Fogust (continued)...

Well Fogust continues as the last vestiges of this year's Fiesta clears out.  I'm sure that confetti on everything in sight downtown from the thousands of Cascarones.  All the trash cans in sight are overflowing.  Most celebrants are asleep until after noon.  I wonder how many arrests there were....


We watched "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" last evening (sorry, it was too late to get this out last night).  I found it an enjoyable fantasy.  It was very interesting to see former James Bond, Piece Brosnan as a centaur and Uma Thurman as Medusa.  The special effects were great, but the plot and acting were definitely in the "C" range.  This was a good kids movie and may be the beginning of a series of movies, given the number of books that there are.

Things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
Things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.  Hell, we do
that all the time.  It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own.  A guy can go into a
bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to
piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,
and onto his shoe.  I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up.  I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay.  Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at
night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was
going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the
dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't
aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and
that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on
the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other
hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.  You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.  OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just
not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to
my wife.  I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down
like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried
sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room.  Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to  that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in
the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!

Those of you that are fans of Snapple, here is collection of retired facts from the inside of their caps...





#1 A Goldfish’s attention span is three seconds.

#2 Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons.

#3 Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes under water.

#4 Slugs have four noses.

#5 Camels have three eyelids.

#6 A honey bee can fly at 15mph.

#7 A queen bee can lay 800-1,500 eggs per day.

#8 A bee has five eyes.

#9 The average speed of a housefly is 4.5 mph.

#10 Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas.

#11 Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp.

#12 Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backward.

#13 Cats have over 100 vocal chords.

#14 Camel’s milk does not curdle.

#15 All porcupines float in water.

#16 The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.

#17 A hummingbird weighs less then a penny.

#18 A jellyfish is 95% water.

#19 Children grow faster in the spring.

#20 Broccoli is the only vegetable that is also a flower.

#21 Almonds are part of the peach family.

#22 Alaska has the highest percentage of people who walk to work.

#23 The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile national monument.

#24 The state of Maine has 62 lighthouses.

#25 The only food that does not spoil is honey.

#26 The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters.

#27 A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber.

#28 Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying.

#29 On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.

#30 Fish have eyelids.

#31 The average human will eat an average of eight spiders while sleeping.

#32 There are one million ants to every human in the world.

#33 Termites eat through wood two times faster when listening to rock music!

#34 If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white.

#35 Elephants only sleep two hours a day.

#36 A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

#37 A snail breathes through its foot.

#38 Fish cough.

#39 An ant’s smell is stronger then a dog’s.

#40 It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down.

#41 Shrimp can only swim backward.

#42 Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open.

#43 A cat’s lower jaw cannot move sideways.

#44 The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.

#45 Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles per day.

#46 Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump.

#47 Giraffes have no vocal chords.

#48 Cats can hear ultrasound.

#49 Despite its hump … camels has a straight spine.

#50 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.

#51 There are 63,360 inches in a mile.

#52 Eleven percent of people in the world are left-handed.

#53 The average women consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.

#54 The average smell weighs 760 nanograms.

#55 A human brain weighs about three pounds.

#56 A quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

#57 You blink over 10,000,000 times a year.

#58 A sneeze travels out of your nose at 100 mph.

#59 Brain waves can be used to power an electric train.

#60 The tongue is the fastest healing part of the body.

#61 Pigs get sunburned.

#62 The lifespan of a taste bud is 10 days.

#63 The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.

#64 Strawberries contain more vitamin C then oranges.

#65 A one-day weather forecast requires about 10 billion math calculations.

#66 Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza a day.

#67 There are 18 different animal shapes in the animal cracker zoo.

#68 The longest one syllable word is “screeched.”

#69 No word in the English language rhymes with month.

#70 A “jiffy” is actually 1/100 of a second.

#71 There is a town called “Big Ugly” in West Virginia.

#72 The average person uses 150 gallons of water per day for personal use.

#73 The average person spends two weeks of its life waiting for a traffic light to change.

