QCK WIT

Voters

2012-02-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

Why would anyone with half a brain care what Sarah Palin has to say or believe that she could sway an election by what she says? The commotion in the primaries for the formerly(G)OP candidate is such a mess that frontrunners come and go with each primary. Sometimes I think that the best support that a candidate could get is if Obama would say that he didn't think he could win against that person. Of course he wouldn't say that, because there isn't (and won't be) a viable competitor.
I think that the real answer here is that many people that vote are uninformed. They vote on a whim or arbitrarily because they like the candidate's hair, or don't like the other candidates wife...or some other non-applicable reason. Unfortunately, their vote counts just the same.

How to be a gracious southern bitch
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding."

Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

2012-02-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

As usual, the people that have to use software don't get the opportunity to shape what they use. Of course we would want all software to be intuitive so that a manual is not needed, but one would expect a website to display what information one wants. My daughter flew today from Rome to Milan. I decided to check on her flight from the EasyJet website and that was a mistake. All that I could tell was that the arrival time was progressively getting later. I could not tell that the plane had not departed yet, and was an hour and a half late getting off. This is worry some. I really don't expect them to put down the reason for the lateness, but it sure would have been nice to know that the plane was still on the ground and not circling somewhere.
When I went to the Milan airport site, I actually got a graphic of a plane over a Google map showing exactly where is was and also as it progressively got closer to Milan airport. Why isn't this a generalized app that every site can tap into, instead of producing websites that are worthless, that philosophy would make them all as capable. This is probably why the very small apps on smart phones are so popular, because you only REALLY need the app to do one thing, do it well, and be done. So dividing up the tasks in such a way that you always have the best apps doing the best job for you that they can, means that you don't have to deal with crappy websites and their lack of capabilities.

The Light turned yellow
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

One farmer asks another, "What would you do, if you won a million dollars?" The other farmer thinks for a moment, then says, "I guess keep farming until the money runs out."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.

"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster.After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.

"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and decided to take the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early.

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.

Ebonics?
Tyrone is a 20 year old 5th grader. This is his homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose.
If I pay alimony today, I'll have no money forclose.

2. Rectum.
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment.
Da gonna send me backtada joint if I miss disappointment.

5. Penis
doctor gave me a cup and said "penis"!!!!!

6. Israel
Alonza try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say,"Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the appartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle Iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan to be stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?"

14. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey see the tits on the ho!"

15. Axe
The policeman want to axe me some questions.

16. Fortify
I axed this ho, "how much?" she say "fortify."

17. Income
I just got in bed wit da ho an' income my wife.

LOL.....

Ridiculousness Aside...

2012-02-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

I certainly can say that I'm surprised that Santorum (don't look up the meaning of his name on Wikipedia...) has managed to win the last three states in the race(?) for the nomination. Does this mean that he is doing a better job than Mr. Milquetoast (Uncle Mitt) ? Probably. Mitt is not pushing hard enough, riding on his past wins. This only goes to show that there is no rest for a "serious candidate". All of Mitt's monies may not buy the candidacy, in spite of the fact that he is the ONLY GOP candidate that is electable. Hopefully, his campaign takes these losses as a wake-up call. Santorum doesn't stand a chance against Obama, even with the not-Obama votes.

I remember the Pet Rock. It was an unqualified, but unexplainable success. Can it be done again ? Now I see a toothbrush that sings Bieber tunes and a bacon tuxedo. Are they silly enough to make any money? Are we doomed to invest in nonsensical crap rather than actual usable and sensible products? Is American ingenuity being wasted on crap?

Isn't it amazing that the whole LAUSD fiasco is happening. As the story unfolds, it is beyond belief that they sat on the evidence for over eighteen years, while countless molestations took place, without doing ANYTHING that might cause a lawsuit. Now they have arrested a second teacher and a third is implicated. I feel for the kids and their parents. Nothing has been said yet about the liability of the school district personnel. They should all be fired, and then sued. Criminal charges should also be made agains those "in charge".

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

Valentine Poems

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Life is all about ASS!

You're either married to an ASS, divorced from an ASS or trying to forget an ASS. You're either working your ASS off, sweating your ASS off, laughing your ASS off, kicking ASS, kissing ASS, spanking ASS, hauling ASS, wiping ASS, busting ASS, trying to get a piece of ASS! Or, you ARE an ASS.

The Magic Green Hat
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

Rejected State Mottos

Alabama
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

Alaska
Come, freeze your butt off

Arizona
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

Arkansas
At least we're not Mississippi

California
The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

Colorado
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

Connecticut
Way too close to New York

Delaware
You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

Florida
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

Georgia
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

Hawaii
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Seleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

Idaho
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

Illinois
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana
Home of David Letterman

Iowa
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

Kansas
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

Kentucky
Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville

Louisiana
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you

Maine
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

Maryland
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

Massachusetts
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

Michigan
Land of the free, home of the Buick

Minnesota
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

Mississippi
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

Missouri
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

Montana
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

Nebraska
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

Nevada
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

New Hampshire
Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

New Jersey
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

New Mexico
Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

New York
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

North Carolina
Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

North Dakota
The OTHER South Dakota

Ohio
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell

Oklahoma
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

Oregon
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

Pennsylvania
Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change

Rhode Island
Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina
Just south of North Carolina

South Dakota
Closer than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

Texas
Si Hablo Ingles
See, everything is bigger in Texas!

Utah
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

Vermont
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

Virginia
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

Washington
We like our state, so STAY OUT!

