Spanish Moss....

Savannah and Charleston are supposed to be among the most haunted cities in the USA.  Many of the houses have their porches and window frames painted Haint blue to keep out the less kindred spirits (they supposedly won't cross over water, and Haint blue looks like water).  We decided that for the limited time that we had available to us, the ghost tours were not on the top of our list.


It is very easy to see how the residents of old may have thought they were seeing ghosts when really it may have been Spanish moss that hangs from the trees, swaying in the breezes.  We found out that this stuff is really not Spanish or moss, but an air fern (bromeliad) instead.  It just hangs on the trees and feeds on the particles in the wind.  It is not parasitic to the trees.  We were told NOT to handle it as is usually contains chiggers (noseeums that bite).  Interestingly enough, Henry Ford figured a way to use Spanish moss as an upholstery filler for the Model A and Model T seats.  I guess there must be a way to strip away the chiggers.

The stuff is everywhere around those cities.  It really adds a lot of charm. 

Spanish Moss
(Tillandsia usneoides)

Another interesting plant is the Palmetto Palm.  These are all over as well.  This is the state tree of South Carolina and Florida.

There is also a local beer (actually pretty good, too).

Answering machine message at a Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-
e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-
term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it
up.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving
him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the
same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would
always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a several
miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that son of a bitch on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They
gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle
of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they
knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before
you die.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and
said, "Don't sell that cow."

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and
then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of
the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your
tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and
just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing,
you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food
that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market
is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave
work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Repeat after me:

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e- mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
POST CARDS, or GET-WELL-CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately
after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending
things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC
to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and
send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full
moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months
and all of your hair will fall out!

Pedicab Memories...

One evening after traipsing all over Savannah, we decided to go to dinner and had the attendant at the B&B call us a pedicab.  I had never ridden in one before.  It was a beautiful evening and we wanted to experience it.  We asked about their cost, but were told that they worked for tips only.  I'd say we went about a mile, and gave the guy a ten spot.  He was happy and so were we.  He was a student that just picked up extra cash at night, whenever he needed to.


Before we left, we had the idea to visit Paula Deen's Restaurant in Savannah.  Her dishes look so good on TV.  When we got there, we found out that they don't take advanced reservations but require you to show up on the morning you want a dinner reservation to sign up.  At any rate, everyone in Savannah that we asked about it gave it a thumb's down and a frown.  Unfortunately, it is no longer the place it was when she was working there.  We did see the people waiting to get in, though.

 

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

"This is an actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss. His boss apparently resigned
very soon afterwards!"

Dear Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network
computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also
never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping
their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to
hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not
usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice to say I
have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending
the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please. I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with
your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely

Darryl Brewer

What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic and an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

A Storybook Wedding...

Well, we have returned safely and it was a good trip. I certainly have much to share, but I am still suffering from a bit of jet-lag. We managed to go to Savannah, Tybee Island, Hilton Head Island, and Charleston, as well as points in-between, and of course, Atlanta for the wedding.

I was a story-book wedding on a plantation outside of Greensboro, Georgia. The plantation mansion is situated on a hill overlooking a large pond surrounded with cattle. The wedding audience chairs were placed in rows facing the front porch of the plantation mansion, with the minister on the porch. The wedding party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) paraded from each side of the house and lined up on each side of the porch, groomsmen on one side and bridesmaids on the other. The groom cam out of the house to stand on the porch adjacent to the minister. Then they all turned to face the audience.

From down the road was heard the clip-clop, clip-clop of two horses. They were pulling a carriage with the bride-to-be and her father. They drove up the circular driveway and stopped at the center aisle leading up to the porch. They got out of the carriage and proceeded to the porch for the ceremony. During the whole ceremony, on could here both the horses neighing and snorting. When the ceremony finished, the bride and groom left in the carriage.

It was very beautiful. Kinda what I would expect in the South for a high-end ceremony. We were certainly not disappointed.

More on the trip (and the South, in general) over the next few days...


I picked up Max from boarding today... He must have thought we returned him to be adopted by some other family...

"Warshing" Clothes Recipe.........

 

Never thought of a "washer" in this light before. what a blessing!
"Warshing Clothes Recipe" -- imagine having a recipe for this ! ! !
Years ago a Bisbee grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:
this is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook -
with spelling errors and all.



WARSHING CLOTHES
Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.
To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.
Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.
Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.
Hang old rags on fence.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
Turn tubs upside down.
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.





A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

  

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the life out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

The Farmer, Cletus, is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the heck out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Electronically-Challenged
Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the cell phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy razor/slimline phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide-quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22-inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

 

R & R Here I come...

So this is my last blog entry for a few days.  I'll be on the road in Georgia and South Carolina returning on the tenth and I hope to make a new entry sometime soon after that.  I'm sure I will have many new experiences to share...

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.  

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days.."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.  

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..  
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief  is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."   
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"  FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE"

 

 

 

 

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." 

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

 

 

 

Signs You Made A Bad Choice For A Motel 

1. The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Nixon has resigned.

2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.

3. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow.

4. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.

5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.

6. There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.

7. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.

8. Your wake up call comes courtesy of a police helicopter

 

 

 

Whitman Downfall....

Just found out that my old manager, who is going to retire this year, is moving to North Dallas to be close to his grand triplets.  This could be a moneymaking proposition for him, but he'd still have to contend with that part of Texas.  I,m ready for a change, too- but I don't know if I'm ready for that much of a change.


