Today was way fun. I spent almost the entire day with Pete installing test software. The best part of the day was walking there and back! Later on, Terre and I and Max went for a walk on the bluffs. It was amazingly beautiful except for frequent fly attacks. Terre got one up her nose and couldn't get rid of the tickle.
In today's mail Tori received the latest copy of "Baby Talk for New Mothers". I immediately got her on chat and straightened out that possibility. Obviously, she managed to get on some strange mailing list.
BTW, you'll notice that I have three Zits cartoons in this entry. That is intentional to honor my son Ev that shares almost all of Jeremy's traits!
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, Truck drivers,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me.
You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?
Too bad no one likes your wife.
How could two people as beautiful as you.....
have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...
Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like
to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married.... but not to you.
Happy Birthday! you look great for your age... almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up.... I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we call it
quits.
I'm so miserable without you.... It's like you are still here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Any idea who the father was?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think
of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Alabama and Arkansas)
A man who picked up several items at a discount store for his wife. When he finally got up to the checker, he learned that one of his items had no price tag. Imagine his embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently understood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU. POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