West Virginia
Where "family values" has a different meaning

Wisconsin
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

Wyoming
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared

Can't Even Buy Service

2012-02-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

I guess I picked a bad time to go to the market. I was there today (Super Bowl Sunday)at about 1:00 and the place was mobbed. I decided to get in the line to do self checkout. I was almost done, when a woman was standing in behind me and piling her groceries on the shelf next to the the scale at the self checkout. This is precariously close to the card swiper (where I would enter my pin). I asked her nicely to step back and give me my privacy to complete my purchase, but she didn't move. I then told her that I WAS NOT proceeding until she stepped back. Very loudly, she called me rude and left to another checkout station. I proceeded, and then a man showed up and did the same thing. I asked him nicely to wait in the appropriate place while I completed my purchase in private. He said that I was rude and was I having a bad day?
What is the story behind the lack of respect that one gets anymore? People have to realize that they reap what they sow. I am not looking to enter my PIN with someone looking over my shoulder. I was having issues with the machine that repeatedly took my PIN digits doubled. After three times, I managed to get it to work. Then I proceeded to rem out the attendant's performance at traffic control. My station was just adjacent to her location and she heard everything and saw that I was having problem, but chose to stay out of it- even though it is her job. No matter WHERE you go, you cannot BUY the service that we have all come to expect for free! Our society has become selfish and self serving. Maybe I'm an old curmudgeon (I think not), but I think ANY customer DESERVES better! On second thought, it would have been better to abandon my cart and just leave to go to a less crowded store.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church.

They see a big sign posted that says,

"Convert to Catholicism and get $100"

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says,

"Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty
minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
of?"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk, smelling of alcohol, sat down on the subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks...
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand...
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big knockers who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

First Snow in Rome in 1985...

2012-02-03T18:40:00.000-08:00

Good words from Tori in Rome: She is having a fantastic time, except for the cold. She is getting to visit so many places that either a tourist wouldn't know to got, or couldn't find. She finally capitulated by buying some rubber boots, even though they are NOT stylish- it is better than wet feet that get very cold. She looked so happy when it snowed...

I want to express my appreciation to Zuck and Fleecebook for making the market close higher and making me a lot of money. Unfortunately, the market will take it back in the next trading day, but is was a nice gesture on his way to becoming a billionaire.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with much of the news as I've been too busy. Obviously there is a similar issue in the L.A. Unified School District. These officials must live under rocks and how do they manage to keep their jobs while there a pedifile predators disguised as teachers operating for almost two decades without even a hand slap. I understand that they were concerned with lawsuits from the accused and therefore put the children's welfare way behind the financial risk. Now, their problems are much worse, as they will certainly be sued by the victims, their parents, et cetera - AND hopefully lose their jobs AND hopefully spend some time in jail!!!

The Cure
Two housewives were drinking coffee.

Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?"

Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!"

Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29 percent of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious
problem."

71 percent of respondents answered: "No es una problema
seriosa."

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in the big city......

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

The French
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

General George S. Patton
------------------------------

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

Norman Schwarzkopf
------------------------------

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

Marge Simpson
------------------------------

"As far as I"m concerned, war always means failure."

Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

Regis Philbin
---------------------------

"The last time the French asked for"more proof" it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

David Letterman
------------------------------

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."

Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like ... World War II."

Unknown
-----------------

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

Dennis Miller
------------------------------

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

Alan Kent
-----------------------------

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It"s not known, it"s never been tried."

Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that"s because it was raining."

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

Zuck or Not?

2012-01-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

Is this true? Is Zuck REALLY facing reality ? Does he have enough private money to buy out investors or hopeful employees and keep the company private (so he can continue to do whatever he wants) ? I'm sure that he hopes to make EVEN MORE by going public. Once he is the CEO of a public company, he WILL have the stockholder to behold to, which is certainly not his style. This may be the beginning of the end, the "social network" bubble pop....

Jewish Proverbs, Most Direct Quotes
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks .
Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become
Immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study in that morning's newspaper which indicate
that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that the reason women use twice as many words as men is because they have to repeat everything they say.

He looked up from his paper and said, "What?"

Fleecbook is at It Again, but on a Brobdinagian Scale

2012-01-30T20:08:00.000-08:00

I've been harping a lot lately about how lobbying should be outlawed, as well as company contributions to candidates (i.e. bribes for later favors). Have you wondered why none of the people responsible for the failing of Wall Street have never been prosecuted? Check out this article.

Give me a break, people. We have discussed about the next bubble and what will happen when it bursts. How can Fleecebook be worth so much? It is all artificial and will be the straw that breaks the camel's back....

Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Kids Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Q: What is one horsepower?

A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Anniversary
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective;

1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3.The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11.The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12.The Key West Citizen is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Destressing....

2012-01-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

Laying back and licking my stress and anxiety wounds, as we are doing this weekend, is not what the formerly(G)OP candidates should be doing, as the reported poll results are worse for ups and downs than the stock market. I HONESTLY don't think any of the candidates are going to win, but STILL I believe that Romney is the only one that is electable. Given his waffling on many issues, it is difficult to believe that he is ready.

More on my daughter's adventure in Rome: She says that her room (in the former convent) is about 5x5, with a single bed and her own bathroom. The bathroom is too small to comb her hair in. The whole bathroom is also her shower, running through a drain in the center of the bathroom floor. She has to wedge herself between toilet and sink to access the shower head, and barely has enough room to turn around. It is SAFE to say that EVERYTHING in the bathroom gets wet when she showers. Funny! Also, it goes without saying, that there are no electric outlets in the bathroom. This makes getting ready INTERESTING. I can honestly understand NOW why European women have the reputation for not shaving often, if at all.

They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied -

"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate."

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Dog Letters To God

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but
not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding
around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have
its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle
the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever
hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets
thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

· He called everyone "brother"

· He liked Gospel

· He couldn't get a fair trial.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish

· He went into His Father's business.

· He lived at home until he was 33.

· He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

· He talked with his hands.

· He had wine with every meal.

· He used olive oil.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

· He never cut his hair.

· He walked around barefoot all the time.