#74 You share your birthday with nine million others in the world.

#75 The average person makes 1,140 phone calls per year.

#76 The average person spends two years on the phone in his/her lifetime.

#77 No piece of paper can be folded more then seven times.

#78 Alaska is the most eastern and western state in the U.S.

#79 There are 119 grooves on the edge of a quarter.

#80 About 18 percent of animal owners share their bed with their pet.

#81 Alaska has more caribou than people.

#82 August has the highest percentage of births.

#83 Googol is a number (1 followed by 100 zeros).

#84 Oysters can change genders back and forth.

#85 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

#86 Until the 19th century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

#87 A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.

#88 A ten gallon hat holds less then one gallon of liquid.

#89 The average American walks 18,000 steps a day.

#90 The average raindrop falls at seven mph.

#91 There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

#92 Fish can drown.

#93 A kangaroo can jump 30 feet.

#94 Lizards communicate by doing push-ups.

#95 Squids can have eyeballs the size of volleyballs.

#96 The average American will eat 35,000 cookies in his/her lifetime.

#97 A turkey can run at 20 mph.

#98 When the moon is directly over you, you weigh less.

#99 You burn 20 calories an hour chewing gum.

#100 In a year, the average person walks four miles making their bed.

#101 About half of all Americans are on a diet at any given time.

#102 A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

#103 Frowning burns more calories then smiling.

#104 There are more then 30,000 diets on public record.

#105 You will burn seven percent more calories walking on hard dirt then pavement.

#106 You weigh less at the top of a mountain then sea level.

#107 You burn more calories sleeping then watching TV.

#108 Licking a stamp burns 10 calories.

#109 Smelling apples and/or bananas can help you lose weight.

#110 Frogs never drink.

#111 Only male turkeys gobble.

#112 At birth, a Dalmatian is always pure white.

#113 The fastest recorded speed of a racehorse was over 43 mph.

#114 The oldest known animal was a tortoise, which lived to be 152 years old.

#115 Bamboo makes up 99 percent of a panda’s diet.

#116 The largest fish is the whale shark - it can be over 50 feet long and weigh two tons.

#117 The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out.

#118 Honeybees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.

#119 The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

#120 The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

#121 The only bird that can swim and not fly is a penguin.

#122 A duck can’t walk without bobbing its head.

#123 Beavers were once the size of bears.

#124 Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time.

#125 Pigeons have been trained by the U.S. Coast Guard to spot people lost at sea.

#126 A pigeon’s feathers are heavier than its bones.

#127 A hummingbird’s heart beats 1,400 times a minute.

#128 Dragonflies have six legs but can’t walk.

#129 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.

#130 Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.

#131 Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater to fresh water.

#132 A crocodile cannot move its tongue.

#133 Honeybees navigate by using the sun as a compass.

#134 An ant can lift 50 times its own weight.

#135 A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans per year.

#136 Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

#137 The city of Los Angeles has three times more automobiles than people.

#138 Hawaii is the only U.S. state that grows coffee.

#139 Hawaii is the only state with one school district.

#140 Holland is the only country with a national dog.

#141 The square dance is the official dance of the state of Washington.

#142 Hawaii is the only U.S. state never to report a temperature of zero degrees F or below.

#143 “Q” is the only letter in the alphabet not appearing in the name of any U.S. state.

#144 Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.

#145 Lake Superior is the world’s largest lake.

#146 The smallest county in America is New York County, better known as Manhattan.

#147 Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic.

#148 The tallest man was 8 ft. 11 in.

#149 Theodore Roosevelt was the only president who was blind in one eye.

#150 The first sport to be filmed was boxing in 1894.

#151 The fastest served ball in tennis was clocked at 154 mph in 1963.

#152 In 1985, the fastest bicyclist was clocked at 154 mph.

#153 The speed limit in NYC was eight mph in 1895.

#154 Americans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls.

