Going up to Figueroa Mountain (by Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch) to watch the planetary lineup and the Perseid meteor showers. It should be fun- or we'll all catch colds - or both.
Can anyone believe what Ben Quayle has been saying ? I can understand being unhappy with Obama's performance, but to call him the worst President in history. That is just ridiculous. After all, we gave George Bush eight years to shape up and now Obama is having to not only pick up the pieces but also undo the harm that he and the Republicans caused. I firmly believe that things will get better, and then Obama will be to blame. This guy thinks he is going to win an election saying those kind of things. The only people that will vote for him are the same ones that see Obama's color before his goodness. They will ignore the evil and crooked because of their color. We should all reserve judgement for when Obama manages to upend all the dominoes that Bush toppled. Right now we don't even know about all the dominoes or their repercussions. It is probably good that this jerk spouts off before he is put into a position of power. Now maybe we can prevent that....
The mountain jaunt was off. It was too dark and their was too much traffic. We went to the Vista Point adjacent to Lake Cachuma to view the shower (trickle). We faced the back of my pickup to the Northeast and reclined in the bed. All night long, we buzzed by bats pursuing their evening repast.There were not as many meteors as predicted (twenty per hour), but some were fantastic, traveling the whole width of the the sky, while others were very small, bright, segments. Also very impressive 2was the lineup of the planets adjacent, in the sky, to the crescent moon.
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what applique is.
29. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob).
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.
36. You don't have a burning desire to own an AK47.
Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Oxyacetelene Torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
Zippo Lighter:
See oxyacetelene torch.
Whitworth Sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
Wire Wheel:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
Tweezers:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
Phone:
Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
Snap-On Gasket Scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
Timing Light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Battery Electrolyte Tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
Aviation Metal Snips:
See Hacksaw.
Trouble Light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Phillips Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Air Compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
You Might be a Child of the 80's If...
* You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before.
* The phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
* You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
* The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
* Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
* Three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
* You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
* You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
* You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
* A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
* You're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
* You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
* While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
* You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
* You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
* You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
* You can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.
* You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
* You knew all the words to Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire, but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
* You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".
* You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:
o "When I was younger"
o "When I was your age"
o "You know, back when..."
o "Because I said so, that's why"
o "What the Hell is this noise on the radio?"
o "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
* You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" didn't involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
* Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you actually learned the English language.
* Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
* "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
* The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
* There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
* The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
* You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
* You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.
* You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
* Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".
* This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.
* You remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS...".
* You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
* You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect you) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
* You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
* You won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".
* Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
* You want to go out dancing, you really, really do, but your back hurts, sorry.
* You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.
* You've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
* You're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
* (mostly guys on this one) Sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.
* You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
* U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
* You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
* When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
* You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
* You ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
* You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
* You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there".
* You know who shot J.R.
* This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Paducah, KY who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Bowling Green. One of my sisters lives in Taylorsville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Louisville. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Eddyville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute, who currently lives in Lexington. She is still a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin from Ashland, who just removed the tag from his mattress. Concerned for my cousin as she might reveal this to the wrong individuals.