· He started a new religion.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

· He never got married.

· He was always telling stories.

· He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

· He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
food.

· He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

· Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Fruition After Much Pain...

2012-01-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

Note that there have not been any entries this week, as the anxiety and stress level at my house has been way in the red zone....

Without yet getting into the details that got us to that point, let me just say that I visited Disneyland for the first time in twelve years as a belated birthday gift to my daughter; I spent four hours in traffic court supporting my son, helped to get my daughter off to her semester abroad in Rome [this morning at 4:30 a.m.] and my hot water heater went out last evening. These things would cause us all to cry (if we were allowed), but they had to be dealt with, as only Disneyland was a choice. The others; well let me say that there are many of Murphy's Laws being enforced here- none of which has caused us to win the Lottery - or even feel that we are getting an even break!

Now for the details:
We drove down to Anaheim, in record time of ninety minutes, down Interstate 5 last Saturday to spend the night in a motel adjacent to Disneyland. I like to be present when they open the doors at the park. Previously, we left our car at the motel and walked across the street to catch the shuttle to the ticket counters. Much has changed. The motel now charges eight dollars a day to park. That wasn't so bad, but if it is parked before three p.m. and stays parked after 3 p.m., then it is $24. If it is parked after 3 p.m., then the $8 dollar price is used. The park charges $15 to park, so we opted for that.
Previously, I entered off Harbor Boulevard into a large parking lot. Much has changed. That parking lot is now the California Adventure Park. So we opted to enter (with the car) on Disneyland Drive which allowed us to pass Downtown Disney (more about that later) on our way to the largest free-standing parking garage in the west that is not associated with a mall. We parked and took the escalator down to a lower level where we caught the shuttle to the ticket counters.

Now, these shuttles are new also, and about a block long. The truck is a single seat, with a large compressed natural gas v-8 behind it. It seems to pull a full train with ease, as it snakes around other vehicles and turns corners with ease.

At the ticket counter, we met Brett, our oldest, who works for Disney Studios and has a "Cast member" ID which gets us all in for free, 20% off food, and 35% off purchases. That all sounds great until you look at how much ticket prices have gone up to. Our tickets were $99 each, which would have been $398 to enter the park, plus the $15 to park. Perhaps Disney is making some money on this, or maybe not. Much has changed. Disneyland used to be where you could drop off your kids for an all day treat (for parents too), but it is too expensive for that now. There are no gangs entering the park. There are strict dress codes and they make you go through a metal detector and a pat down, as well as inspecting your bags. No gang members can afford the price or the recognition if they are caught with something they shouldn't have. Score one for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the park is much different, and yet strangely the same. Pirates of the Carri bean now has tributes to Captain Jack Sparrow. Toontown sucks, as there isn't anything worthwhile there anymore. Small World was decorated for Christmas, and they were playing Jingle Bells in many languages, so I did not get an injection of "It's a Small World", that resurfaces like a rash for weeks on end! Many of the other rides were also upgraded and enjoyable as none of them had lines more than ten minutes long. It was a cold and overcast day, too soon after the Christmas and Property Tax dates to warrant a large crowd.
Soon, we decided to jump to the other park, California Adventure. We discovered that they are rebuilding about two thirds of that park because the demand was so low. What was open, though, was very interesting. The kids went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror ride and the Screamin' roller coaster (maglev driven) and loved them. We all went on Soarin' over California and it was great. The 4D show at the Bug's Life area is also not to be missed- very worthwhile, at least once. All in all the parks were fun, especially when free.
Not to be outdone, Disney also added Downtown Disney. This is a copy of Knott's and Universal, as they have both had shopping areas outside their parks for years. Here is where you can find many chain restaurants such as PF Chang's and Rainforest Cafe, as well as many stores that are accessible without going into the park. A great idea, but still too far to walk from your local motel- so that means $15 to park...

Traffic court was not fun, especially for four hours. With the fine and conditions, my son now has had his eye opener and perhaps he will be more respectful to his PRIVILEGE to drive.

Well, we finally got to the day that Tori leaves. This, of course, after sweating the Taxi driver and truck driver strike in Rome. The school decided to provide a bus. Enough said there. That morning, we couldn't get her suitcase closed, so I began pulling stuff out, and put a strap on the outside. We got it closed, but even on my bathroom scale, it was overweight. At my wife's insistence, Tori couldn't handle three suitcases at the airport, so we were stuck with two- a carry on and a large check-in. We got up at 3:30 a.m. to get to the airport by 4:30 for a 5:30 flight. I had figured that there would be an extra charge because of the over weight, but we wouldn't have to pay for the second one. At the check-in counter, the suitcase weighed 75 pounds. The fee for an INTERNATIONAL flight was $400, and could have been as high as $1200. What choice did we have at that point? I paid the fee and Tori made it to her room at the convent in Rome by about eleven p.m., or 8:00 in the morning Friday in Rome.

The Convent Tori is Staying In

We received a phone call from Newark airport and an email from Rome that she arrived safely and her room is about 5x5 (I'm sure that that is an exaggeration), but she said that her bathroom was almost too small to turn around in. The shower is not enclosed, but open to the rest of the bathroom, with a drain on the shower floor. What a deal!

As for the hot water heater; it was only a bad thermocouple which amounted to a $65 visit from an HONEST plumber. What was REALLY unfortunate is that Tori's last shower at home was ICE COLD!

Nuff said... we are looking forward to basking in the Santa Barbara sunshine and taking the couch for a drive this weekend, while we lick our wounds and feed them beer.

"USA Today reports today that in France they are having trouble translating the Internet terms into French. Apparently, there are no French words for 'surfing the net' or 'chat session' or 'hacker.' Of course there are a lot of other word that don't translate into French. 'Military victory,' 'deodorant,' 'please and thank you.'"

