Back to Oxy

A real busy and stressful day today, and also it started really foggy and eventually cleared.  I was bouncing between buildings evaluating new software.


Well, the big push is on to get Tori packed and delivered to Oxy on Sunday.  I am really going to miss her being here, but I'm also looking forward to a simpler and less demanding times...


The city reveals it's bed tax profits for July and apparently they are way up, which means we had many, many tourists.  Good thing, because someone has to pay for all the new brick-lined crosswalks and bulb-outs.  What's with those anyway ???

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'  

No one  moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to  face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your  transgression.'
         
Again all was  quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has  been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation  roared

A poem by an unknown author....

Boobs
Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip out
They stay put just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes not my tits

I want a raise...
  A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
 
  B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
 
  A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious
  firm for over ten years.
 
  B: Yes.
 
  A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I  currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you  first.
 
  B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just  not the right time.
 
  A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic
  down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take
  into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this
  company for over a decade.
 
  B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
  start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an
  extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
 
  A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
 
  B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after  you?
 
  A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the  Mortgage Company!

Parents, do you know what this test means ??


The text message reads:
"1 w45 50 j4ck3d up |457 n16h7. 1 5c0r3d 50m3 cr4ck 47 7h3 p4r7y 50 1'd h4v3 17 f0r 70n16h7 4nd 70m0rr0w, 4nd 7h3n J1mmy 700k 0ff w17h 17, 7h3 455h0|3! 1 4m 4|| j1773ry 4nd n33d 70 m337 up w17h y0u 70n16h7 4f73r my p4r3n75 7h1nk 1 4m 45|33p. c4n y0u m337 m3 47 b0j4n6|3'5 47 m1dn16h7 ju57 f0r 4 f3w m1nu735? 1 ju57 n33d 4 |177|3 4nd 1 c4n p4y y0u b4ck 0n m0nd4y, 1 pr0m153."

Translation:

"I was so jacked up last night. I scored some crack at the party so I'd have it for tonight and tomorrow, and then Jimmy took off with it, the [expletive]! I am all jittery and need to meet up with you tonight after my parents think i am asleep. Can you meet me at Bojangle's at midnight just for a few minutes? I just need a little and I can pay you back on Monday, I promise."

Who says the government is not efficient?
Pythagorean Theorem: 24 words
The Lord's prayer: 66 Words
The Ten Comandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1300 words

U.S.Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26911 words

TV Misguide...

So we finally got to see the oral surgeon today and Tori is okay except for some minor swelling.


Isn't it interesting how the BP oil spill is not in the news anymore ?  Do we all actually believe that they have cleaned up everything ?  Aren't they going to get fined ?  How long do they have to wait ?


So now I have digital TV service from COX and have over 600 channels and can't find anything worth watching.  I'm really not surprised, but utterly amazed!  The one feature that I really like is the on-screen TV-guide.  Unfortunately, not only does it provide "new" or "rerun" information, but it is also inaccurate as to what is actually showing.  I would have expected that if programming changes that an electronic guide would be easy to keep accurate, but I was wrong....

If women were on the periodic table

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
 
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
 
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. 

Top 10 Signs You're Over The Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and aren't breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

Famous Quotes About Getting Old

• I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
• At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
• Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
• When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
• A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman

Poem By Leo RosenbergFirst you forget names,
then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.

What'd You Think?

 

 

 

Genuine Answers From a 16 Year Old 

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Simple, Keep it in the cow.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

With the last one funniest of all

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

Burnout ?

Today I had to deal with the inadequacy of a piece of equipment that was ordered incorrectly as under-capable.  It would bother me less if I had specified it, and was wrong.  Here someone that makes more money than I, is either over-stretched or has reached his perch in the land of the Peter Principle.

Tori's oral surgeon (that we were supposed to visit today) was naive enough to believe that a Federal Court summons to appear in Los Angeles would free him in less than half a day.  They haven't even got organized and started by then.  Meanwhile, we are now shooting for tomorrow. 

Work doesn't seem as much fun as it used to be...Perhaps I'm reaching burnout.  I need some time off.
 

The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein
participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much
harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up,
and honorable mentions are listed below.

Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In
winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that
stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller
skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right
you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which
we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd
use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped
to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates,
which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels
would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days
roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.