#155 In 1926, the first outdoor mini-golf courses were built on rooftops in NYC.

#156 Swimming pools in the U.S. contain enough water to cover San Francisco.

#157 The first TV soap opera debuted in 1946.

#158 The first MTV video was “Video Killed the Radio Star,” by the Buggles.

#159 The first TV show ever to be put into reruns was “The Lone Ranger.”

#160 One alternative title that had been considered for NBC’s hit “Friends” was “Insomnia Café.”

#161 The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was “Captain Kangaroo.”

#162 The temperature of the sun can reach up to 15 million degrees Fahrenheit.

#163 The first penny had the motto “Mind your own business.”

#164 The first vacuum was so large, it was brought to a house by horses.

#165 Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise.

#166 Before mercury, brandy was used to fill thermometers.

#167 You have to play ping-pong for 12 hours to lose one pound.

#168 One brow wrinkle is the result of 200,000 frowns.

#169 The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.

#170 In 1878, the first telephone book ever issued contained only 50 names.

#171 The most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and the fingertips.

#172 The eye makes movements 50 times every second.

#173 Chinese is the most spoken language in the world.

#174 The world’s biggest pyramid is not in Egypt, but in Mexico.

#175 In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.

#176 The first bike was called a hobbyhorse.

#177 The first sailing boats were built in Egypt.

#178 The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00.

#179 The first lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty in 1886.

#180 The first VCR was made in 1956 and was the size of a piano.

#181 The first jukebox was located in San Francisco in 1899.

#182 A rainbow can only be seen in the morning or late afternoon.

#183 The Capitol building in Washington, D.C. has 365 steps to represent every day of the year.

#184 The most used letters in the English language are E, T, A, O, I and N.

#185 A male kangaroo is called a boomer.

#186 A female kangaroo is called a flyer.

#187 There are over 61,000 pizzerias in the U.S.

#188 Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest, and highest continent on earth.

#189 The Sahara Desert stretches farther than the distance from California to New York.

#190 Thailand means “Land of the Free.”

#191 Popcorn was invented by the American Indians.

#192 Jupiter spins so fast that there is a new sunrise nearly every 10 hours.

#193 The year that read the same upside down was 1961. That won’t happen again until 6009.

#194 You don’t have to be a lawyer to be a Supreme Court Justice.

#195 Eleven of the 50 states are named after an actual person.

#196 If you doubled one penny every day for 30 days, you would have $5,368,709.

#197 The first person crossed Niagara Falls by tightrope in 1859.

#198 The U.S. is the largest country names after an actual person (Amerigo Vespucci).

#199 The largest cheesecake ever made weighed 57,508 lbs.

#200 The first country to use postcards was Austria.

#206 Over 1 million earths would fit inside the sun.

#208 Add up opposing sides of a dice cue and you’ll always get seven.

#214 Giraffes can lick their own eyes.

#218 A jackrabbit can travel more than 12 feet in one hop.

#221 The game of basketball was first played using a soccer ball and two peach baskets.

#227 Tsiology is anything written about tea.

#228 There is a town in South Dakota named Tea.

#229 The Caspian Sea is actually a lake.

#232 The blue whale’s heart is the size of a small car.

#233 There are seven letters that look the same upside down as right side up.

#236 Cows give more milk when they listen to music.

#238 An ostrich’s brain is smaller than its eye.

#244 The watermelon seed-spitting world record is about 70 feet.

#251 There are more French restaurants in New York City than in Paris.

#257 The first food eaten in space by a U.S. astronaut was applesauce.

#258 Lemon wood is carved into chess pieces.

#262 The act of chewing an apple is a more efficient way to stay awake than caffeine.

#267 Double Dutch jump rope is considered a cross-training sport.

#268 One lemon tree will produce about 1,500 lemons a year.

#269 Horseback riding can improve your posture.

#270 Colors like red, yellow and orange make you hungry.

#272 At birth a human has 350 bones, but only 206 bones when full grown.