- Jay Leno

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

Senior Citizen Sayings

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... Absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

I'm wondering... If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the storeroom.

Phrases

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Words that should Exist

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A Monetary Incentive is What It Takes

2012-01-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

This is wonderful. A monetary incentive not to use your cell phone when it would be rude. Everyone at a table in a restaurant stacks their cell phone in the center of the table, face down. If anyone reaches for it during the meal, they pay the whole bill!

Another Bat Chain Puller drops out. Rick Perry made the announcement that he has given up pursuit of the nomination. This is certainly a predictable bit of news.... Seems like the formerly(G)OP is making one big circle... I maintain that Milquetoasty Mitt is the only one that is electable...

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there's still no sign of the pooch.

"What did you write in the ad?" his wife asks.

"'Here, boy,'" he replies.

Hark!

2012-01-18T09:56:00.001-08:00

Stop the Merry-go-round, I want to get off...

2012-01-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

Another Bat Chain Puller falls to the wayside as John Huntsman suspends his campaign. The focus will get sharper with less potentials going for that nomination. Perhaps "Milquetoasty" Mitt will become more sharpened and committed to what he says- NOT!

I am REALLY surprised that the sophistication of GPS may not have been available on the cruise ship that is sinking off the coast of Italy. It seems that it would almost be impossible to run a ship aground given that you know exactly where the ship is and have maps that show latitude and longitude of hazards. I noticed that there has been no mention of the instrumentation that was available to the captain of that ship, and whether it was working correctly. There is no excuse for his actions after going aground, but the actual accident may not be his fault. We seem way to anxious to put the blame on him, even though he certainly deserves the major amount of it.

The world is moving way too fast. The simple life has all but disappeared. High technologies have only made it worse and there is no slowing down or stopping in sight. How much of the "progress" can be attributed to greed?

How far away is the Singularity? Now they are making a movie about it. Certainly it is too far gone to turn back, but exactly how far away is it ?

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

· BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

· SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

· CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount,
leaving the top brass with clean hands.

· CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

· MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

· PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

· SITCOMs
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

· STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids,
no property and no regrets.

· STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

· SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

· TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were just tourists."

· TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

· XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

· CHIPS & SALSA
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure
out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

· PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to
get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

· SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.

· CLM
(Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-
advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.

· ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

· DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

· 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and
going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as
he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the
story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He
describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on
the seat, and...

"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Kids Books You'll Never See

"You Were an Accident"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Bi-Curious George"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

Daydreaming About Political Outcomes

2012-01-13T18:34:00.000-08:00

I am currently experiencing a blockage on my writing. I have been blinded by the stories found recently in the media. Apparently they have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for filler. That has made my task much more difficult...

The weather (up to 75 degrees) today got me daydreaming. What if Mr. Milquetoast won the nomination, and what if he won the presidency. Do I REALLY believe that anything would change, for the better or worse ? Have we forgotten that Bush and Clinton started the ball running to get us in this mess or sending our manufacturing overseas. The ball is not going to stop based on who is in the White House. Congress has much too much power to stop any progress in any direction. The only way having a new president might make a difference is if we though all the bums in Congress out of office. Unfortunately, they have fixed that issue too, as only half of them get elected at a time.

LeRoy's Hearing
Leroy goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and Prays and Prays and Prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy , how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!

Redneck Horoscope

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

So, there are these two old guys, one 80 and one 87. They were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

Is it a Win for Mr. Milquetoast or a Loss for the NOT-Romneys?

2012-01-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

As I said before, Mr Milquetoast will win in New Hampshire. I haven't figured out the NOT-Romneys yet though. I was surprised that Ron Paul would get such a showing. So "really" begins the election machine. Does he have a chance against Obama? One has to factor in the race issue, unfortunately. Some voters won't vote for Obama if he was the only one running. Romney will get those votes. He will also get the votes of the unemployed. Obama will continue to get the upper middle class vote, and the minorities. I believe that Obama will still pull it off. It is very difficult to unseat a president. Romney would have a better chance in four years. One factor that may have a larger impact, is if Obama gets Hillary to run as vice-president. We shall see...

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employment to another wastrel in IT. They are also annoying. Like
chain letters but without the same degree of intellectual rigour.
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UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry reveals the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man fluctuates, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest, while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

HELL EXPLAINED
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Even Less than Worthless Endorsement...

2012-01-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

Let me see; if I was going to vote in the Republican primary- what would I wait for NOT? How about Todd Palin's endorsement (Who the hell is that and what would his endorsement mean) ? If only I was considering voting for someone that has even less credibility than Sara Palin, would Todd fit the bill? We'd sure like to think that people that vote have half a brain, but frequently I am reminded that that is a rash assumption! Certainly, they have no more smarts that the Bat Chain Pullers that are running for office....

What ever happened to the formerly (G)OP ?