And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek
and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every
day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with
potatoes.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do
addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers
amputated.

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off
voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors
closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the
tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump
at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own
hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the
sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the
back of a giant tortoise.

Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired,
liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal
60-year-old guys.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed
razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just
had to hope you could outrun him.

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch
television by candlelight.

In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.

Get Rich Slow
The End Of Get Rich Quick = The Beginning Of Getting Rich
* Tired of the relentless "Get Rich Quick" schemes that abound?
* Have you fallen victim to pyramid scheme after pyramid scheme in a fruitless attempt to realize your "American Dream" of becoming fabulously wealthy without earning it?
* Have you found attempts to swindle money from the unsuspecting public has left you high and dry?

If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions then you have been barking up the wrong road all this time...

The secret of gaining fortunes is not in getting it quick, but getting it, period. That is why I have created a system of "Get Rich Slow" schemes that are guaranteed to make you millionaires!!! Yes, that is right, If you don't become a millionaire before you die, I will personally give you my entire net worth on the spot! That is how confident I am that these techniques will work. Yes, my friend, the pot of gold that you have been searching for is here, read on:
GET RICH SLOW -- The Basics
The most important concepts in the "Get Rich Slow" philosophy are the three C's (Can, Coin, Couch), commonly referred to as the three "treasures" of getting rich. Once you have memorized and mastered these techniques you will never have to worry about money again...

$ THE FIRST TREASURE - One Word: "Cans"
Today's world severely underestimates the value of turning in aluminum cans for cash. Some states will pay up to five cents per pound that you can collect, which is about the average weight in Coke and Pepsi cans that are used by a family of four in one month! Yes, that means every house on your block is a potential nickel in your pocket, every month! The average neighborhood may contain 90 homes, that is four dollars and fifty cents in your pocket per month! The untapped power of the aluminum can dollar is not yet even begun to be realized... but wait, you say that most families put their recyclable materials in those red or green recycle bins to be picked up every week... A true opportunist sees these little baskets as the golden goose! Go out there and raid those bins! Stick it to the man and take his trash, because that is money in your pocket!

$ THE SECOND TREASURE - Don't spend those old coins, collect them!
Unknown to most people, the coins that you use every day may be twenty, thirty, even forty years old or more. As these coins age, their value goes up astronomically! A silver dollar from the turn of the century goes today for nearly $1.02 on the collectors market, and one from 1870 can go has high as $1.05!!!! Think what would happen if you began stockpiling your twenty and thirty year old coins now... In less than one century you will have all the cash you will ever need! That means no more fiddling with junk savings bonds, no more fear of spending your final years in poverty... You will be sitting pretty with your set of 1972 dimes, dimes that will make you rich! Whoever said the seventies never created anything worthwhile! They will make your fortune.

$ THE THIRD TREASURE - The City of Gold
The third treasure in the pursuit to get rich slow is the hidden gold mine that exists in everyone's house, yes the living-room sofa. The average sofa can collect up to 12 cents from a single man's pants... Some students of the Get Rich Slow philosophy have reported collecting SEVENTY two cents in an average week, merely from rummaging the couch after every guest... Can you believe those numbers??? This is no hoax, this system really works! The highest record reported so far has been one dollar and thirteen cents in a single night after a particularly successful party! With those numbers, how can you lose?

$ SUCCESS IS YOURS -- Don't Hesitate, Act Now, Reap Later
Don't hesitate, go, go, go, and begin raking in your first pennies today and by the end of the year you will be skilled enough to make nearly fifty cents a day. With that earning power you will find yourself free to do all the things you have dreamed of: Buying food, collecting matches, becoming your own employee!

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. Please listen carefully to the menu selections, because they change every hour.....

If you are Obsessive Compulsive . . . press 1, repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent . . . please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities . . . press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid . . . we know who you are, and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional . . . press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic . . . listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Depressed . . . it doesn't matter what number you press . . . no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic . . . press 969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder . . . please fidget with the Asterisk key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia . . . press 8 and then state your Name, Address, Phone Number, Date of Birth, Social Security Number and your Mother's and Grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder . . . slowly and very carefully press 000.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder . . . please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss . . . please try to call again later.

If you have Low Self-Esteem . . . please hang up. Our operators are far too busy to talk to you

If none of the above apply . . . you have the wrong number, though it might be the right time to at least see our doctor.

