Paradise Found...

It always feels better when the problem you have been fighting for two days turns out to be someone else's fault.   When the problem is finally fixed, we are all so glad.  I think I'll just go have a beer...


So it appears as though Breitbart cannot be held responsible for Sharrod's reputation or lost job, since apologies flew in all directions and she has been offered her job back.  She said that she is going to sue him though (and he deserves it), but I'm not quite sure what she could sue him for.

Money
It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering!

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!
Cash only please.

 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her

 trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found

shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally

unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the

local Target.

Dear Mrs. Wilson,


 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
 commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
 have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
 complaints against your husband, Mr. Wilson, are listed below
 and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
 in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off
 at 5-minute intervals.


 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
 leading to the women's restroom.


 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
 official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
 This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and
 receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
 with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
 costing the company money.


 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
 of M&Ms on layaway.


 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
 area.


 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
 the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
 pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which
 twenty children obliged.


 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
 began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
 alone?' EMTs were called.


 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
 used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
 department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
 loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
 through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
 speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
 THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


 And last, but not least_:
 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
 waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
 toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


 If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your
 property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your
 middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's
 already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothing' to
 lose!

How to tell where the driver is from:

•One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
•One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
•One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
•Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
•Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
•One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
•One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas male
•One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
•Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
•Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida. 

 

Daddy's little girl

The farm had been mortgaged to give their daughter a university education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her off the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Dad - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Mum and I made to give you a good university education, you still say 'ain't'!"

MMMon-ddday!!!

Today was a miserable excuse for a bad Monday.  I'm really trying to make the best of it, but there are still a few more hours.

Things that should work, did work, and always have worked have stopped working.  Nobody has any idea why....


Amazon sold out of Kindle today.  I am confused.  This isn't the best unit or the cheapest.  You can only buy from Amazon and you cannot gift someone else's Kindle.  The iPad is better, albeit more money, but better readers and more flexible ones are on the way.  Why is anybody buying these now?? (Did I miss something ?)

A  Committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein
have announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners
has been repealed, and the miners will, by recommendation of the
Committee, be placed back in the mine. The Senators noted the
following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without
concern for possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if
it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment
area for the water.

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue,
without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual
diversity of the rescue workers.

6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a
live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation
of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue
mentioned praying.

4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross
section of American society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given
sufficient time to make speeches at the site.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether
or not any Republican office holder owned stock in the coal
company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused
the mine to flood.

And Number 1: No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine
rescues.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed
back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water
will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be
undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct
manner", the Committee noted.

She's So Vane

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first.

Pickin' Away!

Isn't that utterly amazing about the guy that bought the old negatives from a garage sale in Fresno for $45 and they turn out out be the lost Ansel Adams negatives estimated at $200M in worth ?  I  would be very surprised if someone would pay that amount, though.  Even so, since there were sixty-five of them, even at $1M apiece!!!  


I'm going pickin'!

Addages...
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"


"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"


"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"


***Long Pause***




***Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says . . .




Swimming pool??



...Is this 555-7039??????"


No


Click............


And we thought our lives were bad :)

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down.

He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.

"But I'm Chinese!"

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.

"But that was an iceberg!"

"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Around age 10 my dad got me a really cool present ... one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

After a week or two simple targets got boring, so being the 10 yr.old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Cool! Keep in mind that I lived in an area that was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a water well.

Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I was making good progress and my aim was honestly quite good but even the flames weren't quite enough that day. As I was lighting up another arrow I looked over under the carport and saw a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). Yup, my trusty light bulb went off. 


I grabbed the can and started walking toward the smoking stump, but then thought . . .when I hit the can with the arrow it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. I could probably do better. Let's face it. . . to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, the ether really didn't seem like it was going to be all that flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for my dad's muzzle loader rifles). Yeah! Now we're talkin'!
Back outside, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? I knew you had to pack it tight to make an explosion, so I was still pretty safe. . . just a cool flash, right? On second thought, screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yup, I got the second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. OK. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2-stroke-gassed-up arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released the arrow from my bow I heard a clunk behind me. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH S##T!

He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Bull's eye! . right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. WOW!

The shock knocked me off my feet. Well, truthfully, I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just a reflex kick-back from 235 frickin' decibels of sound. Honestly, I think I only caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence, but I will tell you there was an instant cloud of dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like the earth moved 12 inches down and left all the dust, swarms of grasshoppers and spiders, and even a crawfish or two right where they had been sitting. Wow! Amazing! 


