Slowin' Down Sunday....

Great reading by James Carville regarding the pollution of Louisiana: OIL   
   

Bit o' tid:  Isn't it interesting how Toyota and it's ills have gone almost completely off the new radar ?  Did it ever get fixed ?  Did they tell us what the problem was ?  Did the dealers upload the firmware fix to the computers of all the recalled-for-gas pedal or floormat fixes ?  Were they ever fined or just slapped on the hand ?

  

My Boss

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3:45 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here.. Can you make this
thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need two copies."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing. 

The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Political Science Explained

Dictatorship In Theory: The biggest bully is in charge. He gets a steak, his lackies get a hamburger, you get a potato.
Dictatorship in Practice: The biggest bully is in charge. He gets steak, kills a lacky and gets a hamburger, and kills you to get a potato. His lackies get a hamburger and kill you to get a potato. You are lucky to escape with your life much less a potato.
 
Communism in Theory: Everybody gets a hamburger.
Communism in Practice: Whoever is in charge gets a steak, his lackies get a hamburger, and you get in line for a potato.
 
Conservatism in Theory: Steak is the product of traditional values. 
Conservatism in practice: Steak is the product of lying through your teeth. Believers get potatos.
 
Democracy in Theory: The majority votes for man who will help them get a steak.
Democracy in Practice: Vote for man who promises you a steak, gives you a potato, and calls it a hamburger.
 
Imperialism in Theory and Practice: Weaker nations thriving on potatos must be overthrown so that they may know the virtue and superiority of steak.
 
Fascism in Theory: Weaker nations supply the fatherland with steak! The fatherland will expand! We shall all eat steak!
Fascism in Practice: The man in charge gets a steak. His lackies get a steak. If you work hard enough and keep your mouth shut, you get a potato.
 
Monarchy in Theory: The King is ordained by God to get a steak, all loyal servants get a hamburger.
Monarchy in Practice: One family shares a potato so the King and all his lackies can get a steak.
 
Socialism in Theory: Everybody gets a hamburger.
Socialism in Practice: Everybody gets a hamburger whether they want it or not.
 
Theocracy in Theory: Whether you get a steak, hamburger, or potato is the will of God.
Theocracy in pracice: You die, killing several others, with an explosive potato strapped to your chest.
 
Capitalism in Theory: Get a potato, hamburger, or steak, depending on how hard you work.
Capitalism in practice: Give your hard earned steak to a man who already has a steak so you can get the latest iPotato.

   
You Might Be a Redneck IF
*  you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
*  you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
*  your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
*  you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
*  you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
*  that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
*  your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
*  you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
*  you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
*  your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
*  you've got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
*  you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
*  taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
*  you've got more than one other named “Darryl”.
*  you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
*  on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
*  you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
*  your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
*  your child's first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
*  your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
*  your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
*  you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
*  you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
*  you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
*  you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
*  you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
*  you've ever valet parked a snow plow.
*  you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
*  you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
*  you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
*  you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
*  there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
*  you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
*  the strongest smell in your house is butane.
*  you think paprika is a Third World country.
*  you ask the preacher, “How's it hanging?”
*  you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
*  you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother's an honor student” at the local junior high.
*  you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
*  you played the banjo in your high school band.
*  the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
*  your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
*  your tires are worth more than your truck.
*  you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.
*  your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stuckey's napkin.
*  you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
*  you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
*  you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
*  you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
*  Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
*  you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
*  you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
*  people don't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
*  your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
*  you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.
*  you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
*  you're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.
*  you've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
*  the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
*  your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.  

Comfy and Cozy in a Hammock...

Poker was great last night, and it is true you know;  winning gets boring.  I did not have that problem, though.  For the most part, I held my own much of the evening, but my funds dipped later on.  Bottom line, I played all night and ended $9.50 in the hole.  Much fun though. 