If you find this to be an error, please call again.

Thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline.

Powerless

Today was a bit frustrating, as the power kept going off.  Now I understand, the plan is to shut off the power and hopefully fix the problem.

Now that Tiger is officially divorced, maybe he can get his game on again (and play golf too)!

Looks like Fogust finally gave up in favor of August, but now it is almost Fall and school started today!

  

NEW DOG BREEDS!
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy. 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a
hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting
BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting loaded from all of the beer. 


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to look HOT...just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.  

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are
now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach. 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a
good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. **Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili? **
Judge # 3 - No Report.... 

Father and son shark see a boat capsize and four people floating in water. The senior shark sees a good opportunity to teach his son an important lesson.

"OK, here's what we're gonna do. First we swim three circles around them with just our fins sticking out of the water. Ready?"

"Ready" says the junior shark. So they swim three times around the passengers with fins sticking up.

"Good, job", says senoir. "Now this time we do it again, but get a little closer and show them your teeth". So they circle again with teeth showing.

"Good", says senior. "Now we go in and eat to our hearts content". So back they go and chomp away.

While swimming away with their bellies full the junoir shark asks his dad, "What was all that circling about before hand?"

"Oh that. Well they just taste a whole lot better after they get all that shit out of their system"
 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
" Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"

 

What is Celibacy? 
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........  

Apple Store Positive Experience...

Well, I had a good experience at the Apple store today.  My daughter's laptop has been having issues and we let them run a diagnostic.  Apparently, it was the battery.  Once replaced, it appears to operating as good as new.  The geek at the store knew best...


Many chores today and much to accomplish around the house.  A busy weekend.


We watched "Copout" with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan.  After about fifteen minutes we lost all patience with Tracy Morgan's character.  It was, without a doubt, one of Bruce Willis' WORST movies and not worth the free-of-charge that we watched the DVD.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"
"Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago!

The Manitoba Herald
as Reported by Clive Runnels
August 1, 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed
loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.

They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.  

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the
Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert! 

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa . . .

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironing, cookin' and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, is in good health and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then-
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

Another Google Gulp!

Had breakfast with a friend from a job I had about 18 years ago, today.  Nick has a very nice family, a good measure of his success.

Growing too fast ?  Google is buying a company a week.  This is beginning to sound a bit dangerous.  Do they need these companies or are they eliminating possible future competition ?

Bananas and Monkeys
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.
And that, my friends, is how company policies are made. 

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night.

The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.
Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son,
and a gigantic pig who is sporting three medals around his neck,
as well as a wooden leg.

Unable to contain his curiosity he asks, "Would you mind telling
me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little
Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and
started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out
of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we
gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver
medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the
middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the
flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us
up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you

about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks
ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased
that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal
and allowed him to eat with us here in the house."

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating
his meal. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, a pig like that you
don't eat all at once!"

The world (as we think we know it) will change forever...in hours.

So remember when I said that we should be concerned that BP could declare bankruptcy ?  No that they have REALLY determined that all the oil is not gone, but "stuck" 3000 feet below the surface, where will it come up ?  

Or worse yet, what is it poisoning ?  New Orleans is advertising low-octane shrimp, but what if the food-chain is poisoned.  If the lowest end of the food-chain, the krill, is poisoned and it works its way up, how do we handle that ?  

I think they should suck that oil up from that twenty-mile long plume and hope that they get it all, instead of waiting for it to disperse.

In hours, the world will change forever as Iran fires up their first nuclear reactor. How long can it be before they have a bomb and a way to deliver it ?

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the buggy, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . This little bastard's name is Kevin." 

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to"bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Palin's True Colors Revisited

I am ecstatic that Dr. Laura is going to retire from the airwaves.  I am also very happy that Sarah Palin is supporting her.  Palin is providing us with one more layer revealed of her persona.  If we had ever suspected that there was one shred of justice in her, she has just proved otherwise.


New Orleans now has low-octane shrimp for sale.... 