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Collections of Birds
aerie of eagles
aerie of hawks
ascension of larks
band of jays
bevy of doves
bevy of quail
bevy of swans
bouquet of pheasants (when flushed)
brace of ducks
brood of chickens
brood of chicks
brood of hens
brood of turkeys (immature)
building of rooks
bury of conies
cast of hawks
chain of bobolinks
charm of finches
charm of goldfinches
charm of hummingbirds
chattering of choughs
chattering of chicks
clamor of rooks
clutch of chicks
colony of gulls
colony of penguins
colony of vultures
company of parrots
congregation of birds
congregation of plovers
conspirancy of ravens
convocation of eagles
cote of doves
cover of coots
covey of pheasants (on the ground)
covey of ptarmigans
covey of grouse
covey of partridges
covey of quail
crèche of penguins
deceit of lapwings
descent of woodpeckers
dissimulation of birds
dole of doves
dule of turtledoves
dule of doves
exaltation of larks
fall of woodcocks
flight of birds
flight of cormorants
flight of doves
flight of pigeons
flight of swallows
flock of birds
flock of chickens
flock of ducks
flock of geese
flock of pigeons
flock of swifts
flock of turkeys
flush of ducks
gaggle of geese
hedge of herons
herd of curlews
herd of swans
host of sparrows
huddle of penguins
kettle of hawks
lamentation of swans
mob of emus
murder of crows
murmuration of starlings
muster of peacocks
muster of storks
mustering of storks
nest of pheasants
nide of pheasants (on the ground)
nye of pheasants (on the ground)
ostentation of peacocks
pack of grouse
paddling of ducks
parcel of penguins
parliament of rooks
parliament of owls
party of jays
peep of chickens
piteousness of doves
pitying of turtledoves
plump of wildfowl
plump or waterfowl
raft of wigeons
raft of ducks
rafter of turkeys
rookery of penguins
scold of jays
sedge of bitterns
sedge of cranes
sedge of herons
siege of bitterns
siege of cranes
siege of herons
skein of geese (in flight)
skein of goslings
sord of mallards
spring of teals
storytelling of crows
storytelling of ravens
storytelling of rooks
team of ducks
tidings of magpies
unkindness of ravens
volery of birds
wake of buzzards
walk of snipes
watch of nightingales
wedge of geese (flying in a 'V')
wedge of swans (flying in a 'V')
wing of plovers
wisdom of owls
wisp of snipes

I have a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled me over as we were speeding through Missouri.
Hoping to get off with a warning, I tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," I said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?

2012-01-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

Is 2012 the year that we will get off the phone? Have we been sucked in by the convenience or perturbed at the interruptions and time wasted? The gubmint is restricting phone use more and more; while driving, for example. There are many public places that declare themselves cell phone free areas.
On the other hand, think of all the profits being made by phone companies and those that they sell your personal information to. When will the public wake up? When will the gubmint put further restrictions on the amount and type of data that can be extracted from cell phones and their users?
Will the public be able to separate from their smart phones? More and more applications are being adopted as "the norm". Soon, it is probable that credit/debit cards won't exist as we know them now, but only on are cell phones. Don't be surprised to find that other "manual" chores will soon be delegated to your cell phone...
Recently, I was required to give my cell phone number to a mortgager. They were not happy when I lied that I didn't own one.

So all these pictures and videos are surfacing about Casey Anthony; who cares? She is getting way too much attention. I do care that she probably killed her daughter and got away with it, but why are we emphasizing what she is doing? Why do we care? A much better topic is why did she get off? What did the prosecutor do wrong? What happened in the jury? I think that there are much better questions that need answering. Meanwhile, let Casey Anthony sit in her own poop. Her life is a shambles and probably won't get any better, certainly, than she deserves.

To Pee or Not to Pee
I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government Distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes To people who don't have to pass a urine test. So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check Because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT ----doing drugs while I work. Can you imagine how much money each state would save If people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country - AND SOON! P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers

2012-01-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

It is actually shocking to me that I've had so little to say lately. With all the ruckus in Iowa, it is amazing. Apparently I've already rendered my opinion of Mr. Milquetoast and the Bat Chain Pullers (sounds like a rock group name). 'Nuff said, except that there was a tremendous emphasis on what the Iowans had to say, when IMHO it was extremely over-weighted. By exactly how much is yet to be seen. So far, the Not-Romneys have managed to each get their fifteen minutes of fame and then sink their own ship with there own words. Perhaps Vermont will be more telling...

Last evening, we watched "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"- not the latest one, but the version from 2009 that was Danish(?) with English subtitles. What a shocker. I am surprised that that version did not get more attention. It was well done. Word has it, though, that the latest version (with Daniel Craig) is better still. I guess we will find out. This may prove to be the sleeper of the season, just like the Black Swan was.

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with yous?"

"Nay," Jock replied. "I'm switching the heating aff while I'm oot."

2012-01-04T18:53:00.000-08:00

Well, the bat chain pullers are beginning to fall, as Michelle Bachmann suspends her campaign (couldn't happen to a nicer candidate). I wonder who will be next? And what is with the competition for Mr. Milquetoast (Mitt) ? Santorum (don't look up his name in Webster's) is giving him some unexpected competition. They will all fall soon, though. IMHO Mr. Milquetoast is the only electable candidate from the formerly (G)OP.

Bravo for a new law that supposedly will make it easier to change banks and even will let you take your account number with you! So many people are giving up on their banks (and maybe changing to credit unions) that even two major banks are charging $25 to close your accounts! Most banks are so arrogant that they quickly forget (conveniently) whose money it really is! It used to be a pain to open new accounts, but these two banks are making it a pain to close your accounts. If my bank did that to me, I would pay the fee just to not be associated with them anymore!

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now you can!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, and six cases of beer. That's all you will need to start!

Now just follow the 25 simple steps.

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin, and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high and mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don't deceive yourself. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry and into the redneck world!

Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. Use necktie to wipe nose. Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on business suit.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.

6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3

7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling has in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all NG endings from words - havin instead of having. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo.

20) Buy shotgun shack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

25) Have name changed legally from Mark or Andrew or Kevin to Cletus or Bubba or Jed.

Competition is Healthy

2012-01-03T15:34:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you that returning to work today, after being off for three weeks, is way overrated. A large percentage of the staff is still off and it is difficult to get anything done- if I was going to.

I recently wrote a letter to the Mayor of Goleta complaining about the monopoly that my ISP has over the city and the surrounding areas. I feel that it would be worthwhile to have competition, especially if it would use a different medium to provide the service. Currently, I access my internet content over cable-TV coaxial cable. There is sufficient noise and overload to consider moving to an all fiber-optic approach. There are several companies that offer that service, but not here. The response was that they were shut out of the competition for service supplier. Here is the letter that I received in return:

Dear Mr. Lapman:

Mayor Easton forwarded your below email to me and asked that I respond.I'm copying my response to our Administrative Services Director as well,as she may have additional and more specific information for you.