#273 Each year, the average American eats about 15 pounds of apples.

#275 It took the first man to walk around the world four years, three months and 16 days to complete his journey.

#278 China only has one time zone.

#292 Heavier, not bigger, lemons produce more juice.

#294 No only child has been a U.S. President.

#300 Pennsylvania is misspelled on the Liberty Bell.

#302 Ketchup was once sold as a medicine.

#312 A flea can jump 30,000 times without stopping.

#315 No two lip impressions are the same.

#326 On average, you’ll spend a year of your life looking for misplaced objects.

#336 The last letter to be added to our alphabet was J.

#346 The medical term for writer’s cramp is graphospasm.

#351 Cold water weighs less than hot water.

#354 Bamboo can grow three feet in one day.

#357 A baboon is a variety of lemon.

#358 Butterflies were formerly known by the name Flutterby.

#359 A teaspoon contains 120 drops of water.

#360 Mexican jumping beans jump to get out of sunlight.

#363 Pearls dissolve in vinegar.

#366 The center of some golf balls contain honey.

#370 Heat, not sunlight, ripens tomatoes.

#372 A housefly hums in the key of F.

#381 Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables.

#383 Mount Katahdin in Maine is the first place in the U.S. to get sunlight each morning.

#390 Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes.

#396 The dragonfly can reach speeds of up to 36 mph.

#399 Manhattan was the first capital of the United States.

#406 The deepest place in the ocean is about seven miles deep.

#408 Panda bears eat up to 16 hours a day.

#409 Approximately 16,500 people in the U.S. go by the last name Lemon.

#411 Lifejackets used to be filled with sunflower seeds for flotation.

#419 A jiffy is an actual time measurement equaling 1/100th of a second.

#422 Apples, peaches and raspberries are all members of the rose family.

#423 U.S. paper currency isn’t made of paper - it’s actually a blend of cotton and linen.

#424 The “ZIP” in the ZIP code stands for Zone Improvement Plan.

#425 Kangaroos can’t walk backwards.

#427 Lemons ripen after you pick them, but oranges do not.

#428 There are 118 ridges on the edge of a United States dime.

#429 There are 336 dimples on a regulation American golf ball.

#430 One acre of peanuts will make 30,000 peanut butter sandwiches.

#431 A twit is the technical term for a pregnant goldfish.

#436 Beavers have orange teeth.

#437 The woodpecker can hammer wood up to 16 times per second.

#438 Mount Everest rises a few millimeters every year.

#439 Snails can sleep for up to three years.

#440 The pupils in goats’ eyes are rectangular.

#442 Bees’ wings beat 11,400 times per minute.

#444 The Statue of Liberty wears a size 879 sandal.

#445 If there are two full moons in a month, the second one is called a “blue” moon.

#446 You breathe in about 13 pints of air every minute.

#447 A gallon of water weighs 8.34 pounds.

#448 The sun evaporates about a trillion tons of water a day.

#449 Sound travels quicker in water than in air.

#450 A group of cats is called a clowder.

#452 There are approximately 9,000 taste buds on your tongue.

#453 Raindrops can fall as fast as 20 miles per hour.

#454 Polar bear fur is transparent, not white.

#455 Lobsters can live up to 50 years.

#458 Fresh cranberries can be bounced like a rubber ball.

#463 The dot over the letter “I” is called a tittle.

#464 Cows do not have upper front teeth.

#469 454 U.S. dollar bills weigh exactly one pound.

#473 Antarctica has as much ice as the Atlantic Ocean has water.

#474 To temporarily revive your ballpoint pen, dip the tip into hot water for a few seconds.

#475 Wrapping rubber bands around the ends of hangers can prevent clothes from slipping off.

#476 Replacing your car’s air filter can improve gas mileage by 10 percent.

#477 A chalkboard eraser is one of the best ways to wipe a foggy windshield.

#478 Candles will burn longer and drip less if they are placed in the freezer a few hours before using.