The rest of my day was consumed with shopping and other unexciting chores.  Not that I'm dissapointed, but I feel like I gotta go somewhere, like this:

...... and then do nothing!  I sure hope that "my boat" comes in soon....

'Involuntary Muscular Contractions'

A professor at University of Minnesota, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist

opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it. 

Good news! BP has stopped the oil leak!

They put a giant wedding band around the well and all of a sudden it quit putting out!!!

A Florida senior citizen

drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

Weekend at last....

Boy I just couldn't wait for Friday to get here, and tonight is poker night.  Poker is like fishing: it is great to win (catch something), but that isn't the main goal! 

You heard it first here:  The real progress on plugging and cleaning up the Gulf oil spill will be when first it reaches the East Coast, and second when it reaches the British Isles.....


Read a very interesting article in the Independent today.  Here is the link The Marie.

Saw a Billboard that said:

"Need Help, Call Jesus"
1-800-005-3787
 
...so out of curiosity I did

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck. 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing...
You should see the back of mine!"

Spitting in the Shoes
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just
before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the
aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do
not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.) "No
problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone
the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That
looks good. Think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew obligingly
goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the
other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy
the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How
long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples ...this hatred...your spitting in my shoes and me
pissing in your Coke?"

The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items

16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15. The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder
14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13. Lee Press-On Nails
12. Approximo Knives
11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10. "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8. Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5. Nine Inch Tacks
4. Monkey Wenches
3. "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
1. The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit

Cowboy Wisdom

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.

Mournbook ?

Newsflash: The Hong Kong government now offers the next (logical ?) step in cemeteries: a virtual cemetery. This is also the next step (if there is one) in social networking. The website enables users to pay tribute to dead relatives and friends by creating an online memorial page with pictures and messages. You can send virtual flowers and offerings to comfort the dead in their afterlife, such as virtual chickens, fruit, roast suckling pig and paper money.

The website, memorial.gov.hk, has been set up to help people pay tribute to their loved ones “anytime and anywhere online in a warm, personalized yet solemn manner.” and, of course, this gets shared by anyone that visits the site. It will only allow memorials for Hong Kong residents on record of having been cremated at public crematoriums or buried at public cemeteries to guard against pranksters creating bogus pages. A government spokesman said the free service had been created to meet the needs of modern society and to promote sustainable forms of mourning and burial.

Used to be that what you felt and expressed at a grave site was private. Now it would get shared. It becomes a social networking website. I would bet that bad feelings and even fights could be generated by family members that wanted to express how they REALLY felt about the deceased.

So you visit a dead relative's website memorial and catch a virus on your computer. Do you assume that the virus is an embodiment of your dead relative's spirit and to remove it, if you desire, do you need more than a virus remover, say a virtual priest to perform an exorcism ??

Where to live after Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where..... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is 'nature'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where..
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. 

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C ' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. 

Avocados

In Portuguese, a lawyer is called advogado; in French a lawyer is called avocat; and in Italian, a lawyer is called avvocato. All three language appear to compare lawyers to avocados, because both the fruit and lawyers have hearts of stone.

  

Song time

HEY DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD SONG BY ...JONNY HORTON...THE BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS?...


Well in 2010 we took a lil trip
down to Arizona cause the Illegals were talking lip.

We grabbed All our guns... and put our Huntin packs on
and we met the damn Illegals in the town of ol Tucson.

We fired our guns but the Illegals kept a commin ,,,,,there wasn’t as many as there was a while ago
We fired once more and they began to running ,Down the Santa Cruz to that shit hole Mexico
Well they ran through the cactus and they ran through the stickers ....they ran through places a coyote couldn't go
they ran so fast Immigration couldn’t catch um...Down the Santa Cruz to that shit hole Mexico.

WE looked towards the South and watched Illegals come... there must of been a thousand of um throwing all there scum
They stomped all the trails ... and they left their trash behind
now it looks like a shit hole... when it used to be sublime.

