

· I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

· "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

· I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

· While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

· I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

· I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 

· When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

· I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

· Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

· As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

· Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

· It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

· I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

· I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

· Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

· Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ##### everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

· My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

· It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

· I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

· I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

· I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. 

· The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
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Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.