#479 Knots come out easier if you sprinkle talcum powder on them.

#480 You can tell which day a loaf of bread was baked by the color of its plastic twist tag.

#484 Rinsing bacon under cold water before frying can reduce the amount it shrinks by almost 50 percent.

#485 Refrigerating apples can help them last up to 10 times longer than those left at room temperature.

#486 While chopping onions, hold a piece of bread between your lips to keep your eyes from watering.

#487 Place an apple in the bag with your potatoes to keep them from budding.

#488 Place a slice of bread in the storage container to keep cookies soft when storing.

#489 To keep an ice cream cone from dripping, stuff a miniature marshmallow into the bottom of the cone.

#490 To take lumps out of a bag of sugar, place it in the refrigerator for 24 hours.

#492 To remove crayon marks from walls, use a hairdryer to heat the wax.

#493 To make a zipper slide up and down more smoothly, rub a bar of soap over the teeth.

#494 Wipe the leaves of your plants with the soft inside of a banana skin to bring up shine and remove dust.

#496 To clean paint off your hands, use olive oil - it softens the paint and makes it easy to remove.

#497 To fix a button about to fall off, dab a little clear nail polish over the threads holding it on.

#651 Forty-six percent of leisure visitors to downtown New York City come from outside the United States.

#654 New York taxi drivers collectively speak 60 languages

#658 New York City is made up of 50 islands.

#660 The strike note of The Liberty Bell is E flat.

#661 Pigs were banished from Philadelphia’s city streets in 1710.

#662 Philadelphia was the first capital of the United States.

#663 Forty percent of America’s population lives within a one-day drive to Philadelphia.

#664 It is against the law to put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia.

#665 One in six doctors in America was trained in Philadelphia.

#667 The shoreline at Wildwood grows almost 100 feet per year.

#668 Cape May is the oldest seashore resort in America.

#669 In the game Monopoly, the properties are named after streets in Atlantic City.

#670 Long Beach Island was once frequented by pirates.

#671 There is a town called “Jersey Shore” in Pennsylvania.

#672 The Wildwood Boardwalk extends nearly two miles and has more than 70,000 wooden planks.

#673 The first Ferris wheel was built in Atlantic City in 1869.

 

Fogust!

Last night we watched "Kick-Ass".  I would give this movie a C- or D+.  Portions of it were pretty good and funny, but other parts were REALLY bad.  I'm glad we didn't pay anything to see it.

If I'm lucky today, I will manage to avoid the swarms of tourists here for Fiesta.  We used to take vacations this week of the year, so that we ensured missing the crowds.

Usually we have a bit of "May gray", and then some "June gloom", which this year extended through July.  Now we are in August and they are calling it "fogust"!

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember." 

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said. 

An older Arab gentleman rents an apartment in a high rise building.

A couple of weeks later his kids and grandkids are paying a visit.....

- How's everything in this new neighborhood ?

- Things are great, people have so much respect for each other here!

- Really? how so?

- There's an 89 year old surgeon on the first floor who has not performed a surgery in 19 years and everyone is referring to him as Doctor, on the 2nd floor there's a great musician and he's 92, he has not written any music in the past 30 years.....and people call him Maestro! and.........I haven't had sex in the past 25 years and everyone is calling me a Fucking Arab! Is this a great community or what? 

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that shit with me!" 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Viva La Fiesta!

 Viva La Fiesta!

Well another Fiasco (sic Fiesta) is underway.  It's not like the Fiestas of my childhood.  It was more wild then.  There was a carnival at the beach parking lot with rides (not this year).  We use to be able to buy a beer and walk along State Street from bar to bar (not this year).  There were stages put up on many of the town's cross streets with bands playing (not this year).  We had the largest equestrian parade in the US- we still do, but unfortunately after you've seen it once...that's enough.  We had Spanish dancing at the Old Mission and we still do for Pequena.  We had dancing and singing at the Courthouse sunken gardens and we still do.  We still have El Mercado in De La Guerra Plaza and we still do.  We had El Mercado Del Norte in McKenzie Park and we still do.  We had a children's parade on Milpas Street and we still do.  We had a rodeo at Earl Warren Showgrounds and we still do. We had Mariachi Bands all over the place and we still do.