WE fired our guns and the Illegals kept a coming,... there wasn’t as many as there was awhile ago
we fired once more and they begin to running,... cross the Rio Grande to that shit hole Mexico.

They crawl in at night and they sleep on the ground,,,then thay leave in the morning and they burn the mountain down
Id like to catch um once and kick some fucking ass... we dont want um, and thay can keep their grass.

Well we fired our guns and the Illegals kept a coming,,, there wasn’t as many as there was awhile ago.
we fired once more and they begin to running ... down the Santa Cruz to the shit hole Mexico.

We ran um ALL off now our streets are safe and sound,,, we can even let our kids back on the play ground
we built up a wall so to not let um back,, NOW come back again and you’ll be leaving in a sack.

We all want to thank the town of Tucson,, now were all doing just great cause the Illegals are gone.
We don’t see low riders or any brown clowns,, cause all the circus music has been run out of town.

WE fired our guns and the Illegals kept a coming,, there wasn’t as many as there was a while ago
we fired once more and they begin to running,, down the Santa Cruz back to their shit hole Mexico.

NEWSFLASHES...

NEWSFLASH:  AT&T is not making enough money!   Having to cough up much investment in infrastructure to support their monopolistic control over the iPhone (largest of the data hogs), now they have decided to back the subscribers into a corner by restructuring the charges for data usage into a tiered system.  It is as though they want to encourage you not to use the iPhone as much as you may have already.  So when current contracts run out or when new ones (as for the new iPhone 4), subscribers will pay though the nose for data usage habits that they've become accustomed to when data charges were still high, but for unlimited usage.  Still another reason to dump AT&T and choose another carrier.  It is really too bad that Apple did not open up the iPhone to all carriers.

NEWSFLASH2: Obama says that white people don't like angry black men, so he's looking for an "ass to kick" over the Gulf crisis.  The REAL culprit here is congress, the previous administration (which was certainly in bed with big oil), the Bureau of Mineral Management (more graft here), and finally the oil companies (particularly BP).  So what is it that I REALLY don't understand ?  Why has BP upwards of 300 times as many safety violations as the other oil companies, AND we still let them do business in our economic sphere ?  Who was REALLY asleep during this one ?  What certainly hurts, though, is rolling a few heads won't fix the damage that has been done- not even the damage that we know about!

Guys are helpful-

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

 I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my girl friend and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

 The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your girl look like?"

 I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

 Most of us old guys are helpful like that.    

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded
them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting
rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath
to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone, and one says to the other:

"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up
to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."




THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female definition: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male definition: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with The lads.

BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
Girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat. 
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. 
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! 
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum! 
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. 
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair. 
10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. 11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me. 
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop. 
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids. 
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Bubba Pump....

These are funny, but the reason that caused them to be created is WAY not:

  

All I can think of to say that this is part of a side of our culture that I'm not really fond of.  Are these considered political cartoons or commentary ?  Are these created by the same people that rush to disasters just to sell t-shirts with local picture on them ?

Monday Blues...

I didn't want to get up this morning, and by later on, I was almost sorry I did.
 
FLASH: I just heard that Joran van der Sloot's father recently passed away from a heart attack.  Not that I feel sorry for Joren in any fashion whatsoever, but now he has absolutely nobody in his corner.  


An unusual day today, as it is very slow going.  Requirements are not ready or adequate to keep working in the direction we have been.  It will be tough to keep busy today, and possibly until Wednesday....

FLASH 2: A funeral home in South Carolina has been shut down after admitting that they cut the legs off of a 6' 7" man so that he would fit into his casket. The funeral home said, "In our defense, we tried it first with holes cut for the feet to stick out, but that just looked ridiculous".

FLASH 3: According to Peru's Environment Ministry, over 12 million cubic meters of raw sewage are dumped into Lake Titicaca every year. When asked about it, America's junior high school students all agreed that they when they first heard of this place, they had always hoped that the lake was full of titties... 