Nonetheless, based on my knowledge of the subject, let me provide a bit of background which may prove helpful.A number of years ago the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)strengthened the feds control over local cable television systems.

Similar to the federal regulation of telephone networks and cellular systems it was believed and determined that the entire country would best served by standard laws and regulations. While local jurisdictions like Goleta lost a good bit of local control, customers around the nation were guaranteed a certain level of service and migration to new technologies that may not have been achieved uniformly were it not for the FCC regulations. That is just a bit of context.

Cox does not have a monopoly with the City. We could indeed entertain other competitive franchises with other providers or could even provide the service ourselves. But there is a hitch. Cox owners the delivery system and is not required to share it. As a result, there would have to be a very large incentive for another company to invest millions and millions of dollars in infrastructure costs and then attempt to underbid the competition in order to get enough subscribers to make their investment worthwhile. I suspect that rarely happens, especially not in
these economic times. What provides the greatest competition for Cox,however, is the satellite system that Direct TV offers. Similarly, the internet, wireless systems, and streaming video is opening up new avenues for customers to choose from.

Our Administrative Services Director, Michelle Greene, may be able to provide facts about local rates over the past 10 years, but you should know that rates in Goleta have not risen that greatly, at least over the past 6 years that I'm aware of. The FCC limits how much say we have over rates, but we have been active in trying to hold Cox accountable and have them maintain competitive rates while continuing to expand and improve service levels.

I hope this information helps in some way. Please feel free to contact our offices if you would like to speak with Michelle further about this subject or receive a copy of our franchise agreement with Cox Cable.

Sincerely,

Dan Singer
City Manager
City of Goleta

It is obvious to me, after reading this letter, that no company will EVER come in to compete with Cox. It is a lost cause.... There also doesn't appear to be any INCENTIVE from the local government to stimulate some competition. One must also keep in mind that it is not only the content for which we pay, but the poor service. Cox also has no incentive to perform better or cheaper! My response the the city manager:

Thank you Mr. Singer.

Please let me remind you, though, that even though there is no incentive (without major investment) for an additional company to try to compete with Cox; there is also NO incentive for Cox to perform or offer better than they currently do (which is poor, by any measure).

You speak of streaming video, of which I have recently attempted in order to replace my Cable TV with, except the ONLY internet service provider that offers enough bandwidth and speed is also Cox. I have found that most of the time their service is not reliable enough to watch a two hour streamed video without interruption.

Please reconsider your (the city's) stand and encourage other companies to compete, whether by WiFi or fiber-optic or other means to rein in the poor performance and higher prices that we get from Cox. If you had the means and/or desire to poll the community, I would bet that half or more of the Cox subscribers would drop them cold, given the chance with another supplier.

Sincerely,

I'm not sure where this is going, but I don't think I have anything to lose. It sure does add to my frustration level, though.

I'm looking forward to some heavy competition between the bat chain pullers in Iowa tonight, too!

Definition of a gun collector:

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache”. By Southern California standards, the man was assumed to be "mentally unstable." However, if the same guy lived...

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called, "The neighborhood Go-To guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called, "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called, "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas,he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”.

Finally Rid of 2011

2012-01-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

Being that we were on call as chauffeurs on New Year's eve, our celebration was tempered way down. After a nice dinner out, we went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Having been transferred to the Victorian era by the movie, the sets and photography were phenomenal. The plot unwound ever so slowly and the action never stopped. It was Downey and Law at their best!

True nature of tools:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coke across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shucks'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips Screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering our palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Hope you found this informative

Nostalgia...

2011-12-31T15:36:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time seeking anamnesis. The simpler life (of the past) is truly what I would like to return to. When politicians still based their campaign on "character". When someone's "word" meant everything. When marriages lasted at least a "coon's age" and even longer. When you could actually work on your car, because it was mechanical and simple. When you could actually buy a car for less than a house costs in some places. Where foods were pure and unadulterated. When an honest wage could still be earned and still support a family of four. When you could still buy "Made in America" goods. When you could still buy a book or rent a movie....

Those days are gone, I lament. Gone, at least, where most (maybe all) of us continue to live.

A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving
Equality Throughout The World..........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Ode To The New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

New Year's Day Prayer for One and AllDear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen

New Year's Day: "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain

Don't Let the World Pass You By...

2011-12-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

Note that the picture of the week changed a bit early. We all need to slow down this holiday season. Pause the frenzy and smell the flowers. It is outrageous what there is around you that is ignored, usually unintentionally.

Uhhhhh, let's see... If I had a Verizon cell phone account and I wanted to make an online payment, I would give them an additional $2 in spite of their poor service and many network outages- NOT! This sound like the absolute worst time to levy an additional charge. Congratulations Verizon!

So by afternoon, Verizon pulled the fee. Apparently they have never read about the BofA debit card fee....Customers don't mind paying when the fee makes sense.

Resolution

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more.

Drink. Drink some more.

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

I just bought an occasional table.

I have no idea what it does the rest of the time.

The "Nots"...

2011-12-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

This week we went to see the latest Mission Impossible movie. This was well done. Tom Cruise doesn't let you catch your breath. The pelting continues throughout. The photography and special effects are very well done and provide seamless flow through the script. All factors considered, I would give it a B+ rating.

Truthfully, we were headed to see the latest Sherlock Holmes, as Robert Downey Jr. is one of my favorites. Unfortunately, the scheduling of the shows made this one inconvenient, so we went with MI. I am not sorry, though, as I'm sure we will see this eventually.

