Finally Friday...

It seems that there are always complainers. Last night on KEYT, some woman complained that having a BevMo there where kids walk to school is bad. How ridiculous, since there is already a liquor store there and Trader Joe's, with no effect. The furniture store was a market previously and had no ill effect on traffic. The traffic on the street they are complaining about is an alley and the trucks are supposed to be there, not the cars.  


Is it that all SB people want to keep out chain stores ? If so then just say that instead of these stupid other reasons which are off the wall. I would rather have a busy occupied store with more traffic than an empty store gathering dust. It means more active local economy. Let's get with the solutions rather than obstacles to progress!

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in

two people remembering the same thing."

"Substance"

I had a complaint that there wasn't enough substance to my blog entries.  That brings to mind what the purpose of the blog is.  I enjoy putting these entries together to share what I have found to be funny or intriguing or curious.  I could provide some opinion on something each day (I certainly have plenty of them), but perhaps I am softening in my advanced age, as even though I enjoy expressing them, many times they fall on deaf ears.  Bathing in my futility, I will continue to provide a sampling of what I think is funny or intriguing or curious along with a little bit more of my thoughts expressed into words.

Lately, we've all been seeing issues with Toyota.  They have fallen into the same trap that consumes most big companies on a regular interval.  They have lost touch with their most important product: consumer confidence.  In Toyota's zeal to become the largest producer of automobiles in the world it lost control of quality and reliability.  Will they ever come back ?  Of course they will.  They will have to prove, however, that there are no electronic issues with their cars that would tend to preempt fixed to the gas pedals or floor mats.  I tend to side with the consumer here: it will be a long time before I would consider buying another Toyota.  That isn't to say that similar problems don't exist with other brands.  We are all suffering from the surge of additional complexity of replacing functionality that was previously mechanical (reliable) to the latest-and-greatest electronics.  Used to be that I could work on cars in general, but as the complexity went up, and the need for electronic rather than mechanical tools, the fun was eliminated.

Finding time and money to follow some of my favorite activities has been really tough.  I don't have the energy or money that I once had.  I love to roam about and even hike with a camera.  I have always been amazed at what you can coerce the camera to see that is just not readily showing to casual observer.  Now with tools to manipulate the pictures electronically, one can actually make everyone believe that you are a much better photographer than you really are.  There is so much beauty to capture "on film"....

Isn't it interesting how the business plans and products of the largest and most successful companies have been falling apart ? Apple has just about done-in any kind of media recording of music.  It won't be long before video is only available the same way, electronic.  Now, the whole printing industry is being challenged by electronic publishing and new hand-held tools to read them.  I predict that within five years, we'll be reading magazines and newspapers electronically ONLY, and getting a paper version will be the exception.  One can already see the Apple effects on stores like Borders.  The number of CD aisles have shrunk by probably more than 90%.  Soon, the book aisles will have the same malady.  I predict we will no longer see stores that sell new books.

Well, I've probably been going on long enough for one day's worth... so on to a couple of funnies...

Long Wednesday...

I woke up with a tickle in my throat this morning and it has followed me all day.  I hope I can shake it off without any additional sickness. 

I realized how long it has been since I've seen Tori and I miss her.  Maybe we can go there next weekend.

  

 

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a  flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while  drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

Almost hump day....

A gloriously beautiful day today of which I had to be stuck in a clean-room lab for more than three hours.  It made the time go by soooo slowly.



A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store
every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week,
he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt
he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting
lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon,
but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those
condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my chihuahua and now he
poops in little plastic bags."

Favorite excuses for missing work:

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and
give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.


I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.

I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother
called me and told me I was Jewish.  I fell off the ladder.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Happy Monday

It was such a BEAUTIFUL day today that I think springtime has already begun!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion ' s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I ' ve seen a man do in my whole life. '

The Harley rider replies, ' Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right. '

The reporter says, ' Well, I ' ll make sure this won ' t go unnoticed. I ' m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow ' s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? '

The biker replies, ' I ' m a U.S. Marine and a Republican. ' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media ' s approach to the news these days. 

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid outto use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. 

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Happy Valentine's Day

Went to see Wolfman yesterday afternoon.  It is well conceived, scary, and bloody.  My wife screamed several times during the show, which added to the movie theater ambiance.  We liked it a lot!

Last night we went to a Valentine dinner at Jane.  A long the way fom the car, the SBIFF was going on at the Arlington.  Colin Firth was out front talking and shaking hands.  It was a huge crowd.  At any rate, the dinner was fantastic and we rotundly waddled back to the car, as we really overate.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

Saturday is the only day of the week in which the English name comes from Roman mythology

Battery is dead in the Vette again.  Time for a new one!  Going to one of my new favorite restaurants tonight, "Jane".  Great food!



An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! 


TENJOOBERRYMUDS

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, 2 0boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what judo wan sahn toes'
means."
Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying toast Fine....Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we
bodder on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"

And you thought you didn't speak a foreign language!!  

I like-um Friday...

Walked out on the Goleta pier today at lunch.  It was very pleasant.   There were about fifty pelicans floating in shallow water.  The surf caused hundreds of sandpipers to run back and forth repeatedly. There were kids playing on the beach.  I guess different schools get different days off for President's Birthdays.  Speaking of schools, there was a pod of porpoises swimming around and under the pier.  I'd wished I had my camera, but it is not something I carry all the time.  I have to admit, though, that if I did, I would probably find something to take a picture of each time I visited there.

While sitting in the lounge at the retirement center Edna and Ethel were talking about the old times. Edna asked, "Ethel, when you and George were young did you have mutual orgasms?" Ethel thought awhile and responded seriously, "No, I think we had State Farm." 