FLASH 4: Something in the economy has to break loose (besides the gusher in the Gulf).  I just heard today that because we haven't been building new homes, and many of the foreclosed ones have been torn down, we very-well could be facing a housing shortage in the near future.  What that means (thank goodness) is that existing homes should go up in value!

Hoo ray...

Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying.
On his deathbed, he looked up and said,
"Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.
Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
So Abe sits up and yells,
"THEN WHY IS THE LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?!?"

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

A guy was looking at the classified ads in Florida and saw an ad that says “Talking Dog $20.” So he goes to the house listed in the ad and asks the owner what the deal was with the talking dog.  The owner said he was in the back bedroom.   Sitting on a bed with a tv remote in hand, the dog looks up and says, “Hey, how you doing?”
The guy is flabbergasted, “You’re really a talking dog! What heck are you doing here in Florida?”
“Well,” the dog says, “let me tell you.”
“I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and helped save people who were buried in the debris. Then I was in the Gulf War for a while bringing medicine to injured soldiers. Then I helped sniff for terrorist bombs at the JFK. Then I was on Broadway in Riverdance. Then I helped patrol the border and sniff out drug runners before my partner got shot. It all just got to be too much.  So I retired down here.”
The guy goes out into the other room and says, “This is amazing. How can you sell a dog like that for only twenty dollars?”
The owner replies loud enough for the dog in the other room to hear, “Cause he’s a BIG LIAR!”

Palin Rings True...

"There's nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives."
Sarah Palin, writing on her Facebook page, saying environmentalists are responsible for the oil spill because they keep oil drilling away from safer places to drill.

There is a joke if I ever heard one. Do you ever remember looking at an expensive piece of modern art and saying "I could do that, easily, and make a lot of money." ?  After all it is just spattering paint on a canvas and has no real rhyme or reason or resemblance to anything short of what you can conjure up in your mind's eye. Somehow I feel that Sarah Palin is that same category. How ridiculous can you get, and still run for vice president and author a book and convince people, many people, to pay to hear you speak.  Come on now, all we have here is an Alaskan box-of-hair.  I REALLY expected her to just disappear from the media after that barely-an-election.  If this was the best that the Republicans can drum up, they are REALLY in trouble.  Meanwhile, it still appears as though she is their BEST (?) hope (I don't know what for though).  I suppose her quote could be likened to Global Warming being the result of protecting the Spotted Owl.  The location of where oil exists really has absolutely nothing to do with the safety at which we attempt to extract it.  Granted, if the well was on shore, it would be easier to deal with, but all the more reason to build more safety mechanisms and oversight into the difficult ones.

    

"The government will be requiring new food labels that are more
specific. Products will now be labeled 'no fat,' low fat,
'reduced fat,' and 'fat, but great personality'"
 - Michael Feldman

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that damned nun out there again!"

Summer Classes for Women at Loyalist College
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, 4 June, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support
and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS -
USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials!
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking
across the campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as
big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
'What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!'
The priest said, 'Hey, here comes the
green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hi George, what's the matter that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes, that's
a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group was silent for a moment. Then
the priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for
them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play
at night?'
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he
was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, 'Hey, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'You are in a
hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between
40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you
know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist,' everything
you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be
a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how
did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know
where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil
Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people ... believe that if it isn't
broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken,
it doesn't have enough features yet.
  
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
One day, an engineer was crossing a road
when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess'.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put
it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
 The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want.'
Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look. I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

The history of Anesthesia:
2000 B.C. - "Here, take this hammer."
1000 B.C. - "That hammer is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this inhalation"
2000 A.D. - "That inhalation is artificial. Show me your back".
2025 A.D. - "Here, take this hammer".

Facebook downfall....

I just heard that someone has a class-action suit against Facebook for privacy issues.  It seems that if anyone clicks on an ad while logged into their account, Facebook sends them a header with enough information to get back to your page AND login.  At that point, ALL the information on your page is available to them, no matter what your privacy issues are set to. 