The shock knocked me off my feet. Well, truthfully, I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just a reflex kick-back from 235 frickin' decibels of sound. Honestly, I think I only caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence, but I will tell you there was an instant cloud of dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like the earth moved 12 inches down and left all the dust, swarms of grasshoppers and spiders, and even a crawfish or two right where they had been sitting. Wow! Amazing!

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a slow rolling mushroom cloud about that had climbed to about 2000ft above our backyard. There was a big sweetgum tree by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That hulk just gave up and fell over.

I was on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded. My dad was on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume was a Vietnam flashback - ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE, YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE, DAMMIT, CEASE FIRE!!!!!

I noticed that his hat had blown off and was lying 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. I also noticed, with a gut-wrenching feeling, that all the windows on the north side of the house had blown out. My Honda 185s 3-wheeler was parked near the site and now sat with its plastic fenders drooped down and touching the tires. Dang! I could even see the imprint of the tread into the plastic. .musta been hot, still smokin'. . .funny what you notice at times like that. 


I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. Truth is, I don't know even if I said something. I couldn't hear anything. . .even inside my own head. I don't think he would have heard me anyway... not that it really mattered. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, saw black, woke up, felt another sharp pain, blacked out, woke later...my mother told me later that I repeated this process for more than an hour. She also said she had to give me CPR and try to keep dad from continuing to get at me. Yeah, bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and took care of business.

Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality . . . either from the blast or the beating or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids outside more....into a good sport like archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Something they won't learn in school.

Top ten tips to know if you have PMS

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Hot Tub ...

Last night, my daughter's boyfriend Aidan, showed up with a copy of "Hot Tub Time Machine" and we proceeded to watch it.  I thought (frequently) that here was a good plot that was ruined by poor implementation and dialog.  The movie was funny- less funny than I would have expected, given that it is supposed to be riding "Hangover's" coat-tails.  IMHO the movie was wholeheartedly disappointing.  I'm glad I didn't pay to see it at the theater.

I'm still having difficulty dealing with my friend's health condition.  I'm not sure how to talk about it or be helpful.

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's an asshole ..."

Two married fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Alec.

"Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!"

Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Hard to get going this morning.  I guess what they say is true.  If you borrow sleep from the "bank", you have to pay it back eventually...


Friday night, I rented "Unthinkable" which was an amazing movie that unfortunately went directly to DVD.  It forced the viewer to think about many, many scenarios which are "unthinkable".  It also forced the cast of the movie to do things that were far beyond the law and American ideals, forcing them to be more like the terrorists we fight.  An unsettling but good movie.


Last night, we went to see "Salt".  I can say that I really enjoyed the movie and Angelina Jolie, but it left me with a desire and need for more from the plot.  The movie jumps into the middle of action without much background.  The audience is forced to put two and two together on their own, but frequently things did not add up to four.  I think that it deserves a sequel.  We have to know more of the main character and her background, and the reasons she does what she does.  The special effects and photography were well done.  We wanted to see more of the soft side of Angelina, but we were not allowed.  The plot twists are well hidden until they have to be revealed...


Just had a walk through Isla Vista and Devoureaux with Max and it was beautiful.  A light breeze was blowing over dark blue ocean and shiny breakers on the beach.

There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try
life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and
settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how
her son was doing in his new life.

"I'm fine," Angus said, "But there are some really strange people
living here in Australia. One woman cries all day long, another
lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who
bangs his head on the wall all the time."

"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't
associate with people like that."

"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Ma'am, I don't. No, I just stay
inside ma apartment all day and night, playing ma bagpipes."

Ruthie was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends
one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my
husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!"
she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time
to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a
wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished
it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted him and then watched in horror as he sat down to his
dinner. To her surprise, her husband really enjoyed his dinner.

"Ruthie, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty
years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, Ruthie made her
husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and
they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

Her bridge cronies came around to pay their respects and while
they were sitting around the kitchen table one of them said,

"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food
every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
drinking tea knowing you murdered your husband?"

Ruthie stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
mantel while he was licking his butt."

Four people in the carriage of a train

- an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."

Good morning!

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience.

Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly unaffected by its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.........

...... the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse off." 

 
Mother Superior called the nuns together and announced: "We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An old nun from the back of the room said: " Well, thank
God. I'm sick of Chardonnay". 