Watching the coverage of Iowa, one can only wonder what difference it will make on who wins. You have Milquetoast Mitt and Not. The "Nots" don't have a chance as they are extremists or are struggling to cover-up rattling skeletons in their closets. The best chance that Mitt has,is that he is not-Obama.

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Holiday Woes...

2011-12-28T11:09:00.000-08:00

As hard as we tried, there is no escaping the erosion of the Christmas holiday. The kids have grown, and even though they return for the holidays, the "truth" about Santa has escaped and turned loose the materialistic and high-anxiety of the society-defined holiday that we have today. They have invented names for the high-shopping days. We are deemed destined to participate or miss-out on all the bargains. One must remember that we wouldn't be showing record profits unless even the best bargain still showed profits.

I rest my case on the desire to return to simpler times...

A by-product of these times has shaped my shopping so as not to include books for my family members. Borders is no more. Barnes and Noble is no longer here. The one remaining bookstore, Chaucers, is packed with people and the aisles are clogged with stacks of yet unshelved books.

Hollywood Video, Video Schmideo, Captain Video and Blockbuster's are all gone. Streaming is the norm.

Perusing book or DVD covers to be able to choose, is a luxury no longer available to us. Selections are decisions that must be made in an immediate fashion.

I remember going to a newsstand and looking and dozens of magazines. Sometimes I would find one to buy, but most of the time I left empty handed. At least, I had a choice. Now I am stuck with a subscription of what may be a good magazine, whether electronic or physical.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened
next?'"

Human Race Doomed?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom

Nag, Nag, Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????

2012 in About a Week...

2011-12-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

Since I have been off work for a while and had plenty to do, but also time to reflect over the year's personal events; it has been some year. There were many things I wanted to do that I didn't get to. There were also things that I didn't want to do that I had to. I watched a number of people get RIF'd (laid off). Some were friends and some were not. A few of them had more time racked up that I do, but they went anyway. I kept remembering what a wise man once said to be flexible, resourceful and not to wait for work, but to seek it and not make it a secret. I tried my best to keep busy doing whatever was needed. I wanted to travel more, but didn't. I resisted the temptation to buy the latest technologies, which allowed me to watch them get replaced a month or even a week later. We all kept up our health and lost unneeded weight, but I was supposed to get a physical examination and I let a whole year skip by without scheduling one. I managed to find many excuses, some were good, but most were just excuses. I volunteered a bit more than usual, but not enough. I have to give back more and appreciated how lucky my family is. I wanted to be more patient and more tolerant and I believe that I achieved that. Unfortunately, I am still opinionated- maybe too opinionated. This year brought so many topics to be opinionated about- especially politics and privacy. Those are two of my hot buttons. I have resolved to drink less alcohol, but that was easy as I have weaned myself to the point where I really don't desire it. I gave up soda and replaced it with iced tea. This was a good thing; not because of the sugar (I always drank the diet), but I didn't need the citric acid or all the other undesirable contents. I broke the habit of ice cream every night while I watched TV. In fact, I may not have ice cream once a week now. I miss it, but I don't miss the extra pounds and cholesterol. It got replaced with nonfat yogurt and oat bran. That doesn't sound very good, but it is better than the alternatives. I stopped having cereal and milk in the morning. In fact, I may have some cereal, dry, as a snack, but don't really drink the milk anymore. There was probably a lot of sugars that I didn't need there as well. I wanted to go fishing but another year went by when I didn't make time. Under the category of "Believe it or not": my mother made the best fruitcake [if anyone cares]. I was brought up having it each Christmas season. I have seen many for sale, but nothing that looks good enough to buy. I guess I wanted to make a "good" fruitcake for my family to dispel the myth that they are all bad and why would anyone eat one....so far I haven't.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Seasons Greetings

Being from Canada (the land of political correctness). Where we no longer have Christmas trees, but instead we have holiday trees. (honestly no bullsh**)
So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/ him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).

OH PISS ON IT!!!!!!! I want to wish everybody the best that the season has to offer. I hope that you enjoy the Love of Friends and Family. I hope that the special present you wanted is under your Beautiful Christmas Tree, when you wake up in the morning. I hope that you enjoy the day in whichever manner your faith wants you to enjoy it. I also hope that you have a prosperous 2012.
Merry Christmas and Best of Wishes.

A Good Show

2011-12-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

We rented "The Help" last evening and I applaud it. It was well cast, well presented and overall well done. Having only spent a week of my life in Mississippi in the 80s, I know that not a tremendous amount has changed since the 60s. This movie shows the breath of the the biases, the ugliness of racial prejudices and the ridiculousness of it all. Actually, it rubs your face in the absurdity- and does it very well. The critics gave it a 76% on Rotten Tomatoes, but the audience gave it 91%. I favor the audience rating. I liked the characterizations and that time period of Southern life, which has not been exploited enough to raise the awareness of inequity.

‘Twas A Florida Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, twos not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house…stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!”

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”

One Liners
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Christmas cards

It was nice to see my 96 year old Granny today.
She has received over 40 Christmas cards.....Although 22 were from her friend Ethel who has Alzheimer's...

True stupid stories
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

Predicting the Future ...

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosive." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likehood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Send a Meat-Cutter to Radio Shack- not me!

2011-12-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

I was sent to the market today for a cut-up chicken. There were none. I called over the "meat-cutter" and asked if he had any more in the back. He went to look, and while he was gone, the manager came by to see if I was being helped. Just then the meat-cutter showed up to say there were no more. The manager apologized. I asked if the meat-cutter could cut me up one of the whole chickens. He said "No", and exclaimed that he was only certified for beef or pork. He would get into trouble if he cut a chicken!

I tell you, in this age of specialization, if I were the meat-cutter and the manager, I would be more worried if they lost customers to a market that could cut chicken- and then nobody would have a job. I guess nobody at that store can "cut-the-mustard" either!