What I don't understand is why would people put things on their page that their privacy settings would keep people from seeing ?  What good is it ?  Do I need another time sink not that broadcast TV is so bad that I won't just watch whatever is on ???


I look at is a much different way: I think Facebook is an affront to my private time.  Everyone wants to be my friend- even people I don't know.  DO I really want to commit that much time to broadcasting every detail of my existence to umpteen people that have nothing better to do ?  Gimme a break, I mean, GIMME a break.  I got an account so I can see my daughter's page and protect her from revealing too much.  Any more time that they want me to devote to my "friends" is just way over the top as far as I'm concerned.

How many more incidents of privacy lapses or identity theft will it take before we figure out that keeping something private means NOT telling anyone? 




Last night we watched "Alice in Wonderland".  We were pleasantly surprised that it was better than expected.  Unfortunately, it was "quite" obvious as to what was missing or wrong with the movie.  It really could have been SO much better with so little change.

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for
water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all
the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"


The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

Paddy & Murphy worked together

and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Paddy said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him seventy-five pounds a week employment pay.

Murphy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Murphy one hundred and fifty pounds a week.

When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Murphy puts them over his head and says, 'yah, diesel fitter.'"

Things to Remember
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only
live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the
future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the
past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to
do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really
tried them.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it
wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide
us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a
persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider
dating outside the family.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when
Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll
learn him.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too,
and I find it more personal and sincere.

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PUT ON YOUR JOB RESUME.
1. Your high school class voted you "Most Likely to be Found on a Tower with a Rifle."
2. You have a degree as a dietitian from the Hannible Lecter School of Medicine.
3. ANY details about your job experience in continuity assurance and quality control at a hog breeding facility.
4. Any student organizations you belonged to that have the words Satan, Armageddon, or beastiality in their titles.
5. You were fired from your last job for committing an unnatural act with the entire sales department.
6. You were fired from your last job for making obscene telephone calls to Barney from a company phone.
7. You were fired from your last job for attempting a hostile takeover involving the 81st. Airborne.
8. You filed a discrimination suit against your last employer because of their policy against employees wearing crotchless business suits, and won.
9. You quit your last job after your boss rejected your suggestion for staging public floggings of late employees.
10. Your hobbies include taking massive quantities of hallucinogens and then working on your chainsaw collection.

It is really good that it's Friday, because I'm really ready....

I am really disturbed today: 1) I spoke to my barber who lives in Carpinteria and he said that he voted (absentee, of course) to allow oil drilling on the bluffs.  He said that the city and the schools need the money.  He also said that most Carpinterians feel the same way. 2) I heard on the radio this morning that BP had successfully began pumping oil up to a ship.  What is their goal, saving the oil or saving the environment ?  I have the distinct impression that saving the oil is more important to them.  3) Apparently, van der Sloot was captured, and Aruba is doing nothing.  Someone in the US contacted him to pay $250,000 for the location of Natalee Holloway's body.  A down payment of $15k was made to a bank in the Netherlands.  Why did we wait so long to try this ?  Why isn't Aruba doing anything ?  The GOOD thing here is that he will never get out of Peru's prisons.  He has no rights in Peru and there are no extradition agreements with the Netherlands.

The sign reads:

       WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
       WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS
         THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business
in Philadelphia. Most would be outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement...

One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country
would be marching on this business and that the National Guard
might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back...

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let
the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who
hold Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty and after
all it is just a sign...

You may be asking what business would dare post such a sign?

 .........Goldberg's Funeral Home!

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon




"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno  

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"What they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman

"There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it." –David Letterman

"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman

"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do the underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, this is a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —David Letterman

"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher

"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet overflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." —David Letterman

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno

"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." —David Letterman

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico

"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." —Bill Maher

"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman

"Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps." —David Letterman