  
One day my mommy was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Almost Friday Again...

  Busy, busy, busy.  If I could clone myself, we both be busy.  I'm looking forward to the weekend....

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 67 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Performance Review Terms:

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Made no major blunders - yet.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks a lot.

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Spouse drinks, too.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the cops.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.

CAREFUL THINKER: Won't make a decision.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT: Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.

FORCEFUL: Argumentative.

AGGRESSIVE: Obnoxious.

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS: Gets someone else to do it.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. 

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!' 

Another humpday....

Today was so beautiful and clear as most first days after rain.  Much as I enjoyed the rain, I'm glad for the respite.

There was an old married couple who had lived happily together
for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was
caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause
her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
such nasty farts. He told her that he couldn't help it. She
begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but
the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as
she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he
didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts
out" until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred
to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a
devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl
and quietly walked upstairs before her flatulent husband awoke.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and
then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then
placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear,
pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs
to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal
loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to
the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up
as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him, she had finally gotten even!

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She
bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was
wrong.

He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me
and I didn't listen to you"

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out
one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace
of God and these two fingers... I think I got' em all back in!!!"

Is it only Tuesday ?

Fun day today just picking up the strewn pieces at work.  Way too much to do...

 

Some people just make me sick complaining about the job Obama is doing.  Since Bush took eight years to royally screw up everything, why can't we give Obama at least that long to undo it ?

Monday blahs...

What a day.  There was such a dearth of funny stories or cartoons that I almost didn't make a post...

 

 

Beautiful and clear- A Superbowl of a Day

Went for a long walk from Cliff Drive, along Shoreline Drive to the Harbor and back with Max and Steve.  Both were dragging by the time we got back to the truck.

 

Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that expensive organic dog food you're feeding me is tasty? You try it. It's dreck - much too salty. And you just don't seem to care about me anymore. You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking."
"Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He's young and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."

 

After a life of sin Boudreaux dies and is sent to hell.One day the devil comes by and Boudreaux is in the corner smiling. The devil asks him...Why you smiling? It warm here,almost feel like springtime in Nawleens.Boudreaux replies. The devil turns up the HEAT!

Next day same thing. Why you smiling? It hot! Feel like Bourbon Street on the 4th of July!! The devil turned off all the Heat thinking he'd show him!!

Next day again... The devil said I don't think you understand.You died Boudreaux and this is Hell.Nothing here is good! Why you still smiling???
Boudreaux looks around @ the snow falling and the ice everywhere and says...DA SAINTS MUST BE GOIN TO DA SUPERBOWL BABY!!!!!!!!

Rainy Saturday...

We went for a walk with Max this morning and got completely soaked!  Fun!


World's Easiest Quiz?

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!

Answers:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George V's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course. 

TGIF again....

The week went by like lightning.  The trip to Dallas and back amped up the pace for the week.  Much accomplished and still much to do, both home and at work.... but thank goodness it's Friday!


A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'  

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

 'Hi Keith'  

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"
- Lynda Montgomery

And from George Carlin...
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?
How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?
Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?
How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

 




Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire...
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.
She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,she thought, "It's too big"
- it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.
As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more.
She would want to do it again and again and again............DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?

One day past Groundhog Day and Rain is due Tonight!

Amazing Grace

As a bagpiper, I play many Gigs.  Recently, I
Was asked by a funeral director to play at a
Grave side service For a homeless man.  He had no family or
Friends, so the Service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
In the Kentucky Back-country.

As I was not familiar with the
Backwoods, I got Lost; and being a typical man I didn't
Stop for Directions.  I finally arrived an hour
Late and saw that the Funeral guy
Had evidently gone and the hearse
Was nowhere in
Sight.

There were only the diggers and 
Crew left and they Were eating lunch.  I felt badly and
Apologized to the men for Being late.  I went to the side of the
Grave And looked down and the vault lid
Was already in Place.  I didn't know what else to do, so
I started to play.

The workers put down their Lunches and began to
Gather around.  I played out my heart And soul for this man
With no family and friends.  I played Like I've
Never played before for this Homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began
To weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept
Together.  When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
Started for My car.  Though my head hung
Low, my heart was Full.

As I opened the door to my car, I
Heard one of the Workers say,

"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen
Nothin' like that before and I've
Been putting in septic tanks For twenty years!"

 

 

Back from that "Whole Other Country"

The trip to Dallas and back was rather uneventful, but the food was wonderful.  Had the house specialty (chicken fried steak with white gravy) at the Saltgrass and a BBQ beef brisket sandwich at Dickey's.  Great stuff.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were
married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of
baked beans. All the way home he farted. He farted down one hill
and farted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt
reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to
his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to
peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel
better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the
next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his
napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on
his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly,
he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed
the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit." 

Sunday about...

Nice day today.   We went for a long walk in Isla Vista with Max and watch the high surf coming right up to the bluffs.  Many, many surfers were trying their best to right the big waves.  Coal Oil point was really hopping.  There were a lot of people watching, too!

Went to see Invictus last night.  It was a pretty good "feel-good" movie.  It had very interesting scenery and watching the rugby games was cool.  They are really brutal.

So I'm packed and ready for tomorrow's trip to Dallas (if we end up going)....

"When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all

of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at

funerals."

- Jerry Seinfeld

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who
sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he
was searching for a new head Samurai.

A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the
position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish
Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai
opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his
sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese
Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh -
whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four
pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should
be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match
box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the
fly was still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, "After all of that,
why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled and said,

"Circumcision is not intended to kill."