We had about a thousand imported cops and we still do.  Some things never change, but we get tired of them....

Sure hope none of the tourists trip over our bulbouts, or get in an accident in our roundabouts, and definitely notices our fantastically beautiful brick-lined crosswalks.   Especially after they have been ripped-off by the local hotels and restaurants, ticketed by the local overzealous law-enforcement and panhandled by the local homeless....

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" 

"Chicken Soup for the Drinker"
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted
all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from
urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over
white wine.

The truth about dashes

Literacy in Louisiana How would you pronounce this child's name? She spells her name Le-a. So... how would YOU pronounce her name? Leah? No. LeeA? Nope. Lay-a? Not a chance. Lei? Nice but guess again! This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. She says it's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked how she came up with that, she said, "Cause the dash don't be silent!" So, if you see a name come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash. And if anyone axe you why, tell them it's "Cause the dash don't be silent!"

Train Ride

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Cant you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, Ive been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."  

Gake or Bras Pedal...

So apparently millions of dollars are going into research and development of a single pedal for gas and brake.  I can understand when you press the gas less, you MAY want to brake but what about coasting (like it is movement for free)?  What happens when I want to do an emergency brake ?  I would be pushing hard on the gas pedal (same one as the brake).  This whole project (to me) comes under the biggest waste of money and effort on something we just don't need!

Sadie and Yetta, two widows are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell ... I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock.  And like such a mensch he is dressed.
Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful
flowers you could die from.  Then he takes me downstairs, and
what's there but such a beautiful car ... a limousine, even,
uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner.  Marvelous dinner.  Lobster,
even.  Den ve go see a show ... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed
it so much I could have just die from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he
turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and
has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy!  Vey ... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Yetta: "No ... I'm just saying, vear an old dress."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm.  So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a C: prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great.  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No?  Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power...  A power failure?  Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
way - 'Take a clean dish."

Disney has priced me out as a visitor....

Today was a bear, but now that I'm over the hump the rest of the week looks okay...

Can you believe what it costs to go to Disneyland or DisneyWorld now ?   The prices just went up to $76 and $82 for a single park entry.  I know that they are in the business of making money, but when they refer to it as the "Happiest place on earth", are they the ones that are happy ?  Maybe when I win the Lotto...

So the court has struck down the same sex marriage ban.... Maybe what REALLY needs to be done is to define LEGALLY what marriage is.  I can understand a church having issues here, but not the legal system.  They need to define what it is LEGALLY....

Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and
recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following
story:

"Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about
to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question,
while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the
student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I
read the examination question:

"Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall
building with the aid of a barometer."

The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and
then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of
the rope is the height of the building."

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had
really answered the question completely and correctly! On the
other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute
to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in
physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student
six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the
answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five
minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give
up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just
thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him
and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off
his answer, which read:

"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the
edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a
stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the
height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He
conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving
my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that
he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they
were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the
height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For
example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and
measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow,
and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of
simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement
method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and
begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark
off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count
the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the
building in barometer units. A very direct method.

"Of course."

"If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the
barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and
determine the value of g [gravity! at the street level and at the
top of the building. From the difference between the two values
of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be
calculated." "On this same tack, you could take the barometer to
the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to
just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could
then calculate the height of the building by the period of the
precession". Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways
of solving the problem.

Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the
basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the
superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr.
Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the
height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'"

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did,
but said that he was fed up with high school and college
instructors trying to teach him how to think.

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked...'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' 

Murphy applied for an engineering position ...

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Well too bad. Here goes. Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I." 