I was also sent to get a new pair of ear-buds (for a gift) on the same trip as the market. I remembered that there is a Radio Shack next to the market. What a deal! I remember wandering about in a Radio Shack playing with all the RC toys and checking out all their gadgets. I was also a member of their battery club. Once you joined, you could bring back any Radio Shack batteries for new ones for FREE. Guess what- nothing is free anymore. You cannot even just look around in the store.
I was met at the door by a "sales associate" that would guide me throughout the journey about the store and into "purchase-land". I wanted ear-buds, so he quickly too me to the mid-priced models at $39.95! Ear-buds are usually crap that come apart, get lost or get tangled beyond help. Paying more than $10 for units that will need a replacement in a gnat's lifetime is ludicrous. I asked for the cheaper ones and was shown units that were $5 less. Each time I asked, I was moved down a step or two until I reached the "disposable" level of $9.99.
Consequently, I probably have been wiser than I thought to avoid the Radio Shack store. It no longer has free batteries, or hundreds of gadgets on the walls. The RC toys are all in boxes, so they can't be played with. The store makes me feel uncomfortable and even itchy! That was prolly the last time I go into Radio Shack- at least half the store is dedicated to smart phones and accessories, anyhow.

When did they stop? I just saw a very nice looking Ferrari parked in the mall lot. I walked all around it, admiring what I could without touching. There are no model numbers or names on the outside- anywhere. I knew it was a Ferrari because of the horse emblem. It wasn't until I got home and looked it up on the internet that I found out it is a "California". You'd think that for as much as it costs, there would be a name or model on it- somewhere. It must have been removed by the owner, as the one on the screen clearly has an name on it (unless that is an added cost option).

Talking

In celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)

Holiday Anxiety!

2011-12-21T16:41:00.000-08:00

We rented "Midnight in Paris" last evening. It is an unusual movie. It takes a lot of patience to deal with the self-centered buttheads that mistreat the main character. I wanted to slap them around. The scenery of Paris and the chicanery performed to make it look like the 1920s was very well done. Unfortunately for me, the movie lays out some sort of a goal for a plot but it REALLY never gets there. I was left wanting for more that wasn't provided. I would give it a C grade. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 93%, but I believe that it should be closer to 75%. This probably means that I no longer have patience for Woody Allen movies- certainly not as much as I've had in the past.

Buy, buy, buy. This season sure generates a lot of anxiety. It is truly too bad that Christmas has become such materialistic holiday. I guess it is true that people don't grow out of toys, they just get more expensive.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Closing down Denny's
Denny's restaurants are open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!

Christmas is About Giving (and Volunteering)

2011-12-20T13:43:00.000-08:00

The weekend went by in a blur- a fast blur, and here it is Tuesday already.... Friday night was SHOPPING. Saturday was traipse down to Eagle Rock and move my daughter out of her dorm and SHOP on the way down. Then on the way back were more stops to SHOP. Between the traffic, the rude and hurried drivers, and the anxiety of purchasing what you want for the best price is very taxing. Worse than that is when you have absolutely NO IDEA what to buy.
I attacked this head-on by making something this year. Since I have been home since early in December burning vacation that cannot be carried over. I have to admit, it was gratifying.
Also, my wife and I make Holiday Bags (filled with grooming necessities) for all the men and women that are at Transition House during the holidays. Hopefully, the contents of the bags will help to spruce up some homeless.
This year, we also volunteered to man pledge phones for Unity Shoppe Charities Telethon. We were there for over two hours, but not at the "prime time". I only received one credit card pledge, but it was for $5000. It made me feel good to take their money and put it into use feeding the less fortunate.

Grandma changed
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!.... But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Nothing Says Christmas Like A Picture With Santa and His Machineguns!

2011-12-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

I have had it up to here (my chin) with all the crap about not calling Christmas what it is. Holiday this or End-of-year celebration or anything that doesn't make only one group happy. If we weren't going to make at least one group happy, then the Scottsdale Gun Club wouldn't be advertizing that you can get your Holiday picture with Santa and his machine guns. Shouldn't that be "Christmas" picture? Obviously, it wouldn't be referring to Kwanzaa or Chanukah which don't have anything to do with Santa, so who are we trying to kid anyway? We go through so much trouble and expense to be Politically Correct- but is it REALLY correct for us? Do the non Christians REALLY get offended by Christmas and all that goes with it? Or is it a problem that we invented and really doesn't exist? I see Menorahs and Stars of David, but they don't offend me. That is called TOLERANCE. Say it out loud to yourselves. It means we should TOLERATE other beliefs- not change ours to suit. This country is too reactive and too litigious. I'm not sure I agree with the picture above, but I don't HAVE TO AGREE. Let them do what they want, as long as it doesn't affect me or mine.

The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said,

"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong
with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a
plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I
can tell my wife!"

'Twas the day after Christmas

and all through the house
Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch.

Wrappings and toys littered the floor,
An incredible mess that I did abhor.

With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans,
We waded in to get the place clean.

When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter,
I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter.

The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot,
Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot.

But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant:
An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants.

The door flew open and in they came,
Stern-looking men with bills in my name.

On Discover, on Visa, on American Express,
On Mastercard too, I sadly confess,
Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth,
Over the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth.

The black-suited men, so somber, so strict,
I wondered why me that they had first picked.

They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss,
That said "Buddy, when are you for paying for this?"

I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder,
Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder.

"As you can see," I said with a smile,
"It's bankruptcy that I'll have to file!"
And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended
I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended.

The scent of burnt ash came to my nose,
As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose.

Without another word they turned and walked out,
Got into their limos, but one gave a shout:
"You may think that's the answer to all of your fears,
But it's nothing you'll charge for at least seven years!

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot