I day-dreamed for a dog's life today...

Nice to see my daughter for the weekend- maybe for thirty minutes other than the drive back to Oxy.  Who did she REALLY come home to see ?

Watched "The Blind Side" last night.   I liked it, even though it was a feel good movie- it is a true story.  Sandra Bullock was very good (looks great as a blond). I liked her in that kind of role.  Was it a "Best Actress" performance ?  I couldn't say, since the Academy Awards are political awards.  So if the politics were right....

 

One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
 

 
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire
as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night,

Mildred was admitted to the hospital

with a gunshot wound to her knee....

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some "Nair."
At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week".

Paradigm-itis!

Are paradigms shifting in general or as I age, is my paradigm shifting, or both ?   Used to be that gas stations were "service" stations and you went there for more than gas.  Used to be that there were do-it-yourself auto supplies sold everywhere as many people did their own car maintenance.  Maybe you found a good mechanic that you could trust, or maybe you took your car to the dealer while the car was on the warranty, and then it became easier to just continue.  I used to go to a butcher for meat, and market for all the rest.  Now I go to Costco for meat and a market for all the rest. (Hard to find a butcher or mechanic...or a "service" station.)

Why has someone else decided that we should all shift our paradigms ?  If we were still buying cassette tapes or CDs for music, isn't that profitable enough?  Why do we always have to switch to some new technology which switches out paradigm.  Is it always better ?  Do I really need 3-D TV at home ?  Do I really need to read books on a reader ?  Is iPad going to force the paradigm away from printed media in favor of electronic media ?  Why is this better ?  While I'm laying in a hammock with the latest novel on my iPad, will I be tempted away to visit my email or play the latest game ?  Must every moment of my conscious existence be dealing with a data stream fed from a "firehose" ?  How do I relax anymore ?  Even "getting away" isn't totally, anymore.  When I go for a drive, I just want to hear the purr of the engine- not the ring of my cell phone or the whir of a hybrid.  Where is "fun" anymore ? 


So I'm reading about Goldman-Sachs in the paper today and wondering how this whole scheme is allowed.  We are all aware that gambling is illegal  in the U.S. (except on Indian lands and in Nevada and other minor exceptions, but generally it is illegal).  When a person buys stock, the gamble here is that the value of the stock will increase and then it can be sold at a profit.  That I can understand.  What I don't understand is why I can legally buy "shorts" at a particular value and  bet that the stock (or investment vehicle) will go down (i.e. fail), and then I make a profit.  It doesn't seem logical that I can make money on something that failed.  


Perhaps, at a racetrack, I could buy a "short" on a horse and win if the horse doesn't ?  This is all very confusing and somehow doesn't SOUND legal, but apparently it is.  The only thing that I can't do is sell stock to another investor and tell him that it is a wonderful investment, but behind his back (because I know it is a bad investment), buy a short on it.  This way, I profit from the sale AND I profit when the purchase fails.  No wonder I'm always making a profit, but with a lack of integrity.

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for
new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new
suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were
not black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black. We
need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the
darkest black cloth there is."

Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this
cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In
all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there
is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nuns' habits from. It
is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"

A few weeks later the two Hassidim were walking down the street
in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, Yacov
went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up
against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something
to his friend and they both walked on.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied, "he looked at my garment, said
something in Latin, and left."

"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"

He said, "Marcus Pincus Fuctus".

Two five year old boys

are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Aaaaat Last..........

As usual, I came away from Fringe last night with more questions than answers.  For example, if Walter has the answer to how to make time travel work, why didn't he go back in time to save his dying son, instead of jumping to an alternate reality and stealing his son's alter ego ?  Still a great show, and who knows, that may get explained in four or five more episodes.


Tori is taking the Amtrak back home tonight.  Hopefully, this is a good experience.

  

On Palm Sunday the family's 6 year old son

had to stay home due to strep throat. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.

His mother explained,"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it, "the boy fumed. "The one sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

 

Sure fire pick up lines from Bubba & Cooter

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines", brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!

1) Did you fart?>
Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help
me find him? I think he went inta this cheap
motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

OLDER SOLDIERS

I'm over 50 now (well over) and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission.

"My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?" 

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink.

An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old goats with attitudes. 

Pilot Wisdom
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB, Japan.)