True story

My daughter's parakeet flew out the window and up a nearby tree. Being the dilligent dad, I go over and climb up. I get up there and realize I don't have a way to get back down with the bird one-handedly, so I take off my shirt, wrap the bird up in it and drop it to my daughter. She catches him and we're all good.

Except I look to my left and there's a 14-ish girl in her 2nd story bedroom looking at me.

The record reflects that the gentleman who climbed the tree and then began removing his clothes before the young lady...

Implausable...Just Implausable!

Under the heading "Too Ridiculous For Words": Can you believe that the FBI is making a big stink about Wikipedia having an image of their seal on their website ?  Don't they have something better to do ?  Don't they have more important issues to spend money on ??  Are they complete nutcases ??

The Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "LOW BRIDGE AHEAD". Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Why ENGLISH is so hard to learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?  

The Wedding
Before Chelsea's wedding last Saturday...

Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.

She asked Chelsea... "have you had sex with Marc?"

Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"!

God's Waiting Room for only $25K

Today was a really busy day.  I did a lot and everything eventually fell in to place and worked, so it was very productive.


I noticed that they are investigating Amazon and Apple on price fixing of their e-books.  Why is it that they are getting noticed now ???


Lindsay Lohan got out of jail today after only two weeks.  I wonder (I really don't) if she learned anything.  Perhaps she couldn't wait to get out to go get a drink ??  Well, anyway, she's on her way to rehab- whatever that is for the "Rich and Famous".

Want to move to Florida ?  Want to buy a condo for less than a new car ??? Sorry, I think they'd have to pay me to take it.
 

The Female experience

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to
deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men
what takes us so long.
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl,
she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and
wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper
to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on
a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which
consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position
without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the
toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And
we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public
toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public
toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those
toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic
toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following
my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is
especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a
full-length feature film.

During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance.
You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke,
then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake,
even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd
still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in
which they flash the leading man's naked derriere.

So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until
that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about
ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the
bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a
half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there.

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also
crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get
closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is
occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those
stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of
her wallet.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't
latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook,
yank down your pants and assume The Stance.

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love
to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs
experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter
scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.
Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper
dispenser is empty.

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped
your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to
do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still
smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't
work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you
scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered
popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto
the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare
bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the
bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, even if you had enough time to. Your mother would
be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom
never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't
know what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to
a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such
force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked
by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a
Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate
the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still
waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long! as the
Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in
the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and
exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while
waiting for you.

"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick
him sharply in the shin and go home

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Opa!

Last night we went to see "Inception".  I have to admit that I was intrigued by the story, impressed by the special effects and the acting and the dialog.  Even the sound was of exceptional quality.  My only reservation is with the complexity of the script and being able to follow what and where the cast is and what they are doing and why.  I didn't understand the need for the final cliffhanger, though.  I definitely qualify the movie for awards consideration.

We went to the Greek Festival at Oak Park today and had our yearly gyro and baklava.  The food was great, as was the music.  No comment on the dancers.  Another year where they didn't serve Mythos beer. Mythos beer is a memory from our trip to Greece almost ten years ago.  It is unusual to see it anyplace that we've been in the states or Canada.

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Caught off guard, and shaken at his innocent little girl asking
such a question, he starts babbling about the birds and the
bees.

Then he looks at her bewildered expression and decides the best
option is to tell her the truth. He sits her down, and tells her
about conception, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about
puberty, menstruation and he thinks, 'what the hell,' and goes on
to tell her the works. He tells her about orgasms, masturbation,
and even shows her a picture of a penis and vagina.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub-topics and by the
time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this
sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex
for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of
secs..."

Italians
To all my Italian friends, and a few who are not - enjoy! ...and if you're from Brooklyn , New Joisey, or LonggggEyeland, you'll really appreciate this!

E y e -T a l i a n

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said
TO NY

You know you're Italian when . . . .You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your 20 mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyers are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9",
it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've heard someone called a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing."