So Meg Whitman thinks that she can win the election even without the Hispanic vote.  I'd really be surprised.  In particular, since reading about housekeeper-gate.  It will be interesting when all the facts come out from Gloria Allred, but I think that the damage may have already been done to her image (if she still has one).  It is pretty amazing that she has spent $120M of her own money, and yet is still neck and neck with Jerry Brown.  There is no doubt though, that housekeeper-gate has cost her many, many votes, some of which are Hispanic.

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the
corner.

The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer,
goes over and picks up the spittoon. He raises it to his lips and
starts chugging away.

The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"

But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.

Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"

But the wino keeps on drinking.

Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon
down. So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me
telling you to stop? Why didn't you stop?"

"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

What will they think of next? Shut-off Valves For Gas Pipes!!

It sure is good that the California gubmint is now going to require inspections of all the high pressure gas pipes and force shut-off valves (some automatic) to be installed and maintained.  PG&E couldn't shut off the pipe in San Bruno (how stupid or cheap can you get?), so this is one very small consolation to those people killed or those that lost a house.  Where was the Public Utilities Commission for the last fifty years ?  Why isn't this common practice in all the states ?  Why would the let developers build over these pipes and not inform the people that live there ??  Sure is a surplus of questions and nary an answer in sight.  Pretty much like trying to get help from any utility....

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.  

One day Tony was in a restaurant, when he suddenly realized that he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at him.....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his MP3 player.

Never Say Never...

Last night we watched "Robin Hood" with Russell Crow.  Terre was reluctant to watch it, at first.  She was expecting it to be like all the other versions.  We did not know, though, that this one is a prequel.  The part we have always associated with the story, does not start until the end of this movie.  The action was very well done and the photography and sets were very beautiful and authentic looking.  I would recommend the movie.

It is an absolute scorcher today.  I have never experienced this kind of heat in Santa Barbara.  I guess it is important to never say never....Los Angeles broke the heat record there at 12:15 today at 113 degrees.  The hottest on this day since they began keeping records.
   

TEXAS 
IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN TEXAS

....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps. ....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs


IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS............

That the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

A few chuckles here

· I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

· More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

· Nothing s*cks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

· I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

· I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

· The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

· Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

· There is a great need for sarcasm font.

· Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

· I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. 

· How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

· I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

· I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (please!) 

· The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

· A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

· Was learning cursive really necessary?

· Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

· I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

· Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

· My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

· Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

· How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

· I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

· While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

· MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

· Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

· I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

· Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

· I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.  

· Bad decisions make good stories

· Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

· If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

· Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

· You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

· Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

· There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

· I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

· "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

· I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

· While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

· I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

· I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 

· When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

· I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

· Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

· As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

· Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

· It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

· I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

· I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

· Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

· Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ##### everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

· My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

· It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

· I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

· I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

· I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. 

· The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
__________________
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.    

BULBouts Were Us

Another hot one today.  We are probably going to lay low as much as possible....Just a few trip related tasks to accomplish. 

We still haven't booked any tours for our trip.  There are too many to decide from.  Interestingly enough, the more expensive ones don't look any better than the more frugal ones.  That also adds to the problems with deciding.

I have a lot of anxiety because I really want to go on vacation, but there is currently so much happening in my life on a day-to-day schedule, I'm afraid of missing out on something.  I have to learn to delegate to those that remain....


I see that the City is backing down on SPENDing more money on BULBouts, for the time being.  For some reason, they think that they are MORE dangerous on some corners than others.  This really doesn't make sense.  Their safety/danger can easily be measured as a percentage of the traffic past that corner. So consequently, the advantage (if any) disappears when the traffic is density is at a certain HIGH level.  With that in mind, why SPEND extra money on areas where the traffic is not a big issue.  The gain is not worthy of the expenditure.  Oh yes, that sounds almost logical.

Signs and Slogans:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least
bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two
years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and
starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns
back to the salesman,

"Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be
two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and
starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back
again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from
now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says
that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up
to the salesman,

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be
two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the
afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet
another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon,
two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the
morning."

A Cat Owner's Story

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she harkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

"Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

Bailed out and Spoiled...

So apparently, another Judge let Lindsay Lohan out on bail.  I guess they will never learn....


Hot one today, got up to 92 degrees.  It's like summer finally got here...

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible. 

Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh,
Please retire in Santa Barbara.
Arizona's quickly changing,
Joe Arpaio's posse's rants the world estranging.

The last time I came for a visit,
I heard that he had gone ballistic.
You remember Xochil Peña?
Her poor grandma was harrased at work in Mesa.

All the smart guys seem to hate him,
and he refuses to debate them.
All the times he talks in public,
it seems he thinks he already runs his own Republic.

I'm surprised it doesn't scare ya,
that your neighbors often dare ya,
to volunteer with Arpaio's cronies,
'cuz they've loved him since he began with the pink chonies.

Please leave home, oh muddah fadduh,
stay with me, it's not a bother.
Don't stay there out in the desert where
the crazies think they know what's fair.

Please leave home, I promise you a fun filled time,
fresh produce and good local wine,
oh please don't make me beg,
that state's become a rotten egg.

Dearest Fadda, darling Mudda,
how's my precious, doggie brudda?
I can't wait to, let him kiss me.
Hurry over and admit you also miss me.

Wait a minute, the plan is failing,
crazy's spreading, saneness is flailing.
If he tries to, can we stop this?
Could Arpaio actually win the oval office?!

Actual stories provided by travel agents:


...as posted in r.t.c. by Norman Singer Story 1.
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. Story 2.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
Story 3.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is
in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response .....click.
Story 4.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
Story 5.
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"  I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Story 6.
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
Story 7.
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
Story 8.
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's  luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
Story 9.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"  I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
Story 10.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
Story 11.
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of  those."  I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
Story 12.
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked  up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."  The customer retorted, "Oh  don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!" The agent scoured  a map of the state of New York and  finally offered,  "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"