You've never been lost, until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. ---From an old carrier sailor

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", and "Where are we?"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)



A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules. Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
 

Fringe Night!

Today went by fast as well.  Maybe it is part of getting older to be less aware of your surroundings which tend to give you the feeling that time is moving faster.


I really enjoyed the (RAIN) show last night.  There are a few tunes that I haven't hear for a long time, that are now buried in my head- and I seem to hear them over and over.  I guess good music and lyrics will always be good.  The Beatles' music has stood the test of time, as over the last 40+ years, most of their songs still sound fresh.


Tori is coming home this Friday for the weekend.  I'm looking forward to it.  Soon (May 7), she'll be out of school for the summer.  Being away from home has taken its toll on the whole family.  It will be good for all to have her home for the long summer vacation.  Unfortunately, it will most likely just zip by.

Max was limping yesterday.  It was gone this afternoon.  We haven't figured out the problem yet.  No thorn in his paw.  No bee-stings.  He's pretty closed-mouth on the subject...... 

Fringe (Click!) is on TV tonight.  I hope you are all following it, so that you are aware when your friends jump to an alternate reality in an adjacent dimension - and leave you behind!

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a
new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too
old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1965."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy, from Domino's. 

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," the man said.
The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied, "The light was on." 

Just pushing over that hump...

A much better day today but it went by way too fast.  Isn't it bizarre about all the earthquakes we are having.  I guess the melting ice is having a different effect than we expect (given that they are related).

Going to "Rain" (Click!) tonight.  It is supposed to be a retrospective of the Beatles.  We hear that it is good.

It was very good.  It was hard to sit still.  They not only sounded like the Beatles, but dressed like them, with wigs, mustaches and beards.  The show gets you into the '60s with some video news, commercials and actual footage.  There were many famous photographs that were doctored to show Rain instead of the Fab Four.  -Very worth while.

Kid Survivers of the old days

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!  

Iraqi TV Guide

SUNDAY:
0800 - My 33 Sons
0830 - Osama Knows Best
0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:
0800 - Husseinfeld
0900 - Mad About Everything
0930 - Monday Night Stoning
1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
1030 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
0800 - Wheel of Terror
0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
0900 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
0930 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
1000 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAY:
0800 - Beat the Press
0830 - When Kurds Attack
0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
1000 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:
0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
0930 - Married with 139 Children
1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
0800 - Judge Saddam
0830 - Suddenly Sanctions
0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
0930 - Cave and Garden Television
1000 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY:
0800 - Spongebob Squareturban
0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900 - Teletalibans
0930 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
1000 - Survival - Baghdad

A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."

"Who said that?" the man called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

"Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin' about cars."

Hoping tomorrow is a better day...

Not much to say today, as I have been really busy at work.  At home I am starting to catalog my coin collection (lot's of work).  

I heard today that Consumer Reports issued a "don't Buy" for a Lexus SUV.  That is a really hard review to attain.  Apparently they think it is too dangerous to drive.  Toyota agrees with them and has pulled off the market.  Don't they test their cars at all anymore ???

5 Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you"
 - Adam Christing

New Euro Language in the works
"The European Union commissioners have announced that an
agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred
language for European communications, rather than German, which
was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as
EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this
klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make
words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the
languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey
vunted in ze forst place. Sieg Heil!"

Movin' Right Along....

Sorry, no entry yesterday as I didn't have time.  We took off early for breakfast at the Cajun Kitchen, then off to Hollywood for a hike through Runyan Canyon Dog Park with Max.  We met Tori and Brett here as well.  Then we went to Beverly Hills to Nate 'n' Als Deli ( Click! ) for some great corned beef.


Havin' one of those days when I can't get anything done, and now someone called a 5:00 meeting.  Hopefully it will be a quick one!

The Best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers"
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please,  Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

  
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

Last hours of the 58th year which is the new 39th...

Had much fun today as I was surprised first with a wonderful tour of Lotusland (Click Here!) and their newly acquired cacti forest, then lunch at Osteria Monte Grappa in Ojai (OMG!) and a visit to my favorite source for new cacti and succulent for our yard.  Then after a short rest, we went to see Ev in the play he has been doing (Verve of Verge).  It has been a long day.  On the way home, I was told I have to get up early tomorrow as well (I don't know why yet).  


Aren't birthdays fun?  Mine is tomorrow!

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

 
A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. 

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Gettin' Older as We Speak...

I'm having mixed feelings about getting older.  Birthdays should come every ten years. Maybe I can turn the clock back.  At this rate, nobody will notice me until I'm dead!  It seems as though my kids are too busy for me except when they need something.  All I ever do anymore is work, whether at my job or at home.  There doesn't seem to be time for hobbies or money to do things or go anywhere.  If this is what I have to look forward to for retirement, I'll keep working. 

Gettin' Older

• I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  
• When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
  
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  
• If all is not lost, where is it?
  
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  
• The first rule of holes:  If you are in one, stop digging.
  
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  
• It was all so different before everything changed.
  
• Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...
  
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
  
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
  
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
• It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

 Old Age Quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that curse of getting older - wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.

Perks Of Being Over The Hill

• There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
  
• Things that you buy now won't wear out.
  
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  
• You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
  
• Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
  
• You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
  
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
  
• You can sing along with elevator music.
  
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
  
• Your eyes won't get too much worse.
  
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  
• People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
  
• You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  
• You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
  
• In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
  
• No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
  
• You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

You Know You're Getting Old When

A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him.
"Oh. Who's in the group?"
When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"

Sliding into Friday...and ready!

 Today I am very proud to say that I accomplished a tremendous amount.  It felt really good.


I saw that Apple announced that they will be releasing a multi-tasking OS for the iPhone at summer.  I'm not so sure that I understand why that make such a difference, especially since they will be Verizon's CDMA system soon- where it won't matter.  I guess they have to compete advertising with Android...


I have always regarded Friday as a catch-up day, but lately all the days seem the same.

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

*The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage*

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked
Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a
few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay
married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I
took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

The Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Hump(day)ing Along...

Nasty day today.  I was in a meeting until after six.  I don't think they pay us enough for the aggravation presented today.

In spite of that was a beautiful warm day and every chance I got outside for a few minutes, it was heavenly!

Better than work, work, work....

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for
the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that
the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A
very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,
keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a
sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young
lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more
than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and
she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every
night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my
boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only
take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to
take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights
'em."

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the
Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding
strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen
monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

One hundred forty-three said yes
Six were undecided
Only one knew that the chemical was...

Water!

The title of his prize winning project was,

"How Gullible Are We?"

He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the
alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment.

The conclusion is obvious.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blonds and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blond team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blonds upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blonds frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blonds looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Where is this year going ?

Hard to believe that it is into April already. Is the year going by really fast, or is it just me ?

Another earthquake!  What is this world coming to (literally) ?

I read another review of the iPad, and the conclusions were the same as mine- most importantly, he couldn't figure out what to do with it either.  But even more important, he couldn't wait to get one.  Isn't it amazing that Apple doesn't make what we want, but we want what they tell us we need?


Well, bonds are going to hell and I just changed my 401k to exclude them.  I hope it makes a difference.  Some people even say that the gold bubble is almost ready to blow.  That will be an interesting one, especially to see what it affects.

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... what have you done with the ship?"

 

How The Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.  

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."  

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service.
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs? F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already.

iPad Madness...

Met my new manager today.  This might work out.  She claims that she doesn't want to change anything here, just go with the flow.  We'll see!

Meanwhile, can you believe all these Apple lemmings?  I haven't figured out whether they just have to have the latest Apple gear or they really have a use for the iPad.  Based on my own principles of bleeding-edge technologies: 1) Let them work out all the bugs first. , 2) Pay less in a few months for the same but better technology. , & 3) Have a good use for what they are selling.

The only task that I can think about so far is to use it to read newspapers and books.  Perhaps I'm just too old fashioned, but I really want some device that is lighter and with a larger display.  Also, I'd really like a convenient way to put "other" documents on it- other than what I buy from iBook or iTunes or iWhatever.  The simplest feature that Apple could have provided was a USB port, which they didn't, so currently if you can find a program that will run on it to read your document, you would have to email it to yourself and then save it from the email.  Perhaps King Jobs has some other predilection, but he is not making that very clear at this point.  I am NOT going to rush out to buy a toy for that price unless I can come up with a plan.

Check out the recent travels of peeps:  Peeps around the world...
And more: World of Peeps
An ultimately: Peeps Definitively

CD Player

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."

 Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgg!

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs and out the back door.

After a little while, the blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blond answers, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, now let's just see how THEY like it."