Redneck on the road

This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.


"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

GM ...Money Wasted..

I don't have anything good to say about General Motors, and I probably have not ever said anything good about them.  I just cannot, for the life of me, figure out what is so wonderful about the Volt that it is going to save the American car industry.  Did I miss something, or does it sound expensive to you to pay $41000 for a car that I can't drive more than 40 miles without a re-charge?  Why would I (or anyone else) do that ?  Also, remember this, what does not come out of a Volt's tailpipe comes out of a smokestack somewhere.  That electricity to charge it up is more than likely from an electric generation plant that is burning coal.  So GM may save Detroit, but also remember, it is really because of the taxpayer dollars that we gave them....

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"

The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

You're a redneck if...

-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Fridaze....

I was wondering the other day how a four legged animal (such as a dog) walks over debris on the path without stepping on anything.  Having only two legs, I still look down to be sure that I don't step on anything.  How does the animal look out for his back legs ?  Does his back feet always land where his front were ?


Obviously it is Friday and my mind shut off last night...

Signs

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************  
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in. "
**************************
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
************************** 
At the Electric Company 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.  However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises 

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, " Ontario ".

"Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario too!"

"I know" the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to personally give you your $15,000 inheritance, sorry for your loss".

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer 

Over the past five years, millions of people have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research.

It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who will not remember what to do with them!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"  

Paradise Found...

It always feels better when the problem you have been fighting for two days turns out to be someone else's fault.   When the problem is finally fixed, we are all so glad.  I think I'll just go have a beer...


So it appears as though Breitbart cannot be held responsible for Sharrod's reputation or lost job, since apologies flew in all directions and she has been offered her job back.  She said that she is going to sue him though (and he deserves it), but I'm not quite sure what she could sue him for.

Money
It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering!

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!
Cash only please.

 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her

 trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found

shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally

unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the

local Target.

Dear Mrs. Wilson,


 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
 commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
 have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
 complaints against your husband, Mr. Wilson, are listed below
 and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
 in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off
 at 5-minute intervals.


 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
 leading to the women's restroom.


 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
 official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
 This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and
 receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
 with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
 costing the company money.


 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
 of M&Ms on layaway.


 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
 area.


 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
 the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
 pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which
 twenty children obliged.


 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
 began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
 alone?' EMTs were called.


 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
 used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
 department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
 loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
 through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
 speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
 THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


 And last, but not least_:
 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
 waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
 toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


 If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your
 property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your
 middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's
 already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothing' to
 lose!

How to tell where the driver is from:

•One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
•One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
•One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
•Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
•Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
•One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
•One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas male
•One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
•Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
•Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida. 

 

Daddy's little girl

The farm had been mortgaged to give their daughter a university education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her off the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Dad - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Mum and I made to give you a good university education, you still say 'ain't'!"

MMMon-ddday!!!

Today was a miserable excuse for a bad Monday.  I'm really trying to make the best of it, but there are still a few more hours.

Things that should work, did work, and always have worked have stopped working.  Nobody has any idea why....


Amazon sold out of Kindle today.  I am confused.  This isn't the best unit or the cheapest.  You can only buy from Amazon and you cannot gift someone else's Kindle.  The iPad is better, albeit more money, but better readers and more flexible ones are on the way.  Why is anybody buying these now?? (Did I miss something ?)

A  Committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein
have announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners
has been repealed, and the miners will, by recommendation of the
Committee, be placed back in the mine. The Senators noted the
following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without
concern for possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if
it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment
area for the water.

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue,
without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual
diversity of the rescue workers.

6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a
live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation
of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue
mentioned praying.

4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross
section of American society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given
sufficient time to make speeches at the site.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether
or not any Republican office holder owned stock in the coal
company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused
the mine to flood.

And Number 1: No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine
rescues.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed
back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water
will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be
undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct
manner", the Committee noted.

She's So Vane

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first.