 

Life is too short...

Hearing from a very good friend recently has, once again, got me to thinking about my own vulnerability.  I was thinking about whether it is better to see your friends suffer or not to live long enough for that to happen...how depressing.  We are not here forever, but I thought less than forever was longer.....

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop
asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry
officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the
glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this
car in a car jacking. I killed the woman that owns the car and
stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove
compartment.

At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight
and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he
walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the
guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid
with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's
in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and
opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the
guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.
The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had
told him.

The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!

Signs Can Be Funny Too

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Facts about Men

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Aerospace Industry

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.

The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."

The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:

(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"

The Greeter...

The Urban Dictionary carries this definition for a Wal-mart Greeter:

Usually someone of lesser intelligence or of a mentally impaired category. Top choices of wal-mart greeters are usually those with down syndrome, saggy balls, vaginal geriatric bat disease, or work release programs. Typically found at the entrance of wal-marts, and sometimes packing a roll of different colored stickers in which they approach you as if to molest you and whatever item you are carrying and at the last moment... hand extended... a round sticker of random color is stuck on the item you are holding... assaulting it... and labeling it a return or previously paid for item.... running from the wal-mart greeter is usually followed by people with walkie- talkies running after you....

I don't really know of a given example of wal-mart greeter grab a simple roll of already opened toilet paper and walk into any wal-mart.... you'll see one of the above... stalking you like a jilted speed dater on a rape quest. Blind people can even sense a wal-mart greeter by the constant sniffling of runny snot... and the faint odor of cottage cheese.

The wal-mart greeter at our store dripped snot on a radio I was returning and stuck a rainbow of stickers on my 3 yr old. When I tried to walk to the return desk "Bubba" followed my 3 yr old who was crying and asked if she "wanta to see my pokemon pee pee?" I have a lawsuit pending.

Amazing!


The latest in beer is $765 per bottle and it is bottled in roadkill!

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Mexican.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head.
There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is
the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian. "Hmm ... let me
see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever
happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man."It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring
da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat
the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day
my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the batrum, but
before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had alreydi shit in my pants!"
Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart …. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?…….. Do you really think they look alike?”
“No,” replies the greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”

Cajun Confession  
A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."

Thoughts on Aging
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

How They Can Solve Three Problems at Once
Here is how to do it:

First, Dig a moat the length of the Mexican Border.
Then take the dirt from the moat and use it to raise the levees in New Orleans.
Then put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Poof! Immigration problems are solved, you have levees that will withstand anything, and little children in Florida won't be gator lunch any more.

Now... any other problems you want me to solve?

Dear Hints to Heloise:

I am writing to say what an excellent product I have found Tide to be! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I continue to be amazed at the effectiveness of this wonderful cleaner.

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! So I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Next week when I have time to write, I have some nice things to say about the Hefty bag product as well. 

Community Property
The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "THE TEETH." 

What a morning...

The alarm beeped and after a few minutes, I stumbled out of bed.  I gathered my clothes and shaved with one eye open.  I started the shower running to heat up the water.  I stepped in and it was though I drew my first breath of the morning.  Exhaling was nirvana provoking. I didn't move for what seemed like hours, as the warm water beat on my back and then my head.  The need to replace the sleep that had been cheated from my body and conscientiousness was only slightly lessened by last night's rest.  I'm beat and close to burnout.  

The coffee machine hummed, spit and whirred.  Soon my morning elixir would be hot and available. Max what whining to get out.  I let him out of his confining crate and then the back door.  In spite of his expressed need, he circled the lawn and a few of the shrubs for what seemed like minutes before relieving himself and returning into the kitchen.  He headed for his dish to see if I had gotten there yet with his morning food.  The coffee machine finally became quiet.  I poured myself a cup of provocation. The first swallow was truly enlightening, stirring up my energies and giving me the feelings of a cartoon character running in place before zipping away.  Why do cartoon characters often run in place for three seconds before they take off? Sometimes, that lolly gag gets them caught! 


Grabbed the recycling and a can of cat food and headed first to the laundry room (aka cat's overnight lair), fed her and headed to the bins outside.  When I came back into the house, I made Terre's lunch, packed with a fresh and clean napkin and delivered to her bedroom door.  Back to the kitchen to fetch a cup of sanity and sentience for Terre.  Delivering it, I announced that it was time to get up, shook her leg through the blankets and announced it again.