Why is it that many people that own hybrid cars have a holier-than-thou attitude.  Are they ignorant enough to believe that they are providing a benefit to the world by using less gasoline in their car ?  Don't they realize that the electricity that is generated to charge their plug-in was more than likely generated by burning coal- which is at least as bad than the extra gasoline.  Worse than that, though, may be the plans for disposing of the exhausted batteries when that time comes.  Those of you that saw "Slumdog Millionaire" know what happens to our recycled electronics (they end up in India). Maybe owning an electric or hybrid car is just a "feelgood" measure in a time where they are far-and-few between.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections
from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf
person for this job: if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be
able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,
000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in
a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is
late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The
hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags
the guy to a sign language interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him whereda money
is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's - the - money?"

The deaf man signs back, "I - don't - know - what - you're - talking - about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about".

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where - is - the - money?"

The deaf man signs back, "The - $40,000 - is - hidden - in - a - tree - stump - in - my - back- yard."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

The Unnatural Evolution of the Mindset

The mindset is changing ever so fast.  Can we keep up ?  Is it important?  I asked my daughter why she carries her cell phone around with her and she responded that if someone calls or texts, she wants to answer immediately, because otherwise would be rude!  This "umbilical" nature with her technological needs has become "natural" for her generation.  

Why is it so important to be "wired" all the time ?  Are we not able to escape anymore ?  More and more places are becoming WiFi enabled.  More and more cell towers are bombarding us with as-yet unproven unsafe RF radiation.  Putting that aside, what is the effect on our mindset and on the social expectations from us. 

Have we become too dependent on technology to have original thoughts and revel in the private encounters with nature without technologies' interruptions ?  Did we forget to "smell the flowers"?  

There is a huge danger here that we will forget how to operate without technology's help.  What then ?  Remember the movie "Idiocracy" ?  

As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

The Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2014
Most students entering college for the first time this fall—the Class of 2014—were born in 1992.
For these students, Benny Hill, Sam Kinison, Sam Walton, Bert Parks and Tony Perkins have always been dead.
1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
3. “Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.”
4. Al Gore has always been animated.
5. Los Angelenos have always been trying to get along.
6. Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High.
7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.
8. With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities.
9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.
10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.
11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.
12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.
13. Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation.
14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.
15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
17. Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection.
18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.
19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.
20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.
21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.
22. Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech.
23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.
24. “Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording.
25. Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks.
26. Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides.
27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.
28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
29. Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown.
30. “Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows.
31. The first computer they probably touched was an Apple II; it is now in a museum.
32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.
33. Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen.
34. “Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always been an alternative to hospitals.
35. Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall.
36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
37. Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.”
38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.
40. There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics.
41. American companies have always done business in Vietnam.
42. Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict.
43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.
44. The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs.
45. They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college.
46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.
47. Children have always been trying to divorce their parents.
48. Someone has always gotten married in space.
49. While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States.
50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.
51.  Food has always been irradiated.
52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.
53. J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he? 
54. The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy.
55. Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties.
56. They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street.
57. A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife. 
58. Beethoven has always been a dog.
59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.
60. Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.
61. Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else.
62. Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine. 
63. Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies.
64. The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely.
65. They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus.
66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.
67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.
68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.
69. The Post Office has always been going broke.
70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.
71. The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing.
72. One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been.
73. Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated.
74. They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi Channel.
75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.

Finding Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following this simple advice, I finally have found Inner Peace:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I have finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, all my Prozac, and a small box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right how.

Pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Understanding Politics
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit

Carnation Milk
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With "Carnation Milk is best of all."

She thought to herself; "I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this." She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said; "Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it."

"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch"

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner...

I looked away for a couple seconds.

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Stupid women drivers! 

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid..

Wisdomless...

Well Tori was a trooper and had her surgery this morning.  She had a bit of trouble returning to the "feeling" world, though.  Her first words were, "Can we go though In-and-Out on the way home?".  Then she was babbling about Pocahontas and a bent-neck giraffe.  She didn't know who me or her mother was or where she was.  She got a look at herself in a mirror and asked who that was!  Boy....that was good stuff she is on!

By 4:00 she was out in the family room having a bowl of oatmeal still with a numb chin and bottom lip.

Travel advisory

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 


Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit. 

Questions And Answers From An AARP Forum
Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A:   Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:  How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:   Take off your glasses.

Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:   Go braless; it will usually pull them out.

Q:   Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:  Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A:   On their foreheads.

Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:   'Gosh, I remember these!'

Smile, you've still got your sense of humor, right?

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back." 

A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil. "My
testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to Jill. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?

"Grape."