Would the paper be there yet ?  I gingerly opened the front door, shut off the porch lights, and meandered to the driveway, quickly wondering whether the paper guy(?) tossed it under the truck or in a more retrievable location this morning.  There it lied, next to the truck.  As I bent down to pick it up, I heard neighbors in their driveway, oblivious that I was witnessing their disregard for sleepers in the area by their loud recourse.


Back in the kitchen, my coffee (the morning's BFF), breakfast cereal and the paper.  I devoured them and then brushed my teeth and began my morning two mile commute to work.  The day has begun....



Unfortunately, it didn't get much better....

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your shit while you're in the shower.

Randy the rooster

There was a chicken farmer and he had 200 hens. The farmer wanted to have some chicks so he went to the other chicken farmer down the road to buy a rooster.

The farmer asked the other chicken farmer if he had a few roosters to service his 200 chickens.

The farmer was surprised when the salesman said he had one rooster that would service all the chickens and his name was randy the rooster.

The farmer paid a great deal for randy the rooster and went on his way.

When they arrived back at the farm the farmer gave randy a quick pep talk.

"Now Randy there's 200 hens that need your services so I want you to pace yourself and steady goes it. I don't want you to hurt yourself cuz you are an expensive lil shit." Said the farmer

Randy the rooster was off like a shot. He nailed all 200 hens, he humped the piss outta em, 3-4 times a piece.

Then Randy the rooster raced to the pond. He tapped the geese, then he flew down to the creek and raped the ducks.

As soon as he was done there he raced back to the barn and up in the rafters where he fucked the pigeons.

The farmer was really amazed at his new rooster but went to bed.

The next morning the farmer looked out and say randy the rooster lying in the yard. He was as stiff as his dick the day before.

When the farmer went outside where the buzzards were circling above. He was very bummed to loose such a colorful animal.

as he was crying when randy opened an eye and said "shhh they're getting closer."

How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station??

Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

Abnormal behavior...

Harley-Davidson is considering a sacrilegious move out of Wisconsin.  Is it that they like it better somewhere else ? Not really, but the unions are driving them out with their demands.  Let's see, job with less benefits and pay versus no job.  That is a hard decision.   I can't blame them at all.  GM had to go bankrupt to get out from under union labor.  It's really well overdue to consider the consequences of doing business the same way you have been for the last umpteen years.  The unions have got to wake up.  It is REALLY their fault that we have so much outsourcing today that industries are dying off in the US.


Be careful what you say to a stewardess on your flight.  It may be misconstrued and she's not taking any chances.  This guy was escorted off the plane when he asked if there was a meal being served!  Perhaps we are all getting too "terror" sensitive!!!

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.  He stopped
in front of the holy water, splashed some on each leg, and then
threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to
tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me
where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

23 Essential Truths

1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Comments Overheard in 1957
The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6)"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
(8)"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

Grandpa's Poem

I finally met the perfect girl
I couldn't ask for more
She's blind and deaf and dumb as a rock
And owns a liquor store

Shakespalin ?

Give me a break!  Sarah Palin is likening herself to Shakespeare because she mis-used a word.  She claims that she is inventing a new one!

I understand that Levi has come forth to marry Bristol again.  This time it comes with a promise not to live with mom!

Post your Shakespalin here.... Facebook

So the latest in smuggling is monkeys.  This idiot tried to smuggle eighteen monkeys under his shirt!  I can only imagine that he had trouble being still, and his shirt probably wiggled a lot.  What about the monkey sounds ??  How stupid (duh...) do you have to be to think that you'd get away with it ??

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an
emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found
the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had
been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found
the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a
double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife
in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot
himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going
to say 'it could have been worse.'"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the
house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be
worse. You're on."

About that time, the sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into
the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the
living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his
side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was
a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his
wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot
himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff,
how could it have been worse? There are three people in this
farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been
worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff replied. "You see that guy there on
the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in
there in that bed!"

On the border of Russia and Poland there's a small forest. Half
of the forest belongs to a Russian farmer, while the other half
belongs to a Polish man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Russian man comes
across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and
calls his Polish neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the
forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Polish farmer

asked.

"Well," the Russian replied, "he's already chewed off three of
his legs and he's still trapped."

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate.

Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Motto for today....pick one....

Carpe Diem - Seize the day
Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
Carpin Denium - There's a fish in my pants
Carpe Ovum - Seize the egg
Cave Canem - Beware of the dog